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The Double Standards That Kill Confidence

AS A WOMAN, you face many challenges. Most of them can be a big confidence killer, such as the double standards you face on a daily basis. You might not even be aware that this is keeping you stuck at the position you're in right now, or holding you back from becoming the woman you are meant to be.

So what do we really mean by "double standard"? Here's a definition from Bored Panda:1

The double standard definition states that it is a rule or a principle applied to different people or groups. The most prominent case of double standard examples to this day come from gender equality. What's usually okay for men, is not acceptable when done by women.

These double standards can make it challenging to be a woman because no matter what you do, it's a lose-lose situation. An excellent summation of this idea is American Ferrera's monologue in the Barbie movie:2

It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.

But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.

Have you ever felt this way as a woman? You are not alone. So many women deal with this but no one ever talks about it. It's important to understand this because we face so many confidence issues with all these double standards.

The Labels Women Face

Words are powerful. They can either make or break a person. How many times have labels hurt your confidence to move forward? When a woman forges her own path, it tends to be seen in a negative light instead of a positive one.

You may have heard these ideas before:

• Men are assertive, but women are aggressive.
• Women are too pushy, while men are ambitious.
• Men are passionate, but women are shrill or hysterical.
• Women are stubborn, while men are determined.
• Men are persistent, but women are nagging.
• Women are bossy, while men are simply "the boss."

When a woman takes action on her path to greatness, it tends to be seen as pushy, aggressive, or too much, but a man who takes the same action is celebrated for it and is seen as confident. Labels can prevent a woman from moving forward. It's important to get rid of the negative labels so that women can be seen as confident and courageous instead of aggressive and bossy.

When a woman speaks up against injustice, she is considered whiny and complaining. When a man speaks up, he is taken seriously. I have often seen women labeled complainers for speaking out, myself included. In an Instagram reel where I talked about the issues Asian women face, a list of hate comments told me that I was complaining about my issues and that I needed to shut my mouth. To be honest, I started getting PTSD when I got comment notifications on Instagram. I had to learn to work through this and know that this is part of the journey when you speak up as a woman.

Yes, it will take some time and effort for these negative labels to be dismantled but it's important to start somewhere. Nothing changes if nothing changes. This is why I constantly show up to events and on social media. Sometimes it just takes one person to lead the way so that others can see what is possible for themselves. Yes, it is scary. I still get scared but I also realized that if I want things to change for the better, then I have to be the change. I will continue to show up so that one day these negatives labels for women will be gone for good.

Negative Stereotypes

As a woman, you will face negative stereotypes that can hurt your confidence. Culture plays a huge role in forming stereotypes, and women from every culture face some form of negative stereotype. I realized that when I was looking for candidates to be a co-author for our Women Who BossUp book series. I have spoken to many women from all walks of life and realized that although I may come from a different culture, I still face similar situations for the sole reason that I am a woman.

While women from different cultures are each subjected to their own set of negative stereotypes, the outcome is similar. It is hurtful and it causes more harm for women, ranging from sexual violence to death. These negative stereotypes can also hurt a woman's confidence to move forward on her path. It is important to dismantle all of these stereotypes so that we can create better representation for women from all walks of life.

Following are some examples of the negative stereotypes that women from different cultures still face today.

Asian Women

Asian women have been consistently seen as quiet, submissive, and obedient. Because of this negative stereotype, they are rarely found in leadership roles. Also, Asian women are usually seen as sex objects, which leads to women being trafficked as sex slaves, and little girls being forced to marry men as old as their grandfather or sold as mail order brides. These stereotypes are definitely hurtful, and it is important to dismantle them so Asian women can be seen as leaders in their own right.

Latina Women

Latina women are often considered feisty and spicy. Because of this negative stereotype, Latina women are often seen as sex objects and not taken seriously in leadership roles. The "spicy Latina" stereotype can also lead to sexual violence and harassment. It is important to stop using this term because it does so much harm to Latina women.

Black Women

Black women have stereotypically been seen as the "angry Black woman," especially in the workplace. This means that Black women are often perceived as short-tempered, bitter, overbearing, aggressive, loud, and more, which hurts them from being promoted in the workplace.

Indigenous Women

Indigenous women are often seen as sexual objects and as promiscuous. This negative stereotype can lead to sexual violence against Indigenous women and even to murder. An article in the Guardian detailed the violence that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women have experienced:3

• They are more than three times more likely to experience violence than non-Indigenous women.
• They are 11 times more likely to die from an assault.
• They are 32 times more likely to be hospitalized from injuries received during an assault.

Middle Eastern Women

Middle Eastern women are often oppressed, viewed as weak and needing financial support from men. Many Middle Eastern countries have strict rules for women; in Iran, for example, there was a time when women were not allowed to drive cars. It is important to dismantle these negative stereotypes so that Middle Eastern women can be seen as strong and independent and capable of being leaders in their own right.

Ageism

If you're a woman in your 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond, you have been told that you have hit a certain expiration date to do many things in life. Women certainly have been let go from jobs due to age.

In Canada, an anchor by the name of Lisa LaFlamme was considered one of the most popular female news anchors in the country. When she decided to let her gray hair grow out, Bell Media fired her, and then had to do a lot of damage control due to the backlash.4 There were older male news anchors with gray hair in the same studio who have been there for years and had not been fired for that reason.

Ageism is definitely something women face. But the idea that women "expire" after a certain age is a myth and must be called out as one. So many women have been able to start or change careers in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.

I am in my 40s and everything I truly achieved was in this age bracket: I wrote my first book with a...