Ultramarine

A thousand paper cranes

The Lazy Susan is turning. Anneka watches. Guests' fingertips spin it clockwise then anticlockwise, slowly, politely, waiting for each serving spoon to be placed back. The chicken satay Madura on thin bamboo skewers shines with caramelised palm sugar. The white rice waits like perfectly wrapped parcels. The aromas of garlic, galangal and chilli from the beef rendang hover. Candles on the round teak table flicker under the cool of the air conditioning.

It's yet another dinner party in Jakarta, Anneka thinks. There's been no let up. Tonight, she's been caught by the invisible tripwire of grief. She's on the outside looking in. That's what grief does, it turns you inside out. It pushes and pulls you. Anneka scans the guests. She counts. Eight is the perfect number. Snippets of lively conversation reach her. The dinner party is going well. Across the table is Alexander. Their age difference has crept up on them. Life has crept up on them. Who is he? She's been wondering that for a while now. Who are they? Once a couple, now strangers. It has nothing to do with her mother's death. Grief's making things clearer. Not cloudier. She's sure of that. 

Everyone laughs at something Alexander says. Something about the rain that will come soon. Typical. It's always Alexander in the spotlight. Always right, always master and commander. But not of her. She still feels marooned after her mother's unexpected death three months ago. It's not about moving on. She keeps telling him that. And he keeps giving her books, sending her links to articles on grief. Podcasts! 

The Lazy Susan has stopped. Alexander moves it with short staccato movements to get her attention. It's a hint. No, an instruction. Eat! Anneka refuses to meet his gaze. She's not hungry. All she wants is to curl up on the sofa with something comforting like soto ayam, chicken soup. She told him she's finding it hard to talk to new people at the moment. Don't sit me by anyone I don't know, she had said when he'd come home and told her about the dinner party. So many things she doesn't want to get into like how are you enjoying Jakarta, Anneka? A bit different from your last posting in Brussels! Alexander thinks it will be good for her to meet new people. If only he knew what was good for me. 

She turns and looks at her neighbour. He's someone Alexander has met through Lili. What's his name? Pedro? Pietro? No. It's a much older sounding name. Piotr. That's it. Alexander introduced him when he arrived. Across the table, Anneka sees Rania, her Egyptian friend, no longer fresh from the Arab Spring. Rania's stabbing the air with her fork, just above her plate filled with food. She's talking about the importance of educating women. A few of Rania's words drift across the table. Then the birth rate would drop. Look at Italy, for goodness' sake!

There's a thud. Otto has smacked his hand down to make a point to Lili. The silver cutlery jangles, forks jostling with knives. Anneka watches the beer as it moves up the side of Otto's glass. It happens in slow motion like a wave hitting a sea wall, like travelling liquid gold. She watches as it reaches the lip of the glass and then falls back. Otto's hand steadies it with an apologetic glance at the others. He can't keep off the topic of zoonotic diseases. It's his hobby horse. It's the discussion these days since the global pandemic. 

Alexander says something about hoping that Otto has stamina. It'll be a long race. The fine balance between economic growth and the protection of the natural world. Ah, the pragmatic Alexander. Anneka glances at her husband. He's chatting to Lili. At home, in the security of his own house, away from the demands of diplomatic work, he can say exactly, almost exactly, what he likes. Lucky him, Anneka thinks. If she says what she's really thinking, she might bring the dinner party shebang to an embarrassing end. She checks herself. Shifts her position in her chair, trying to shake off these thoughts. Beside her, Andres is half out of his seat. He reminds her of Hugo, her younger brother, when he was a small boy and had a bug in a matchbox. Look at me! Look at me! Andres has the attention of the whole table. 

'Did anyone know that there have been four earthquakes this month? Four, here in Jakarta! Did anyone notice?' he says.

Everyone shrugs. No one's noticed or even felt the tremors. Like most people living with the constant threat of natural disaster, they're a mixture of fatalism, optimism and naivety. In other words, they carry on as normal.

'When my time's up, it's up!' Lili says.

Everyone agrees with Lili, but Anneka doesn't. She notices the tremors. They usually come in the middle of the night from somewhere deep down in the Earth's crust. Somehow, they reach her. She's never mentioned this to Alexander. He's always been too busy, caught up in the latest diplomatic crisis. But the tremors find her, lying in her bed when she can't sleep. And sleep has eluded her these past months. There are times when she doesn't feel sane. In the dark, it's worse. 

'And what if Gunung Tambora does its thing again? The biggest volcanic eruption in history. We're sitting on the Ring of Fire. Here in this dining room. It's a time bomb ticking away,' Andres says, enacting the explosion with arms flaying in the air.

 At the mention of volcanoes, Anneka pictures the view outside the aeroplane window when she flies over Java. It's a dreamy fairy-tale illustration with perfect conical volcanic tops that poke through white cotton-wool clouds, vents that release twirling and trailing plumes of smoke. Is the smoke a signal, a message about our world, in a mysterious unspoken language? 

Anneka notices Mitsuko and Piotr are having their own conversation. She sits back and listens in. She picks up the threads. Mitsuko is talking about fundamentalist Islam and whether it's a brake on progress, whatever that means. Mitsuko puts air quotes around those last few words. Piotr is folding a piece of paper in front of him. Anneka watches his hands and fingers as they neatly make creases. She wonders what he's making. It's been a long time since she's done origami. It was a childhood favourite. He folds the paper, each corner meeting at the centre of the square. 

'But what about in Japan? Why does your country only allow male heirs to accede to the Chrysanthemum throne?' Piotr says. 'Isn't that a brake on progress?' 

Piotr puts the last three words in air quotes. He's grinning. Anneka smiles. She likes his playful way. He obviously isn't a fan of air quotes and knows that an argument is rarely binary. Piotr turns the paper over and repeats the folds, taking the corners again back to the centre. 

Ah, says Anneka to herself. She knows what he's making. Her mother taught it to her. She remembers its Dutch name, zoutvaatje. Salt cellar is the translation in English. Piotr finishes and takes out a pen. He covers what he's writing with his left arm, blocking Anneka's view. She can only see the top of his pen moving. Mitsuko tells him the latest on the Japanese royal family and how there's no sign of modernisation. 

Piotr clicks his pen closed, picks up the origami game and slips his thumbs and index fingers into the corner pockets. He says something to Mitsuko and slowly turns his body to face Anneka. 'Would you like your fortune told?'

Ah, the fortune telling game, Anneka says to herself. That's its other name in English. 

Piotr asks the question again. She shakes her head. 

'I'm sure Mitsuko wants to play,' she says.

'But I want to tell your fortune, Annie,' Piotr says. 

Annie? He's changed her name already! Her mother always called her Annie. There's a split second when Anneka feels tempted but she shakes her head again. Piotr glances at her. He puts the fortune telling game on the table. He places his finger to his lips. There's a dance of lights in his pale blue eyes, more than the normal catchlights. A conspiracy is building between them that only they are part of. She can feel it. He takes another piece of paper. He starts to make folds. 

Piotr has drawn her into the evening. It's as if he's dropped down a thick sturdy rope and is pulling her out of a dark hole. He nudges her with his elbow. Accidentally but gently. It's the slightest of touches. She's raw. She can feel his skin through the layers of her skin, right down to the bone. She slides the fortune telling game into her pocket. Piotr's arm is alongside hers on the table. There's a wafer-thin gap between them. She feels warmth radiating from his arm, through his shirt. Everything she hears and feels has been amplified. It's what life is like these days. 

Anneka looks at what he's now making. It's full of folds and creases, nothing like the fortune telling game. 

'Almost there,' Piotr says. 

But he doesn't look up as he continues to make more and more tiny folds, running his fingers along the minute creases. Anneka watches. 

Finally, Piotr stops and holds his creation up. 'There!'

Anneka stares at the paper object in the palm of his hand. 

'It's a Japanese crane, a red crane that lives on the island of Hokkaido. They're very rare,' he says. 'They mate for life and dance...