The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour

A FIRE SCREEN

A Southern politician, in rehearsing some of the stories with which he made many Democratic votes during a campaign, related the following as having probably been the most effective:

A darkey had a dream and thought he went to the bad place. The next day he told his friends what he had dreamed, and they asked him a great many questions.

"Did you see ole Satan down dar?" one of them asked.

"Oh, yes; I seed ole Satan dar, an' Belzybub, an' Pollyun an' de hull lot. Dey was jist standin' roun' an' tendin' to de bisniss, pokin' de fires an' makin' it hot fer de folks."

"Was dey-was dey any niggahs down dar?"

"Oh, yes, dey was lots an' lots o' niggahs, heaps on 'em."

"An' white folks?"

"Oh, yes, lots o' white folks, too; scores an' scores on 'em."

"Democrats?"

"Oh, yes, plenty Democrats."

"An' 'Publicans?"

"Oh, yes. De 'Publicans dey was in one pen by deyselves, an' de Democrats dey was all in a pen, too."

"Was de white an' de black 'Publicans in de same pen?"

"Yes, dey was all togedder in de same pen."

"What was dey all a-doin'?"

"Well, I 'clar to goodness, w'en I looked in dat ar pen an' seed 'em, it peered like ebbery blame white 'Publikin had a niggah in his arms a-holdin' him up 'twixt him an' de fire to cotch de heft o' de heat."

"I estimate that this story," said the politician, "was good for at least twelve hundred colored votes on our side in this campaign."

BRANDIED PEACHES

The guests were all gathered in the parlor laughing and talking, when the host was suddenly summoned by his wife for a brief consultation in the dining-room before dinner was served.

"Tom," said she, in evident alarm, "what shall I do? I have nothing for dessert but brandied peaches, and there's Dr. Brown, the Methodist minister, in the company. I never thought about him-you know he's such a strict temperance person."

Tom said he was sorry, but it was evidently too late to change the schedule, and that they would just have to trust to luck.

They did-and luck did not fail them. For when it came to the dessert, the Rev. Mr. Brown evidently enjoyed the peaches very much, very much. Dear innocent soul! he thought he had never tasted anything half so good. And when the hostess sweetly asked him, "Could she not have the pleasure of serving him with another peach?" he hesitatingly replied, "No-thank you-thank you-but I believe I will take a little more of the juice!"

"MOUNTED?"

Another darkey relates a dream he had during an exciting political campaign down in Kentucky, only in this case his dream took an opposite direction. "I dreamed," said he, "dat I died an' went up to de big gate o' hebbin an' wanted to git in, an' Sent Petah he says to me, says he, 'Is you mounted?' an' I says, 'No.' An' he says, 'Den you can't come in.' So I kum away, an' on de way down I met Kunnel White, de man wat's runnin' fo' Congress, an' I told him 'twant no use: he couldn't git in if he wasn't mounted. 'Better go back,' says I, 'an' mount de bay mare.' But he says, 'No, I tell you, Sam, what we'll do. You'll be my hoss. I'll git on your back, an' we'll ride up to de gate an' when Petah says, "Is you mounted?" I'll say, "Yaas," an' I'll ride you right in.'

"So I got down on my han's an' feet an' he got up on my back, an' we trotted up to de big gate, and de kunnel he knocked on de doo', an' Sent Petah he open de gate a crack an' says, 'Who's dar?' an' de kunnel says, 'Kunnel White o' Kentucky, sah.' An' Petah says, 'Is you mounted?' an' de kunnel says, 'Yaas, I is, sah.' An' Sent Petah he says, 'Mighty glad to see you, kunnel. Jist tie your hoss on de outside de gate an' come right in!'"

"DOLLARS TO DOUGHNUTS"

They say that the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is this: The optimist looks on the doughnut, the pessimist looks on the hole. Well, there once was a man up in a certain town in Eastern Pennsylvania who did a very good business at the baker-trade. Everybody knew and patronized the good German baker, Hans Kitzeldorfer. Hans was industrious, frugal and thrifty, and was making money, until one unfortunate day he turned pessimist and began to look on the hole in the doughnut. The longer he looked at that hole the more he became persuaded that he could make money much more rapidly by making the holes in his celebrated brand of doughnuts larger than they had been. This happy suggestion he at once proceeded to act on, and for two years he was immensely tickled over his discovery. But by and by it seemed to him that his receipts were not as large as formerly, especially in the Doughnut Department, and he ordered an investigation, the result of which Was that he discovered that by making the holes larger he had unwittingly used more dough to go around the holes than when the holes were less in diameter, whereupon he at once restored his earlier and more profitable system-and Prosperity returned.

TWO POLITE AND SPUNKY BOYS

A German, meeting a friend on the street, asked him to come up to his house some day, he wanted to show him his two boys. "I haf," said he, "two of de finest poys vot ever vas; two very fine, polite undt spunky poys."

His friend went up to the house one day, and the two friends were sitting on the porch talking and smoking their pipes, while the two boys were playing in front of the house in the street.

"Now I vill show you," said the proud father, "vat two very fine poys I haf." And with that he called, "Poys!"

One of the little fellows looked up and promptly answered, "Sir?"

"See," said the father, "how polite. Two very polite undt spunky poys."

By and by he called out again, "Poys!" and the other little chap looked up from his play and responded, "Sir?"

Again the father proudly commended them to his companion, saying, "How polite, how polite."

A third time he ventured to put them to the test, as he said, "Just to show you vat two polite undt spunky poys I haf," and called out, "poys!"

One of the little fellows straightened himself up at this, and shaking his fist at the old man, called out:

"Look here, old man, if you don't stop your blame hollerin' at us, I'll come in there an' bust your head with a brick."

"See!" exclaimed the delighted father, "spunky, spunky! Two very polite undt spunky poys."

Passing by a mill-pond in winter time, and observing a parcel of boys skating right under and around a DANGER sign which had been erected there, a gentleman looked up the miller and expostulated with him for allowing it.

The miller smiled and said, "You just rest easy, my friend. It's all right. I put that danger sign there on purpose to attract the boys to that part of the pond. You see the water is only a foot deep there, but away on the other side it's twenty feet deep. If I'd a put the danger sign over there, then they'd all gone over there. So I put it over here. Catch on?"

A CRANKY COUPLE

On the way to the minister's house to be married a couple had a fall-out, and when the woman was asked: "Would she take this man for her wedded husband?" she said, "No!" And the man said, "Why-what's the matter with you?" and she said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to you."

They went away without being married, but they made it all up in a few days' time and went to the minister's house again. But, when the man was asked, "Would he have this woman for his wedded wife?" he, to get even, answered, "No!" and then she said, "What's the matter with you, now?" and he said, "Oh, nothin', only I've tuk a sudden dislike to you."

They went away again, again made it up, and again came to the minister's house, rang the bell, and when the minister appeared, the man said, "Well, parson, here we are again. We'll make it good this time, sure; third time proves, you know." And the minister said "No-he guessed he didn't care to marry them." And then they both said, "Why, what's the matter with you, now?" and he said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to both of you!"

SO MANY BALD HEADS

Thirty-six years after the date of the battle of Gettysburg, the veteran survivors of a Pennsylvania regiment were holding their first reunion in that celebrated town. In the forenoon they dedicated their monument on the field of "The First Day's Fight," and in the afternoon they were to hold a business meeting in the Post Room of the local G. A. R. On that day accommodations were quite inadequate in Gettysburg, and the Post Room was...