Chapter Two
Why Everybody Loves Lawyers-Sort Of
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box."
~ Jerry Seinfeld
Now that we have concluded that the legal profession is relatively a young one, let's explore what the public thinks about lawyers. Unfortunately, lay people often view us negatively as sharks, shysters, and ambulance chasers.
We face a barrage of unflattering lawyer jokes. As noted, only one lawyer joke per book. We shall not be repeating this barrage.
A poll conducted a couple of years ago by the Ontario Bar Association found that only 44% of the public trusted lawyers. We lawyers scored less trust than plumbers. And we just beat out auto mechanics and taxi drivers. Phew!
I get the feeling it would not be a great idea for a lawyer's website to read, "See us about your divorce. While you wait, let us do your oil change. We also give you the best deals to the airport."
So, the question becomes, why is our profession generally viewed unsympathetically?
My thoughts.
Dollars
We are talking hundreds per hour. I have heard more than once colleagues saying something like, "if I ever get divorced, I couldn't afford myself." (Never mind the part about if they would hire themselves, they'd have a fool for a client.) Then again lawyers are not the highest paid individuals. Corporate executives, many physicians, and certainly athletes earn more. I note soccer star Lionel Messi earns over $100 million per year, almost half of which is from endorsements. Other athletes also earn in the millions. Yet I don't hear anybody saying, "This guy gets two million dollars just for saying something like, 'I wear Adidas sneakers. They're cool. Yo.'"
The Toronto Maple Leafs players earn many times over per player than the average lawyer. They have not won a Stanley cup in almost half a century and have not advanced past the second round in the playoffs in years.
Do we ever hear a survey that concludes that the public does not trust hockey players? How many people do you know who would rather watch plumbers at work?
We already do some pro bono or free work here and there (though not always voluntarily), more than most professional athletes who get paid much more than most lawyers, even when they lose.
Honesty and Transparency
Most lawyers are above board, straight as an arrow, telling it as it is. But what does the public see, or not see? We live in the Uber age. If you want to go from A to B, Uber will instantly confirm up front the exact cost, such as $13.43. And the customer can verify this service, seeing he is not going from A to C.
We can understand why a client will get rattled when he sees his lawyer's bill for thousands-and he has not even gone to court yet. Actually, lawyers do spend time out of court communicating with people; drafting document briefs; and preparing for meetings, examinations, and court. A fisherman has to spend time working on his boat and nets before he goes out to sea. It's not like the fish just swim out to shore and shout, "Where do you want us to stand."
Then again, I suppose the customer will say something like, "All I care about is the size and quality of that tuna. I'm not buying the net."
I shall have more to say about legal fees when I discuss billing. Save the worst for later. I won't talk about those lawyers who strayed and are now in jail (or as Chaucer would say, "in gaol, and goode for them").
Ambulance Chasers
There is no shortage of lawyers. But the public must find disturbing those ubiquitous ads. I shall not quote any names but suffice it to say they do not come across anything like, "We try harder." (Actually, after fifty years Avis changed its tagline to "It's your space.")
Many ads cross the line. There is actually a local firm that posts its ads on the walls over urinals. This adds a new dimension to the phrase, "over the top."
I just returned from a trip in Florida. What caught my eye most is not the great weather, nor the kilometres of super beaches, nor the cultural scenes. What really hit me was lawyer advertising. You cannot turn on your television or walk around the block without getting slapped by yet another personal-injury lawyer ad. In fact, you don't even have to turn on your television to get smitten by these ads. When I checked into my hotel room, I opened my night-table drawer and I noticed a yellow-pages directory. On the front cover there was an ad that listed a law firm's name and info, including "Injured in an accident? Call us first. You can check out the Gideon Bible later."
They even have easy-to-remember phone numbers. You will see some that read like, 1-800-111-1111. In our jurisdiction that number will more likely get you a pizza. I even saw one that read something like, "Injured? Just call 1-800-not-pain." I am sure some in-your-face high-profile outfit that is rougher than the roughest will soon come up with the ultimate contact: "Injured? Call any phone number. You will reach us."
I even saw a bus, or rather a number of municipal buses, in Fort Lauderdale bearing a full side of the bus ad for a personal-injury firm. These lawyers take hunting for accident files to a new dimension. They use buses to chase ambulances! And many of them boast about having offices throughout Florida. Just call us. I expect them to expand their ad soon to say, "If there is no office near where you live, we'll open one for you."
And then they have the sub-specialists. While driving on the highway I-95 I saw a billboard that read, "Motorcycle accident? Call the lawyer who rides a Harley." Another ad reads, "Chosen by Super Lawyers Magazine." I have heard of great lawyers but what in the world is a super lawyer? He changes into his suit in a phone booth?
The phone-book ads appear not under "lawyers" but rather under "attorneys." After gazing through these ads for a few minutes, I needed a break and so I flipped back a few pages and just before attorneys I came across "asphalt." I saw an ad for a "Dr Asphalt." This was rather refreshing. At least he did not boast, "as seen on TV," "want a second opinion," or "chosen by Super Asphalt Magazine."
Talk Too Much
Lawyers are generally perceived as being long-winded. I wanted to connect to a Starbucks Wi-Fi recently. I had to run a gauntlet of conditions, spending fifteen minutes doing so. Meanwhile, my cappuccino cooled off. (I will confess I also had the inexplicable urge after reading the document to bill someone.)
Most lay people likely simply click "agree," griping about those overpaid lawyers making life complicated.
I opened the link and I believe I am probably the only person who ever read this stuff, other than maybe the lawyer who drafted it after graduating from Attila the Hun Law School. Draconian? You decide. They go something like this:
Privacy?
? Ha, ha, ha! We have the right to share all your user information with necessary third parties. Necessary third parties include Starbucks, Google, and Amazon. As well, your personal information may find itself on Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook page. If you see it there, you hereby agree to like it.
? We have the right to install cookies of our choice on your device. Today we are installing blueberry scones.
Improper Use of Wi-Fi
? You agree not to use your device for any improper purposes, including spam, copyright infringement, or defamatory postings. If you burn yourself on the hot coffee or tea, you agree to limit your reactions to saying "ouch."
? You may not transmit viruses, worms, or Trojan horses. You will be required to clean up any mess made by any such horses.
Offensive Language
? You will not use offensive terms, phrases, or language, including Canadian. These include but are not limited to the Canadian words "Timbits," "double-double," or "zed."
Damages
? You use this service at your own risk. We are not responsible for damages, injuries, or traumas, however caused, other than those governed by the 2013 Sumatran Java Convention. In such case, damages will be limited to one venti cappuccino (275 calories). For strawberry or vanilla extract please add fifty cents.
As the old adage says, "There is no such thing as a free latte." Is there anybody who does not agree? Click here.
And not only do lawyers talk too much, but the public also faults them for the way they communicate, using all these Latin words and phrases.
Why are lawyers more mistrusted? Maybe it is also the way we communicate. Unlike hockey players, we have our own language, legalese. Perhaps this annoys the lay people. We use terms like "examination for discovery," "pleadings," and those dreaded Latin words and phrases such as Factum, res ipse loquitor, and habeus corpus. The...
