Dungeons & Workouts

PROLOGUE

The gentle flicker of torches illuminates the stone path in front of you. You can hear a faint gurgling sound. Somewhere in the distance there must be a spring. Visibility worsens with each bend in the path. For a moment, you have second thoughts about your plan, but in the end this route is the only choice you have left. Less than three bends later there is a glimmer of light coming from inside the tunnel. You summon all your courage and continue on toward the gleaming light. Your eyes have to adjust to the bright light, and it takes a little while until you realize what is going on in front of you. Painted on a sign in large letters are the words "Chamber of Powers."

Under the sign stands a man no larger than a full-grown porcupine, sporting a long, flowing white beard. His clothes look strange, but in your situation any person is a welcome change. With each step, it becomes more apparent that the bright light emanates from a spring behind the man. Behind him many different colored lights form an arc. Visibly unimpressed by such things, you approach with an air of determination. When he sees you a shrill voice pierces your ear, "What business do you have here, Fool? There is nothing here for you!"

After you nicely but firmly explain the urgency of your objective and convincingly assure him that you have no ambitions of becoming a gold miner, his previously grim facial expression lightens up, and he cheerfully says, "Well, you should have told me. I didn't know that there are other honorable beings in this part of the country. Please excuse my behavior! Welcome to the Chamber of Powers. You have probably already heard a lot about the chamber, but for good measure, let me briefly explain what awaits you there. First of all, the name is misleading because there are actually three chambers awaiting you, but clearly the letter "S" was too expensive," he says with a chuckle.

"At any rate, let's talk about the individual chambers because they really pack a wallop. Getting past the first chamber is easy, at least if you're my size. But you might find it uncomfortable. For you the only option to get through this low space is probably by crawling. And that wouldn't really be a problem if it weren't for the raging burrowing worm causing mischief in that very place. That means it is essential that you quickly push yourself up when you notice the worm moving around below you. It is really quite simple: just keep crawling toward the light, and you will have quickly crossed the chamber. When I think about the second chamber it always raises the hair on the back of my neck. Here the penitent Pip awaits for you to honor him by using a prayer method. The bad thing about Pip is that he doesn't speak a word. I don't know, seems to be some vow of silence. Don't let his rattling joints fool you. He prays like a young god. As a welcome, he will show you what he thinks prayer should look like, and then it's all about speed, because for him to consider you worthy you must push yourself to the limit."

Apparently your face now shows fear and confusion because the bearded one adds: "Oh, did I mention that you only have a total of six minutes to make it through all the chambers? One minute for each chamber, and because the builder wasn't an ogre, in each of the two back chambers the task starts after 90 seconds of healthy recovery. I personally find screaming and ranting helpful, but everyone is different." The cautious reference to the third chamber prompts him to continue his seemingly well-rehearsed monologue.

"Oh, the third chamber is my personal favorite. Here you know what you're up against; no silence, no sudden popups. Here everything is clear as glass. I really don't want to preempt Scrotor too much, but he really wants to be met at eye level. Seems to be a childhood thing. He is an absolutely fair sportsman and certainly won't behave indecently toward you, but with him it's a constant up and down, so be careful! I would definitely avoid his blows because it's difficult to find that last door with your eyes swollen shut. Got it?" You feel slightly confused but also bravely determined, and your grin prompts the bearded one to issue a friendly, "Good luck, and I'll wait for you on the other side to hear how you did," before he turns around, seemingly climbs up the arc of light, which then fades away and leaves you standing alone in front of the chamber. You place your hands on the door and push it open. Your eyes can't make out much more than the light at the other end of the room, but to do so you must get down on your knees. As you start to move along you feel the ground tremble, but you're prepared.

Push-ups

Place your hands on the floor shoulder-width apart. Your feet are hip-width apart. Tilt your pelvis back and tighten your behind and your stomach. Keep your elbows close to your body as you lower down. Touch the floor with your chest and then straighten your arms again and push your shoulders forward.

Test

Do as many push-ups as you can for 60 seconds, then take a 90-second break.

With shaky hands, you open the door to the second chamber and enter a kind of sanctuary. You see a figure sitting on the floor in the center of the room. That must be the priest. He has no hair but a penetrating gaze, which he fixes on you. His baggy yellow pants and short orange shirt make for a seemingly cheerful image, but the all-pervasive silence makes you visibly nervous. As you walk toward him you notice a slight gleam at the priest's hip. Your suspicion is confirmed when he presents his prayer method. From a supine position, he shoots up to a seated posture and lowers his head in prayer. On the top of his head you can see a strange pattern of increasingly larger circles. An audible squeaking makes you prick your ears, and you realize that the gleam you noticed comes from a hinge at the hip of the priest, who is evidently made of wood. With a hand signal, he indicates that you should follow his example and sit down.

Sit-ups

Lie on your back with your feet together and let your knees fall open. Extend your arms overhead. Roll up until you are in a seated position and touch your fingers to your feet. Now roll back down and extend your arms overhead again.

Test

Do as many sit-ups as you can for 60 seconds, then take a 90-second break.

Slightly out of breath, you open the third door where you find a cordoned off triangle in the center of which stands a man with a giant upper body followed by an equally unexpected and disproportionally puny lower body. With a squeaky voice he says you, "Howdy, I'm Scrotor, avenger of the emasculated. This is quite simple. You stand there, and I punch you in the face. Don't mess around and just stand still because blows below the belt are not allowed." He looks down awkwardly at his pink onesie. "We will do this for the entire minute and then you are done here, and we can both go our separate ways. Are you ready?" He holds up the ropes so you can climb into the triangle.

Squats

Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and your toes slightly turned out. Lower your hips until your thighs are slightly lower than your knees while keeping your back in a neutral position. Then straighten your legs again. Keep your heels on the floor and don't let your knees drop inward.

Test

Do as many squats as you can for 60 seconds.

Visibly exhausted, you step through the door Scrotor showed you and enter a dim room. Next to the wall on your left stands a small cauldron filled with coins. As you approach you are blinded by a sudden light that seems to be flowing into the cauldron. Once your eyes have adjusted to the bright light, you once again see the little bearded man standing in front of the light. "Well done! I haven't seen many who made it through the chambers the way you did. But now you must tell me how well you did, because your future depends on it." He points to the other side of the room where three doors appear. From left to right, they are illuminated by green, yellow, and red lights, and the doors also seem to gradually get wider the farther right you look. Next images of bent arms that seem to suggest something more than different diets appear on the doors.

"Now we have come to the decisive moment. Your previous performance will point you toward your predetermined path. If you stray you must live with the consequences the chosen path has in store for you." Determined, you walk up to the door and hit the wood with all your might. Instead of opening, an avalanche of small brown balls pours on your head, small chestnut-brown balls.

When you open your eyes, you see a half dozen homemade chestnut men on your chest. Jeering and threatening with tiny twigs, they drill into your body, but combined with the straw from your sleeping-mat, you only feel a familiar prickling on your skin. However, your hand is really sore after having put...