Introduction: Create the Life You Want by Starting Up

"I'm sorry, but I just can't come back." I had mulled over what to say and how to say it for days. However, having the conversation with my boss was not any easier for having thought it through. I got off the call hoping I had done the right thing, as I felt a mixed range of emotions wash over me: guilt, relief, and a touch of anxiety. I took a deep breath and walked down the hallway of my apartment and stopped to lean over the crib of my 3-month-old, who was sleeping, entirely unaware of the decision I had just made.

I had agonized over childcare options for months. I wasn't entirely sure of what the right thing to do as a new parent was, but I knew I didn't want to get it wrong. All the data I could find on early childhood development pointed to the importance of an individual caregiving experience and the critical nature of the parent-child bond. I wasn't willing to risk my baby's development, so I quit my job - putting my own career at risk in the process.

I know this sounds dramatic. But the whole experience of becoming a new mother was dramatic for me as a 27-year-old with a fledgling career, living in a fourth-floor walkup, railroad apartment in New York City. I, like many other women, thought deeply about the role I was taking on, and obsessed about getting it all right, sometimes to my own detriment. And frankly, my body was a mess of stretched skin and fluctuating hormones, so even after three months I didn't feel physically ready to return to work, either. So, I made that call to my employer to let him know that I wouldn't be coming back, and stared into the eyes of this small human, determined to take my new role seriously. A year and a half later, my husband and I went on to have another child, and I continued my responsibilities as a stay-at-home parent for years. But after some time, as my kids got a bit older, I wavered in my decision to give up my professional pursuits. I knew I wanted and needed to contribute more financially to our family.

Shortly after the birth of our second child we made the move so many make to the suburbs. In our case, we'd also taken on a complete renovation project of a historic house. But my options for workforce reentry were scarce. The gap on my resume looked like just the word sounded-a gap in ambition-not a purposeful plan I had crafted to focus on personalized learning and caregiving in partnership with my husband. My volunteer roles as a library board director, and the skills I'd developed researching, managing, and in some cases implementing renovation projects, did little to externally enhance my resume. I quickly realized that any step I took back into the workforce would likely be a step back from where I had left off and would still create logistical challenges. So, I explored other ideas, and I identified some opportunities in the low-tech environment I had entered as a parent, which contrasted sharply with the high-tech environment in which I had previously worked. I saw an opportunity for a business.

I went on to start a software company, be the CEO, raise capital, provide value to customers, sell the business, lead a division within a billion-dollar company, and be recognized as a "Woman to Watch in Tech" by the Boston Business Journal and as a "ChangeMaker" by HUBWeek. I became a board director of a private equity-backed company, a managing director at a world-class investment firm, and in addition, I think I'm a pretty engaged mom to my now-teenaged boys. Although this was not a straightforward or easy path, I don't think it would have been possible if I had stayed on a traditional career path.

By starting my own company, I was able to gain a set of experiences that are difficult to get in a silo-ed organization, and I was able to do it while more fully integrating my work into my life. I made these decisions several years before Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In was published, and a decade later the conversation on women and work has still not quieted down.

As I made decisions throughout my journey, I was reacting to the existing framework of what I understood to be possible. While my journey may sound unique, the choices that I felt I had at the time are common, and they are based on a history that hasn't really considered women in the workplace from the lens of what's possible.

How Did We Get Here?

In early 2019 former U.S. first lady Michelle Obama, who I greatly admire, made a passing comment while on a book tour in New York, simply noting that "lean in" doesn't work all of the time. Her casual remarks unleashed a firestorm of debate. Dozens of media outlets, including The Guardian, Fortune, Newsweek, NBC, and the Washington Post all ran with the story. Headlines screamed "Michelle Obama Slams Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In Theory!" "Michelle Obama Believes Lean In Doesn't Work!" It was as if the collective voice of the predominately male-owned media had reared its head to seize hold of any conversation on the topic of women in the workplace to say, "I told you so! You really can't have it all-even Michelle Obama agrees!" And knowing that, as the New York Times reported in 2018, 86% of all women become mothers, it was no wonder that the topic quickly added to the national dialogue. But as I read the stories and listened to the ensuing heated discussions that unfolded on whether women could really have it all, I had a different thought. I thought, "Yes, you can.but not like this."

Like millions of other people, I read Sheryl Sandberg's 2013 book Lean In and was motivated by it to rethink many social norms I had long unconsciously accepted. Her book, which encourages women to double down on their careers and assert their leadership skills, inspired me to continue to move my business, which I had started after stepping away from the traditional corporate world for a few years to be with my young children, forward. In fact, I was so inspired by Lean In that I was profiled on the Lean In website as a case on "Taking Risks" in 2013 (https://leanin.org/stories/claudia-reuter). However, I also understand why many people argue that leaning in doesn't work. The book has managed to be a part of a national conversation for more than six years, and there are myriad reasons why one could argue that leaning in, in it's most basic interpretation, is unrealistic. Yet, I don't think it's the act of leaning in that doesn't work. It's not the pursuit of meaningful work or the desire to lead, and earn a meaningful wage, that doesn't work. It's the structures into which we're leaning, even with a goal to change them, that make it look so difficult.

Many corporate structures are rooted in a past that no longer exists: single-earner, male, and ethnically homogeneous. As Marissa Orr describes in her 2019 book Lean Out, "Our systems must evolve, and until they do they're leaving a treasure of diverse talent on the table." One solution Orr offers is to "recognize the limitations of the system in which we work and understand that it cannot always fulfill our deepest human needs. When we recognize that we're looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places, the pain of our jobs begins to release its grip, and we can find alternative ways to fulfill our needs." In Lean Out, Orr candidly describes her experience of parting ways with Facebook. In her book, she dives into research on whether women even want the leadership roles that Sandberg rallies for women to go after, and offered statistics showing that, in fact, very few women or men want to be CEOs or high-level managers. Instead, she advocates for directing dollars toward supporting women in lesser positions and dropping the focus on getting more women into leadership positions within today's corporate structures. I understand her point, as well as the media frenzy that followed Michelle Obama's comment. However, I think this is a false dichotomy.

Rather than debate whether women should lean in or lean out, why not offer an alternative, one that empowers women and men to redesign the very structures that are broken and to build the lives they want right now?

Why Not Lean In by Starting Up and Move Past the Binary Setup?

Many women jumped deeply into their careers following the success of Lean In and its affiliated groups or circles, of which I'm also a member. Speaking with a number of recent college graduates at a university alumni event earlier this year, I heard first-hand how the impact of Lean In's success, coupled with the current college student-loan crisis, has left many younger women stressed and anxious, wondering how they will blend the careers they've prepared for and the families they may want someday. And the backlash that has erupted against Lean In actually reinforces the idea that we are all somehow choosing between "work" and "family," choices that, as Tina Fey famously called out in her book Bossypants, men are seldom-if ever-asked to make. The implication in creating a dialogue on leaning in versus leaning out is that it allows the myth to persist that those are the only two options. The message is an either/or, binary proposition: either we work with what exists today or we step away from our passions or desire to lead. I don't think that was...