Chapter One
A Dog-less Home
We boarded the plane in Palm Springs on a hot, sweltering, July morning. It was 2008 and this was my first trip to Cape Cod in twenty-five years without a Golden Retriever at my side. In Dallas, where we had a layover, James and I said goodbye to each other. James, my partner of five years, was traveling to Baltimore to see his parents. As we embraced, he said, "Take care of yourself. Call me if you need to." He was concerned about my well-being while staying with my family, as was I.
The flight to Logan in Boston was three and a half hours long. Most of what I remember was just staring at the seat in front of me, my heart fractured. I had planned the visit assuming my Golden boy, Willy, would have accompanied me. He always liked flying. The other passengers and flight attendants showered him with lots of attention.
One time on our way "Back East" the attendants let him up on the seat, brought him blankets and pillows, and even a meal. They pulled out their phones and showed me photographs of their pets. Since 9/11, this would never happen.
You might be wondering how I was able to bring my dog right on board. Surely, mobility wasn't a problem for me. I wasn't in a wheelchair. Nor was vision an issue. However, during the worst of the AIDS pandemic, I experienced chronic sinus and ear infections causing my eardrums to burst. This sounds painful, and it was. When these infections flared up, I was made completely deaf. Weeks went by before the antibiotics kicked in. The bouts happened so frequently my eardrums never closed over. So I was forced to wear hearing aids starting in 1990. Fortunately, the San Francisco Bay Area Hearing Society loaned me a pair. Even so, my ear doctor advised me to keep them out whenever I could. Back in those days, people with AIDS contracted some seriously strange illnesses and my ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist didn't want an infection going into my brain.
In 1998 Willy became my legally licensed service dog for my hearing. He alerted me to people and animals; knocks on the door. Patrolling the area around me. Especially in the evening when it was dark. Once he saved my house from burning down when I didn't hear the smoke alarm. Willy entered the bedroom and stared at me until I finally got up. He led me into the kitchen where I found the stove on fire.
Willy gets the credit for introducing James and me to each other one spring day at the local coffee shop, Koffi. He had free-range of the large grassy courtyard behind the cafe. He started begging at James' table. So much so, that he even pawed to get some food. I had to get up and retrieve my retriever. That's how James and I met. Just like in "101 Dalmatians," when Pango wants to meet Perdita, and the owners meet, too.
The first morning home at my parents' beach house, I sat with my mother in the enclosed summer porch room. As I sipped Irish Breakfast tea, she said, "It's strange for you to be home without a dog."
"Feels really strange to me, too."
My mother was a small, slender, but still beautiful woman, who continued to smoke too much. While I'm around she pretended she didn't smoke in the house. Then I'd catch her walking through the kitchen with a lit cigarette, and the pretension ended.
"You look tired. And you've lost some weight."
"Well, we've gotten that out of the way," I replied. My mother reminds me of Doris Roberts in Everybody Loves Raymond. Or should I say Doris Roberts is based on my mother since she'd been doing it a lot longer than that show.
Such comments about my appearance used to bother me and send me into a tailspin. I'd be concerned now if she didn't say those things. I always hoped to come home and hear her say, "You look good." By now, after so many years of living away I realize those words will never be spoken and maybe they were never supposed to.
The fact is when I moved to Palm Springs in 2003, I hired a trainer to help me with my workouts, solely to gain weight. I now weighed ten pounds more since I last saw her. More than I ever had. I was a bulging one hundred and eighty-five pounds. For my height of five feet ten inches, I was a buffed machine and I never looked better.
Then she asked, "When will you get another one?"
"Not sure." I shrugged. "When I get back." I gazed out the window observing what had changed and what had remained the same over the last year in the green woods surrounding their house. I loved how their place looked out over the trees. I noticed a large branch of the old Oak tree lying on the ground. Some windy storm must have taken it down.
She was right. Being there alone was strange. Three months had gone by since Willy's passing. I missed him terribly. His congestive heart illness took him so quickly. One day we were hiking up a steep mountain. Within a week he could barely breathe. I blamed myself for not getting him to the vet more quickly. Perhaps he'd be here with me if I had.
I settled back in the thick-cushioned wicker chair and exhaled. "I'm probably going to rescue a dog," I answered. I shared with her about all the animals turned in to shelters because of the rash of recent foreclosures. "I already signed up online with a few different groups who rescued Goldens." She was pleased with the idea. She knew how important a dog was in my life.
My parents' house sits on a knoll above Lake Elizabeth and Red Lily Pond on Cape Cod. These two small lakes are situated between their house and Craigville Beach, four blocks away. In the past, Willy and I rose each morning at the crack of dawn, sometimes beating sunrise. We strolled down the road by the lakes, pausing to search for the two white swans that resided here year-round. They're so majestic. I felt lucky to see these magical animals. The same feeling you would get, I imagine, if you saw a white unicorn.
From the lake our adventure would ramble along the edge of the Craigville Retreat Center. This religious organization believes that "No matter who - no matter what - no matter where we are on life's journey - notwithstanding race, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, class or creed - we all belong to God and to one worldwide community of faith." Often we saw bumper stickers with pro-environment messages and even rainbow flags and equality stickers.
A Golden Retriever named Abigail had lived at the house on one corner, where the lake and the complex bordered. Abi would push the screen door open, dash out to us, barking and hopping. She and Willy scooted in and out of the lake. Then one summer the house was quiet. As I walked by the property on this dog-less summer morning, my heart ached. The loneliness was heavy on my shoulders. These sweet creatures never live long enough.
Dogs are allowed on Craigville Beach from September 15 through May 15. Though it's no secret that dog owners use the beach year-round. The catch was to go before the college kids who staffed the entrance booth arrived and before the police finished their coffee and Boston creams at Dunkin Donuts.
Getting up so early was worth the effort to have the beach to ourselves. Occasionally, a lone fisherman, or a swimmer, would be the only other human presence. By 9 a.m. the beach would be packed with people. Not something I took pleasure in. Rules are strictly enforced at Craigville Beach. The regulation sign is huge, prominent, and expansive. Resident parking permits are required year-round. No smoking. No alcohol. No obscenities toward employees. Swim in designated areas only. Flotation devices only if there's an onshore breeze. All umbrellas must be secured properly and not obstruct the lifeguard. No breach of peace. Drones are prohibited. No dogs. All in all, there are fifteen posted rules. Apparently nudity is allowed. (Just kidding.) Actually, I agree with each and every one of these rules except of course, the canine rule. But even this rule is one I support in the heat of the summer. No dog ought to be on a hot crowded beach where their paws might burn.
Each morning, walking along Craigville Beach, I felt Willy with me. I could see him splashing through the water and diving above the waves. As I rested in our favorite spot, out on the breakers protecting the marsh, where we watched the gulls and terns glide by and the surf split in two, I felt him sitting next to me and licking my cheeks. A memory comforting and lonely at the same time. Tears streamed down my face.
These excursions "Back East" were never without problems. My relationship with my parents was always rocky. But since the Cape Cod house wasn't the home from my youth, the button pushing wasn't as strong. No matter what, my father always managed to find something to criticize me about. I'm not exaggerating. On a previous visit, I questioned him why he picked on me so often and he replied, "Cause you're such an easy target." My father was always a bully to me. When I was eighteen, and told him I was gay, he dragged me down the stairs and beat me. As a result, I tried to avoid him as much as I could. Having Willy with me always made these moments more bearable. He was my release valve. My escape. I could easily grab the leash and get out the door to avoid my father's verbal assaults.
In March 2008, Willy crossed over. March became April and not only was there no dog, there was also no plan to get one either. The solution...
