Chapter 1:
Is My Mother A Narcissist?

In this first chapter, I'll talk about the relationship between a mother and daughter when the mother is narcissistic. I'll also discuss the concept of maternal narcissism. This is something that counselors and other clinical workers witness all the time.

Then, I'll examine the nine signs of a narcissistic mother to explain maternal narcissism in detail. However, some of these signs would also apply to mother-son, father-son, and father-daughter relationships. This brings us to how to look at narcissistic parents in general. I'll talk about parenting styles after talking about narcissistic parents.

After that, I'll examine the characteristics of a narcissistic mother and what it means to have a narcissistic mother.

But first, let's examine the core concept of this book: narcissism.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait that includes the traits of self-centeredness and the overwhelming desire for validation and admiration. In general, there are two types of narcissism. There is overt narcissism, which characterizes someone who is socially dominant, arrogant, and hard to criticize.

It is different from vulnerable narcissism, which is marked by shame, hypersensitivity to criticism, and easy to anger. It is less obvious to detect than overt narcissism and is sometimes referred to as covert narcissism.

What Causes Narcissism?

Narcissism is thought to be caused by genes and the environment, much like all other personality disorders. A significant amount of research has been conducted to determine the significance of these two types of narcissism.

Selfishness has a heritability rate of between 47 and 64%, whereas the influence of the environment is between 36% and 53%. Personally, I assume that the influence of both is about 50/50.

One of the questions I am frequently asked in my profession is whether or not a narcissistic mother can make her daughter selfish. This worries many of my clients because most people don't want to be self-centered, and they worry that being around a narcissist, especially a figure of significant influence like a mother, could make them narcissistic too.

There are a few ideas about how this might happen. We know that narcissistic parenting can result in the development of narcissism among children, but we don't know how it happens. One theory states that too much or too little gratification can result in the development of narcissism.

In the too much theory, the child expects a level of satisfaction that they don't attain in real life. Therefore, they develop it on their own. According to the two little theory, this leads to narcissism.

It is also believed that the very nature of narcissistic parents can cause narcissism; however, research results are mixed in this area, which brings me to parenting styles. This topic is interesting, especially regarding the narcissistic mother because it examines how the mother and father contribute to the development of narcissism.

Parenting Styles and the Development of Narcissism

Parenting styles can be categorized into four styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and indifferent.

Authoritarian: When a parent is authoritarian, they want to maintain control of their child. Obedience is expected without the need for an explanation. Therefore, the parent tells the child what to do, but not why they should do it. The parent is strict and demands obedience. When a parent punishes a child, the child is expected to obey. This is how submission is warranted.

Authoritative: The authoritative parent tries to change a child's behavior by presenting reasons and explanations for establishing rules so that the child always possesses an understanding of why they can and cannot do certain actions. This kind of parent is assertive, but not too much. They don't get in the way of the child's development, believe that the child has rights of their own, and consider what the child thinks.

Permissive: A permissive parent raises their kids with a lot of love. They are soft, find it hard to punish their kids and don't want them to grow up out of childhood.

Indifferent: The indifferent parent allows the child to figure out how to solve problems independently. The child is told to be able to do the things they want to do. The parent doesn't help them in any way.

Each of these styles of raising a child has its advantages and disadvantages; however, the authoritative style is usually considered to be the healthiest for the child.

To determine how narcissistic traits potentially developed, examine the individual's unhealthy behaviors and compare them to the commonly recognized traits of narcissism and how it might have started.

The Development of the Vulnerable Narcissist

Research shows that when a mother raises a child in an authoritarian style, the child is more likely to develop into a vulnerable narcissist. When a mother raises a child in a permissive or authoritative style, this is bad for a vulnerable narcissist. This means that as the mother uses these styles, vulnerable narcissism in the child diminishes. Therefore, it doesn't make people more likely to be vulnerable narcissists. The indifferent style has nothing to do with it, so if the mother uses it, we don't see any difference between the child and vulnerable narcissism.

The Development of the Grandiose Narcissist

Concerning grandiose narcissism, we can see that the mother's parenting style is not related to the development of grandiose narcissism in the child. This means a mother is not the cause of grandiose narcissism; however, there are several things a father can do that could cause the development of grandiose narcissism.

If we look at this from the father's point of view, we can see that the authoritarian, indifferent and permissive parenting styles are linked to the development of grandiose narcissism when used by the father.

Therefore, it can be concluded that having narcissistic parents can give rise to the development of a child narcissist; however, that's not the only problem. Next, I'll talk about what happens when a mother is too self-centered. Then, I will talk about the traits of a narcissistic mother, a common issue in my clinical work.

How To Recognize a Narcissistic Mother

Sign 1 - She Turns the Conversation to Herself

For example, the daughter wants to talk to her mother about a problem she is having, but the conversation turns into one concerning the mother's problem, which is always bigger, worse, and more important. Sometimes, the daughter is even to blame for it. If the daughter says, "This is also pretty common" or "I can't seem to get things done, the narcissistic mother will most likely respond, "I know how you feel. It's exactly how I felt when I was trying to raise you, but you wouldn't listen. You wanted to do things your way all the time. You never understood how I felt."

Sign 2 - She Openly Displays Love for Male Figures Over Her Daughter

This is shown in many ways: she might flirt with her daughter's boyfriend in front of her daughter; she will force the daughter to compete for the love of her daughter's father or step-father; she will ensure the daughter will feel as though she will never be good enough for her or as successful as her. In a nutshell, the mother treats her daughter as though she were less important, or, more precisely, like a less important version of herself, one that was never quite as good as she.

Sign 3 - She Makes Her Daughter Feel Like She Is a Burden

She gives you the impression that being with her is putting pressure on her or that you are an emotional strain. You could experience guilt or shame just for being who you are

Sign 4 - She Doesn't Protect Her Daughter From Dangerous People or From Someone in the Family Who Hurts Them

Sometimes, the narcissistic mother even protects the individual hurting the daughter. They don't care if their daughters are mistreated, and in some ways, they might even enjoy it. They convince themselves that their daughter is being punished for being a bad daughter.

Sign 5 - She Is Emotionally Unavailable

This means she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to talk about feelings. I think the wrong kind of emotional availability is linked to this. It's not that they aren't available, but they are available in the wrong way. When the daughter says, "This other person did something that made me angry and hurt," the mother will respond, "You might be dangerous or violent. I always knew you were like that, so I could never really put my faith in you. I can't say you'll be safe."

In a way, it's the same as being emotionally unavailable because the daughter doesn't want to discuss her feelings because they are perceived very differently from her mother's point of view. This sign shows that feelings aren't being validated or at least, not very much.

Sign 6 - She Is Controlling and Manipulative

When the daughter falls short, there is much drama. For example, if the daughter gets into minor trouble at school, the mother might say, "I am hurt, disappointed, shocked, or disgusted." This is an example of blowing something small out of proportion and making it about themselves again.

We also sometimes see a disappointed look instead of a clear statement. So instead of talking, they stare at each other or give a look of deep disappointment. Again, this was meant to be deceptive and not real.

The narcissistic mother believes she owes her child something that can't be paid back. So this means...