CHAPTER IV
Historical Conundrums
Table of Contents There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest. What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King of England.
When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign.
Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet.
What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!" (Mameluke).
What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles (Themistocles).
Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Cæsar? The miserable Cinna (sinner).
What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great composers of modern times.
Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough out of him.
The name of what character in history would a person mention in asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up the grate).
Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the volunteers intend doing.
Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.
When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine, and where? He took a chop at the King's Head.
Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation? Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop.
Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle began.
Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known? Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed) like one of these.
What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).
If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages, why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an M. P. raw (emperor).
Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob-without a crown.
In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the other by knights.
Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the first man who entered it.
Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought it a good opening for a young man.
What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and we (the English) one (won).
What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers? The battle of Assay(e).
Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history of England? Chap. I.
Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phonicia to Greece.
Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his fortieth year.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O (Scipio).
Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris? Just as he left the rain (reign) was over.
Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar).
If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).
Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it was built for one sovereign-and finished for another.
Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and they are wretchedly slow.
Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got reverses.
Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole on).
Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World.
What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other used to put a cask (casque) on his head.
What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G (effigy)?
How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs.
What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One was a wonder, the other a Tudor.
What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory.
It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The letter "m."
Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers).
Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.
Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did not agree with him.
When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope's bull.
Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was able to make out his policy.
What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses.
What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of A-gin-court.
What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her).
What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans.
What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck.
What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name and-hang him.
Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman? One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.
Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George Washington, for he was the father of his country.
CHAPTER V
Conundrums of the Civil War Period
Table of Contents Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other Washington was bound to defend the army.
Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A. Lincoln) to history.
Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).
Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter? Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which an unusual amount of interest is attached.
Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers? Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their return.
Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he governs by Can(n)on Law.
Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it will not dissolve.
Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers' vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).
Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.
Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put? Beaure-guard.
Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.
Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping the streets.
In what relation...
