Minding Yourself

Living the Dream

In order to live our dream, we must first get rid of the bullshit that's holding us back and identify what our dream actually is. Sometimes we over complicate our dreams. We dream of a big home, lots of money, mojitos on the beach, but they aren't really our dreams. Those are often disguised as the need to feel important, to have security, and to not feel guilty about relaxing.

If you have a big home that's empty, is that your dream? Or is it a reflection of how you feel? If you have lots of money but more debt and no real human connections, is that also your dream? Or is it now a fear? At some point the mojitos will get old and life will become meaningless. What do you do then?

Often people mistake their goals for ideals. They set goals based on what they think will give them what they want. Not on what they actually want.

Tony Robbins preaches the six core human needs as a means of understanding what we humans are really seeking. This is strikingly different to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. The six core needs can help us gain a clearer understanding of what is the motivation behind our goals. To deepen our understating of why we want what we want can increase the likelihood of achieving the goal. People can be guilty of getting upset over goals they didn't really want and fail to get because it reinforces a deep seeded belief of them being faulty and absent of the ability to see things through to the end. They didn't want the goal, which is probably why they didn't get it, but then it also strengthens a limiting belief they have of themselves and drives them further away from their true goal as it strengthens the thoughts that tell them they don't deserve it. We don't get what we want; we get what we are willing to receive and what we think we deserve.

Understanding the six core needs can help us strengthen our why, and in some cases even realize that what we say we want isn't really what we want and then change course accordingly.

The six core human needs that we seek to fulfill are the following:

Personality Needs

Certainty

The need for safety, security, comfort, order, consistency.

Uncertainty or Variety

The need for change, surprise, the unknown, challenge, excitement.

Significance

The need to feel important, to have meaning, sense of self, worthiness of love.

Love or Connection

The need to be a part of something, to be accepted, to feel wanted, to feel loved by and cared for.

Spiritual Needs

Contribution

The need to give back, to care for, to deepen meaning, leave a legacy, protect, and serve.

Growth

The need for continual improvement and development of the mind, body, and spirit.

The first four of the needs are personality needs, and the last two are spiritual needs. When broken down, every goal we have falls under one of the above categories. They may be communicated slightly differently; for example, someone may say they want to be accepted rather than stating they want to feel connected. Knowing this is crucial for us to not only set worthy goals but to also deeply understand why it is important to us and, conversely, if it isn't important to us.

A good example of this would be somebody wanting to start a business. Let's use the fitness industry as the example. They set out wanting to start a gym and making a positive impact in people's lives. The reason behind this goal could be the following:

Certainty: to have control over their life and be in charge of making decisions on their future

Variety: to have a new challenge in life or to do different things each day and deal with a whole new group of people

Significance: to prove someone wrong or to try and get their approval, an attempt to feel important as an owner rather than as a personal trainer

Connection: to build a community based on their own values and have a family outside of their immediate family

Contribution: to make a bigger impact on the world and leave a legacy

Growth: to take the next step in their career and continually be in a place where they either sink or swim

If we simply understand the goal on the superficial objective level, then we can miss the deeper reason why we are pursuing it. We pursue a goal because we believe it will give us something we don't currently have.

If we take weight loss as the example again, we start to see how even though people may lose weight, if they don't also achieve what they truly want, then they still won't be happy.

Here are some examples as to why somebody may want to lose weight:

Certainty: to take control of their health after a toxic relationship where they felt out of control

Variety: to start participating more in life so that they can experience the moments that they feel they are missing out on by sitting on the sidelines.

Significance: to feel attractive and confident, to take care of themselves as if they were someone worth taking care of, that is to be significant to themselves

Connection: be healthy enough to play with their children and build memories for life

Contribution: to be an example and show the world you can turn your life around

Growth: to understand themselves more and to experience more in life through their body that they were gifted

If someone was just to lose weight yet wasn't able to connect to the deeper reason, then we may find that the result will only be fleeting. Nothing has changed. Nothing has been achieved. The person is still in the same place as they were before, just with a new wardrobe, one that they will have to sell or throw out if the results go back to where they were before they started the fitness journey, which is so often the case.

As you can see in the above example, if the person doesn't have a worthy pursuit and continually develops their HIQ through education and love, then they yo-yo. They look for superficial goals and are provided with superficial solutions. So many people are afraid to go deep but that is where you experience life. It is also where you can complicate life, but at its core, it is where we can truly understand ourselves and experience the richness that life has to offer. If we live superficially, then our experience is also superficial. People aren't afraid of love, they are afraid of not being loved in return. They are afraid of being rejected because they have rejected themselves. So they live superficially and keep people at arm's length in order to protect themselves from pain, not realizing that they are constantly in it.

One important question we can ask ourselves is, what key experiences do we want to have in this life? When we set experience-based goals, we challenge ourselves to gain something in the form of a memory or a way of contributing and giving back that which helps deepen the connection we have to achieving our goal. What is the experience we want to gain from losing 20 kg? What is the experience we wish to gain from starting our own business? What is the experience we wish to gain from starting a family or buying a home?

When we get to the experience and see what that will give us that we don't already have, then that is one sure way to truly connect to our goals and build a strong bond with the sense of achieving them.

Goals vs. Resolutions

Sometimes people don't reach their goals because they aren't goals but resolutions. In essence, a resolution is something you continually work toward and do, whereas a goal is specific and has a predetermined completion date. A resolution is a promise to yourself and is often made up by a cluster of goals. There are a number of different ways people want to describe the differences, but the key thing is that they are different.

A New Year's resolution like "losing 10 kg" or "running a marathon" is a goal, not a resolution. A resolution is to train five days a week for twelve weeks. The word "resolution" comes from the word "resolute," which is to be admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering. When we bring energy and determination to our goals, we give ourselves the best chance of success. Being resolute about going to the gym five days a week will give us the best chance of running a marathon or anything else we are training for.

A resolution is more likened to the habits and behaviors we wish to develop continually; a goal is something finite and measurable. This is why we are asked about our New Year's resolutions. We aren't being asked what we want to...