Part II
The facets of my disease

The further the content and my problems with it

After I have put the first part of my own story down on paper in such a way that I have covered all the points that are important to me, I struggle with myself and the many thoughts about the rest of the content for many months or even years. At times I think about whether I shouldn't just "destroy" everything I've written so far and focus more on my current life instead of constantly dwelling on the past. I'm torn as to whether what I'm writing down will interest anyone at all and, if so, whether I'll be able to express myself clearly and cover all the important topics. I spend many sleepless nights going over the content again and again and increasingly have the feeling that I just can't get it right. My mood alternates between sadness, anger and disappointment in myself to exuberant enthusiasm.

My attempts to include the "right" points in the "right" order repeatedly fail miserably and each time bring me close to the point of giving up on everything. Again and again I think about what has to come in which order until I finally come to the realization that the order (except for part I) doesn't matter in the end. Exactly - the order simply doesn't matter. There are simply many topics that can be placed next to each other in a rather random order. My perfectionism, which in retrospect was a hindrance at this point and probably still is, almost made me throw everything away. The following content can therefore basically be read in any order without overlooking anything that is essential. With this realization I can now finally continue working.

Medical doctor, addiction therapist and sufferer

To avoid giving the impression that I am putting myself on the same level as doctors and addiction therapists, I would like to make a few comments in advance, not least to show that many of my statements represent my own experiences and the conclusions I have drawn from them. My aim is to make processes accessible to a broad readership without in-depth medical and therapeutic expertise. To make it clear once again: My accounts are those of a "long-time alcoholic" and are not primarily based on theories from outsiders, most of whom have never been addicted to alcohol themselves. Doctors and therapists may have gained experience in many different ways over time through their training and later work with patients, but they can never understand what it really feels like to be trapped in your own addiction. So it is also obvious that the "dry alcoholic" is an important, if not indispensable, part of finding the cause and also of supporting alcoholics.

Realistically assessing our limits

There is certainly a wealth of knowledge about the processes in our brain with regard to the development of alcohol dependence, as well as emerging approaches to medical and therapeutic treatment. Terms used in this context include messenger substances, neurotransmitters, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and many others. Drugs that trigger certain reactions in our brain change, strengthen, weaken or even stop certain reactions in our brain, albeit with side effects which, as far as I know, are often difficult to predict with regard to longterm medication due to a lack of experience.

As an engineer and scientist, I am convinced beyond doubt that the complexity of our brain puts all modern information and communication systems created by humans far in the shade. On the one hand, highly developed hardware and software is impressively powerful, but on the other hand, like everything created by humans, it is also prone to errors and, despite all further development, prone to failure. Our data processing capabilities cannot come close to the performance of our brain until we have fully understood how our brain really works across all levels.

The subject of consciousness and the associated question of the seat of the human personality has still not been clarified or even understood. That is why "artificial intelligence" can perhaps be defined as the goal of development. Consciousness, intelligence, our sensory perception and our feelings - all of this is what defines us as human beings. Mind and emotion are not independent parts of the human individual but, according to the findings of recent years, belong inseparably together and complement each other.

This means that we are currently not in a position to understand or comprehend which personality changes take place step by step, why and to what extent, and under what conditions, during the development of alcohol dependence. Of course, there are empirical values, but it is also a fact that every person is unique in the way they develop, with their social environment and the individual development they have undergone. So what has a certain effect on one addict can lead to completely different reactions, effects or results for another. Today, we do not know why some people simply get along with alcohol for a lifetime and never develop an addiction, even with regular excessive doses, while others become seriously ill sooner or later and in quite a few cases even die from it.

Addiction therapy approaches are of course continuing to develop, but the chances of recovery are more likely to be in the single-digit percentage range or perhaps even in the per mille range. The number of unreported cases is high and no one can predict how the alcohol problem will develop worldwide. At this point, trivialization and ignorance are certainly not an effective strategy, but rather serve those who make money from alcohol.

It is clear to me that we urgently need the support of people who have gone through the process of alcohol addiction themselves and survived with a clear mind. People who are stably sober and who are willing to share their own experiences with others who are directly or indirectly affected, whatever form this help may take.

In this sense, I see a realistic chance of success in cooperation between doctors, therapists and (former) addicts on a trustbased level. We can all constructively bring together our knowledge, our individual experiences and any theories and solutions we may have developed and work together on the problem. Then, I am convinced, synergy effects can also develop.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Anonymous has been around for many decades. A community of sufferers whose members have recognized that they are alcoholics and that the community initially simply gives them the feeling that they are not alone with the problem/disease.

Anyone who is directly or indirectly affected can be included and is therefore no longer alone in their situation. Nobody has to do anything, but can simply take part in various groups whenever they feel the need. Nobody is evaluated or even judged. Anyone who wants to or who has the strength and ability to get actively involved can do so. However, this does not result in any regular obligations.

The self-help group

Alcoholics Anonymous meet in the self-help group to help each other without reservation. So the name says it all. The idea is to offer a contact point with as low an inhibition threshold as possible. There is no obligation to attend regularly. Anyone who wants to or is able to do so can introduce themselves as a newcomer, but there is no obligation to do so. In the group, which has a responsible organizer, anyone who wants to speaks and introduces themselves by their first name at most. There is no set speaking time and the same person can speak several times. The content presented is not commented on by the others or criticized or even evaluated in any way. Everyone sits at a table or in a circle and everyone should be reasonably and behave respectfully towards the others. Anyone who is unable to attend soberly should at least come in such a way that they are not conspicuous or disruptive. For some people who are deep in the fog of alcohol, it is the only way to experience the feeling of community at all.

To make it clear once again: for some people, the self-help group may be the only thing keeping them alive at the moment. It's not a chat session for people who are just bored. Many a person seeking help is in a catastrophic state and possibly on the verge of death or even suicide. There are no other words that make the whole thing seem more pleasant, because ultimately it is simply a matter of survival for all those affected.

The above-mentioned boundary conditions require leadership by a person who is familiar with the problem (usually self-experience with alcoholism) and who is also able to lovingly take a possibly extremely inhomogeneous group (people in very different life situations and physical and mental states) by the hand. Leading a self-help group is a challenging task that can only be accomplished with the necessary awareness of what is at stake.

My own experiences

My introduction to the first self-help group was very bad. The person leading the group authoritatively didn't follow some of the unofficial rules listed (maybe she didn't know about them) and the room was a poorly lit, chilly "cellar hole" and after about 45 min. I left the group in a hurry. After that, I kept my distance from self-help groups for a few days during the initial phase of my first inpatient therapy. Just like inexperienced or unsuitable therapists, self-help group leaders can cause more or less damage to those affected, depending on their slant. The...