Time Out!

CHAPTER 2

HIS LOVE

What is love? This four-letter word has been written about and engraved on walls; it has been the theme of countless novels, movies, and plays. There is no single definition of love, and the word may mean different things to people, depending on cultural values, age, gender, and situation. Yet, we all know what it is when it strikes.

Let's take a moment to understand what many social scientists maintain, that love may be of two kinds: companionate and passionate. Companionate love is a secure, trusting attachment, similar to what we may feel for family members or close friends. In companionate love, two people are attracted, have much in common, care about each other's well being and express reciprocal liking and respect. Passionate love, in contrast, is a state of high arousal filled with the ecstasy of being loved and the agony of being rejected. This is where I believe my ex-husband and I differed, I had companionate love and my ex-husband had passionate love. We were God's unique children and so delightfully different. God made us with different personalities, senses of humor and abilities. However, we didn't love each other any less... we just had the opposite type of love. We just needed to meet in the middle somewhere, so that both needs were met.

Then God saw everything that He had made
and indeed, it was very good
(NKJV, Genesis 1:31)

Things happen for many reasons that are out of our control. I removed myself from being the victim in the story, and the reason why is that for me to learn through my experience is God's love for me. I also learned what caused my ex-husband to make the painful decision to give up and end the marriage. I know you may wonder, as I look at the man's point of view, how different seasons in your life can sound contradictive, as from the first story as I take a journey down his process behind ending our marriage.

In many marriages you have good times and bad times where the relationships are different from moment to moment. For example, you may love them dearly today and tomorrow you feel like you just can't stand to be around them anymore. Well, regardless of how you look at my story, its real life and you take the good with the bad. Somehow, you continue to love and support them through it all because that is your spouse, your lifetime partner, your best friend, the person you would fight to hold on to and never let go, until death do you part.

Let's make it clear what is marriage? It's a contractual relationship between a man and a woman that binds them with a new legal status. We are suppose to be competent to act, must have acted freely, and must not have made fraudulent representations—otherwise the contract may be dissolved by a judicial decree of nullity of marriage. However, marriage is unlike other contractual relationships in that it creates a status that may not be terminated at will by the parties, but only by a court, as by a divorce. It is thus often said that the state is a third party to any marriage. When clearly we should allow God to be our third party in our marriage!

My first marriage to my ex-husband was very different than my second marriage to the same man. Yes, we both wanted desperately for our marriage and family to stay together. And the second time around I believed we almost had it right. My second marriage was as normal as a marriage could be. We were doing very well adjusting to our past life struggles and moving forward. God was blessing us with more than enough; anything we even wanted or hoped for He made those things reality for us. In our second marriage if you remember, there were some things that my ex-husband needed if we got married again. I really thought I could give him those things, which was my attention and affectionate love; not just say it but show it through action. He made it very clear that he needed those things from me... and only me! I assured him I could do it. After we did get married, I tried my hardest, but I still was not adjusting to his expectations too well according to him, so, I'm sure he was very disappointed in his decision to try it all again. Believe me, there were other distractions in our marriage.

However, I believe going for my Masters degree pushed us over the edge, and God threw us both the rope to hold on...He made it clear that we had the choice to keep trusting and believing that it was all going to work out for our good. However, at that time we couldn't see that God was pulling us up. We took matters into our own hands instead of being still and holding on tight, even by a thread; we gave up to soon and we both let go. In my mind, I really was trying my best to meet his needs and it was very frustrating for me that he could not see my efforts. So now, here we are again facing our past and on the brink of divorce again. It's so sad how high the divorce rate is today in our society, with no regard, no consequences—it's just a matter of stamping a piece of paper and it's all over. Maybe we should put a law in place where anyone wanting a divorce must go through marriage counseling first (with the exception of abusive relationships).

Let's take a good look at the divorce rate, remarriage and living together today. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce whether you're in the church living a Christian life or as a non believer. Why are the statistics no better? "It's shocking that there is one divorce out of every two marriages!" What eventually happens to those marriages that end in divorce is those individuals will remarry for a second or even a third time. The second marriages have become a common act in the United States once divorce occurs in hopes of a better relationship and or marriage.

However, you should know that second marriages have their own disappointments for couples to deal with within the relationship. For instance, when my ex-husband and I agreed to get the divorce the second time, nothing could have prepared us for the ramifications behind the decision we made to give up on each other as husband and wife, especially in regards to family stability for our children. We both eventually decided to remarry and move on with our life. However, you must realize that often afterwards when you consider marrying someone other than the father or mother of your children, and then life becomes complicated with a different set of challenges, which will introduce -stepparents into the family that most children will have a hard time accepting, paying child support from a previous marriage; raising additional children, which leaves newlyweds little time for intimacy, and dealing with the other baggage brought into the relationship with them after divorce, such as fear of losing their self identity, or independent life or a bitter ex. Second marriages can be overwhelming and take a lot of time, to make it all work.

However, what if you do decide to try marriage again, but wonder how people find happiness by remarrying when the deck is stacked against them? Psychologist Dr. Michael Zentman, who specializes in marriage and family therapy, advises couples to get an emotional divorce, not just a legal divorce. "An emotional divorce requires thoughtful self-examination and the recognition that it almost always takes two people for a marriage to fail," he says. Acknowledge your role in it so you can avoid repeating it. I believe that you should take time out for yourself find out what you truly want in life and from a relationship if you consider remarriage. Don't marry because your ex found someone else and you feel pressured to do the same by your family and friends to prove a point that you have moved on, don't rush back into marriage take your time. When you divorce and don't take time out to exam your mistakes, you may end up doing one of two things which is marry the same type of person from your first marriage or marry someone who is totally opposite from your ex-spouse.

Once you've been through familiar situations and experiences learn to deal with them effectively and constructively to resolve the big conflicts and let the little ones go. Understand that you can't change anyone and what you see is going to be what you get!

You'll be blessed in life if you can find a true friend who is always there for you and also challenges you to be your best in three primary areas which are intellectually, physically and spiritually in finding happiness the second time around.

Defeat Failure:

• Make time for yourself, spend time being single, think about things that went wrong in your relationship, do you like hanging out with yourself?

• Explore why you would want to get remarried and make a list. What do you really want from remarriage, will this person meet your wants or needs or are you simply trying to not live alone?

• It's important to communicate about your finances up front it's best to have a his, hers, and ours.

• If you remarry and children are involved give your spouse time alone with his or her children and decide who will make parenting decisions

• Be open to marriage counseling if necessary because marrying someone who will not invest in your future with them may not last long.

So, how do we know when we are really ready for love? The only person that can answer that is you once you've had a chance to take an honest look in the mirror. Are you ready, or are there a few areas that need improvement before you can really enter into a loving and committed relationship? It would be an excellent choice to explore your own feelings and then this will help you discover if those feelings are valid and or not from old attachments that still exist which are needs you have that are confused as love.

I've interviewed...