CHAPTER 2
How to Break the Ice, Show Respect, and Build Trust with People Not Like You

It's easier to work with people we relate to and understand. Dealing with people not like us can feel like friction. It's harder.

But if you work with people who are just like you, you'll tend to get the same perspectives on issues and that affects innovation and problem solving. There was a study done with fraternity and sorority members that revealed this in a fascinating way. Fraternity and sorority membership conveys a powerful group identity and can create a strong sense of similarity with other members of the group. In the study, teams of three fraternity or sorority members were asked to solve a murder mystery. They were given clues and had 20 minutes to solve the mystery and name the suspect. However, five minutes into their group discussion, they were joined by a fourth team member, someone who was either from their own fraternity or sorority, or a different one.

When the fourth person who joined was an outsider, the teams solved the murder mystery more quickly and accurately than the teams where everyone was from the same fraternity or sorority. In fact, adding an outsider more than doubled their chances of getting the correct answer, from 29 to 60 percent. This is just one example, but there have been hundreds of studies done on the effects of diversity and diverse perspectives at work and they all come to the same conclusion: diverse teams yield better outcomes.

There is another aspect of the fraternity/sorority study that is revealing: the teams that were "diverse" (those that had team members from a different fraternity or sorority house) reported that they felt their interactions with the rest of the team were less effective than the teams where the members were all from the same house. In other words, working with diverse team members felt harder, but produced a better outcome.

This makes sense. When a team of people who are alike work together, they understand each other. They collaborate easily, build rapport, and share ideas and opinions freely. There may be little or no conflict, because there's no tension or friction. There are fewer dissenting opinions or issues that are likely to crop up. Everyone's the same, so everyone gets along. It feels easier. It's not like you have to break the ice and find common ground.

Before I started my own company, I worked for an ad agency that had several regional offices throughout the country. I was responsible for managing and running their Dallas office. The ad business is filled with young people and my office was no different-the average age of associates in our office was probably late 20s. Many were single and there was a fair amount of socializing after work. We even had a softball team and we played against other ad agency teams every week in the spring and summer.

We had an open position for a graphic artist and I hired Sam Donato. He was talented, ambitious, smart, and easy to work with. He had a great sense of humor and a reputation for being able to work well with a myriad of personalities.

Sam doesn't walk or stand well. He was in a terrible motorcycle accident years ago and it shattered his legs and hips. He uses a wheelchair to get around. When sharing the news of Sam's hire with my staff, I covered his bio and credentials and told them about his great reputation and the work he'd done for other clients. And I told them about his accident and that he uses a wheelchair. I wanted the staff to know so that they would understand why Sam's office area didn't have a regular desk chair and why the art materials he'd use were being placed within his reach instead of in high cabinets that would have been difficult for him to access.

On Sam's first day in the office, all the employees were introducing themselves, chatting with him, and filling him in on how things worked in our office. I overheard one associate, Tom, start talking to him about our softball team. He told Sam about our wins and losses, who played each position and who was good and who wasn't. Then he said, "Sam, I don't know if you even like softball, but we could use a coach. We're not that great of a team, but we have fun. Would you be open to helping us? Our games are on Thursday nights. We play at 6 p.m., and afterwards we all go out and grab a bite to eat. Want to join the team?"

Overhearing this conversation made me happy and proud. Tom welcomed Sam as a new team member, to both the office and the softball team. He acknowledged that Sam couldn't run bases, but didn't make it awkward or weird. Sam was different from the rest of the staff because he uses a wheelchair, but Tom didn't tiptoe around that or make that the focus of the conversation. He simply extended to Sam an invitation to join the softball team, on terms that worked for Sam. Tom broke the ice and started a sincere and respectful conversation with a coworker who was different from him. Breaking the ice is the first step in working with someone not like you.

STEP 1: BREAK THE ICE BY STARTING A CONVERSATION

The only way you'll get to know someone who is different from you is to talk with them. Whether it's a new coworker or someone who's been with your company for years but you've never talked with, the first step is to just meet them.

"Meet and greet" is a common phrase used in business, but it's an appropriate one: meeting someone is an introduction, an exchange of names, and, sometimes, areas of responsibility or position. But it's the "greet" part that is so important in getting to know someone who is different from you. A greeting is friendly. It's welcoming. It's inviting.

Imagine greeting guests at your home. You'd open the door with a smile and invite your guests in. Even if you didn't know them well, you'd do your best to make them feel welcome and comfortable. That's what Tom did with Sam-he not only met him and introduced himself, he greeted him warmly by telling him about the softball team and asked if he'd be interested in joining.

When applying this to work, the same principle holds true. Let's say you work in a company and someone of a different race or ethnicity or generation works down the hall from you. Perhaps you know their name, but you've never talked with them. You don't really know what to say, so you say nothing at all.

Why not try the "meet and greet" approach? And if you don't know what to say, here's a good icebreaker: "Hi, I'm Bill from accounting. I know we've both worked here for a while-I've seen you around, but don't know you. Tell me about yourself."

Those four words-"tell me about yourself"-are magic. They're magic because when you ask someone to tell you about themselves, they will tell you what they want you to know. They will tell you what they think is important. For example, they might tell you they've been with the company for five years and worked their way up from the bottom. Or they might tell you that their parents are from another country, but they were born here and the first person in their family to go to college. They may tell you about their kids or their dog or that they just bought their first house. Or that they love football and who their favorite team is. They may tell you about their previous jobs or experience. The key thing is, when you ask someone to tell you about themselves, what they choose to share can be quite revealing and interesting. It's certainly the foundation for more conversation. Most people respond very well to someone showing interest in them, and they'll often ask the same questions back to you-a great icebreaker.

What someone shares with you about themselves tells you much more than what you can see from the outside. All you can see on the outside are things like their age, race or ethnicity, or their manner of dress. Those may be important, but what makes them unique is what's on the inside. Not all women are the same. Nor are all men. Not all Gen X-ers or Baby Boomers are the same. Not all Blacks or Whites or Asians are the same. Not all gay people are the same. You get the picture. What truly defines a person are their priorities, their experiences, their perspective, and their values. When you're trying to connect with someone not like you, uncovering their values and their perspective is the goal. Because once you understand their values, you will better understand them. And that will make it easier to work with them, because you'll have a sense of where they're coming from, what matters to them, and why they do things the way they do.

STEP 2: FOCUS ON THE PERSON, NOT THEIR DIFFERENCES

When we meet or interact with someone who is not like us, what we typically see first-and focus on-are the differences. We see their gender. We see the color of their skin or the shape of their eyes. We see their age. We see their style of dress. We note all of these things unconsciously, but they register in our minds as "different" or "other." And often we make the assumption that because they are "not like us," we probably won't have much in common. But it's not true! People are people, and regardless of our differences, there is always something that connects us. It's usually not what can be...