CHAPTER 2
What Builds Great Relationships?

Good relationships are built with trust, and trust is rooted in action. I can't just tell you to trust me; you have to observe my actions and habits to see for yourself if you can trust me. We have to consistently act reasonably and respectfully toward each other to establish trust so that we can successfully do business together, educate together, govern together, or live together. If we work together and you don't trust me, you will subconsciously be focused on always protecting yourself in our interactions, instead of being fully engaged in the task at hand. For the purpose of this book, let's define trust.

Trusting you completely means I have unwavering confidence that you will always act in my best interest.

When I give this definition, many people ask, "What if we're both applying for the same job? If I always work in your best interest, then wouldn't I want you to get the job and not me? But I'm applying for it too, so isn't that mutually exclusive?" My answer is no, it's not. We both should want the person who is most qualified to get the job. It would not be in your best interest to get a job if you are not the most qualified person for the job, and you shouldn't want that for me either if you're acting in my best interest. My employees and peers in that new job would not respond well to me as a leader knowing that someone let me get the promotion versus them when they were more qualified. That situation causes stress, regret, and most likely leads to resignation or termination. If you act in my best interest, you want me to get the job that I am the best person to fill, then I can thrive professionally and have the personal capacity for healthy relationships.

Sometimes people ask, "Who goes first?" as in "I'll act in your best interest if you act in mine." That's simple. A leader goes first. Even in peer-to-peer relationships there is an opportunity to lead the relationship. If you act in the other person's best interest and show them that they can trust you, even if they haven't done it first, you are leading the relationship in the direction of trust. If they meet you there, then you know you can trust them in return.

If trusting someone depends on their actions, then we can identify what actions establish (or maintain) trust, increase trust, and destroy trust.

What Actions Establish, Increase, and Destroy Trust?

If we work to develop a basic level of trust with everyone, we interact with on a regular basis, our communication and interactions with them will be smoother, more effective, more efficient, and more pleasant. The easiest way to establish a basic level of trust in a relationship is to always do what you said you would do.

Trust is established or maintained in a relationship when you do what you said you would do.

Every time someone shows up when they say they will, calls you back when you ask them to, or delivers on their project piece when they were supposed to, it shows us we can trust them, or continue to trust them. Doing what we said we would do is what is expected of us as adults. This is relationship management (or maintenance). It keeps the relationship going so that trust does not erode. It's being reactive by complying with "have-to" requests and preventing the consequences in the relationship that might arise if we don't do what we said we would do.

While simply maintaining trust by doing what we said we would do is not exactly leading the relationship, it is necessary in order to keep your relationships intact and alive, and relationships can continue to function well this way, support productivity at work, and not cause relationship problems. Doing what you said you would do includes completing tasks and workflow according to company values, which means attitude counts. Every organization should value treating each other with respect. Interaction between team members should be free of drama, games, power plays, and hostility to ensure a healthy and pleasant environment for everyone.

Although this sounds simple, it doesn't go without saying, and many people find it challenging to simply do what they said they would do. However, if you want someone to trust you, you must act in their best interest by doing what you said you would do.

Trust is increased in a relationship when you do something you didn't have to do for the other person's best interest.

Trust in a relationship increases to a new level when you go above and beyond what is expected and you do something you didn't have to do that is in the other person's best interest. If I'm going out to grab lunch and I pick up something for you also, even when you didn't ask me to, it shows you that I'm thinking of you when you aren't around, and I have your best interest in mind. If I send you a text with a funny story or a good article or if I initiate a chance to work together or socialize together, it shows you that I'm reaching out and investing in our relationship. If I provide help without being asked or see a need that you have and I try to address it, that builds trust. If I see an injustice you're subjected to and speak out for you, if I compliment the work you're doing and ask questions so I can learn from it, recommend you as an expert in your field, or speak highly of you when you aren't around, those things increase the level of trust you have in me.

Doing something you don't have to do improves the relationship and takes it from where it was to a higher level of trust. This is leadership in relationships. It's being proactive in relationships rather than reactive. Have you ever gone to a party and the host had your favorite beverage for you? Or has someone texted you a picture while they were on vacation or brought you back a souvenir from their trip? When someone does something they didn't have to do for you, they're saying, "I want to have a better, stronger relationship with you," or "I was thinking about you when you weren't around." We recognize desire in their actions because if they did something they didn't have to do, why did they do it? It was something they wanted to do. It's over and above what is expected.

When someone does more than what is expected from them in their job, we say they are passionate about their job. They are driven by a desire for greater results because they love their job, and they care about the quality of what they produce. If you're doing something you don't have to do, whether it's for a career, hobby, or philanthropic cause, then you're demonstrating desire and passion for it. That's also what we want to see in our important relationships. We want to see desire; we don't want it to be only transactional or imposed by expectations.

This is how we've made friends, it's how we've found partners, it's how our kids know we love them. If you're going above and beyond the minimum by thinking about me when I'm not around, doing something I didn't expect, filling a need that I have without me asking you to, offering a nice gesture to let me know you care about me, demonstrating a desire to take our friendship or partnership to the next level of trust, and then I reciprocate, then we can have a great relationship. This is how we learn to trust, and it's how our family, best friends, most trusted partners, and people we trust the most in the world became close to us.

We can't approach every relationship we have in this way. It would be exhausting and probably insincere and possibly not even welcomed by some people. Our best relationships are the ones we have cultivated this way, over time, with both people making investments in the relationship on a similar, if not equal, level. These are relationships we are passionate about, and we are willing to do more than the minimum required, more than what's expected, to make them great. We aren't just checking off the minimum boxes in the relationship like returning the other person's calls or texts or saying hello when we see them. Those things are just common courtesy and basic respectful behavior. Obviously, we expect more than that from our best relationships. We are aware of and are invested in the other person's needs, moods, responsiveness, opinions, and wellness. If there is a relationship we are passionate about, we can deepen trust by doing more than the minimum expected and investing in the relationship.

Trust is damaged when someone doesn't do what they said they would do.

Each time someone falls short of doing what they said they would do, or acts contrary to our best interest, our trust in them erodes a little. If these actions continue, or if the actions are severe, our trust in them can be destroyed.

Whether it's not showing up for a planned social event, being late for a meetup, divulging a secret, or a betrayal of a more serious nature, each time someone doesn't do what they said they would do, it erodes a little of our trust. Everyone has that friend who likes to leave their options open for a weekend, takes a better offer at the last minute, or ignores your communications occasionally. They like to be known as spontaneous and exciting. But when we need a reliable friend, we know that is someone we can't count on. Perhaps that's the reason they do it - they don't...