The Most Peculiar Chapters of My life
Me It took me seventy-plus years to write this book
Ch. 1 I caressed a naked woman without touching her
Ch. 2 I picked up dog doo with my bare hands
Ch. 3 I know how to speed without getting tickets
Ch. 4 I didn't learn to write until I was twenty-nine
Ch. 5 I developed a new school system for boys
Ch. 6 I'm the happiest depressed guy you'll ever meet
Ch. 7 I outsourced a movie to India
Ch. 8 I grew a plant on my big toe
Ch. 9 I found a cheap alternative to costly health insurance
Ch. 10 I saw Mike Tyson kick down a steel door
Ch. 11 I don't put more effort into life than I need to
Ch. 12 I'm a professional daydreamer
Ch. 13 I found God at Northwestern University
Ch. 14 I was kicked out of college after four days
Ch. 15 I pranked two Chicago Bear head coaches
Ch. 16 I was known as the polished tipper
Ch. 17 I got a C- on an A+ term paper
Ch. 18 I made water towers a matter of life and death
Ch. 19 I did the first national news story on vanilla
Ch. 20 I went to a prostitute and came home a virgin
Ch. 21 I was a Boy Scout for a day
Ch. 22 I went in the woods unprepared
Ch. 23 I spent an unforgettable night with Bill Murray
Ch. 24 I'm afraid of my own dreams
Ch. 25 I performed the first "non-comedy" standup routine
Ch. 26 I braved a night surrounded by wild animals
Ch. 27 I could have blown the Today show off the air
Ch. 28 I pissed in some guy's bottle of Pepto Bismol
Ch. 29 I made almost $1,000 an hour at McDonald's
Ch. 30 I was bullied by my fifth-grade teacher
Ch. 31 I met a terrific guy on a train
Ch. 32 I've got a politically correct n-word story to tell
Ch. 33 I was a dear friend of Ernie Banks
Ch. 34 I am an Agent of Fortune
Ch. 35 I got out of the army by screaming "no!"
Ch. 36 I got the better of a car salesman
Ch. 37 I shot the Bridges of Madison County
Ch. 38 I got caught counterfeiting
Ch. 39 I beat Simon
Ch. 40 I tested the limits of good taste
Ch. 41 I drove my crazy uncle temporarily sane
Ch. 42 I interviewed two of the scariest men in America
Ch. 43 I know how to get rid of an eye tic
