SECTION 31: PARTNER RELATIONAL CONFLICTS

Therapist's Overview

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. Understand the relationship between addiction and partner relational conflicts.
2. Develop and maintain effective communication and sexual intimacy with a partner.
3. Identify ways the client succeeds and fails in communicating with important others.
4. Identify better ways to communicate and learn to use those skills.
5. Learn to teach and use effective communication strategies with others in the client's life.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

• Adult-Child-of-an-Alcoholic (ACA) Traits
• Anger
• Borderline Traits
• Family Conflicts
• Narcissistic Traits
• Occupational Problems
• Oppositional Defiant Behavior
• Parent-Child Relational Problem
• Social Anxiety

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH THE CLIENT

The "Communication Skills" activity is intended for clients whose relationships are troubled due to poor communication skills, on the part of the clients themselves or others. This is critical to relapse prevention, as a common relapse trigger is relationship conflict, and the most common source of relationship problems is poor communication. Follow-up for this exercise could include guided practice in group, couples, or family therapy; keeping a journal about the outcomes of this assignment; and reporting back to the therapist and treatment group on outcomes.

EXERCISE 31.A
COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Saying what we mean clearly, in a way that is respectful to ourselves and others, is a learned skill. So is hearing what others are telling us. Communication takes two skills: expressing ourselves clearly and listening actively. This exercise will help you communicate more effectively.

1. Please name the person with whom you have the most trouble communicating, and why you think this happens. Then do the same for the person with whom it's easiest for you to communicate. Person Why It's Challenging _________________________ _____________________________________________________ Person Why It's Easier _________________________ _____________________________________________________
2. We all have communication styles we use most. The following are a number of styles. Circle those that you believe describe how you generally communicate:
   1. Aggressive. Expressing ourselves with little regard for others' rights, thoughts, or feelings. Aggressive communication can be abusive and judgmental. It may include name-calling, yelling, sarcasm, ridicule, and hostile body language.
   2. Passive-aggressive. Not expressing ourselves openly. Hinting; talking behind others' backs; sarcasm; constant complaining; expecting others to know what we think, feel, or want without telling them; refusing to talk even when others can see we're upset.
   3. Passive. Not expressing ourselves in ways we fear might upset others, or possibly any way at all. Giving short, uninformative answers; agreeing with whatever others say.
   4. Assertive. Expressing our thoughts, feelings, and wishes clearly without ignoring those of others; being able to say "no" in a way that respects both others and ourselves.

      Which best describes your style? Please give an example of how you use this style in two of your closest relationships.

       

       

       

3. Let's look at specific elements of communication and identify alternative actions that generally have better outcomes. As you read the following list, where do you see yourself?
   1. Mind-reading. We try to infer what someone else is thinking or feeling without asking for them to clarify or we assume that we know without asking. Most people resent it when others do this to them-it often triggers arguments. Think of a time someone put words in your mouth. Describe how you felt, the reaction you had, and whether it helped the communication:

       

       

      If you find yourself mind reading with others, interrupt yourself, then ask the person you are talking to how they are feeling or what they are thinking. Note what happens here.

       

       

   2. Name-calling. We get upset with others because of their words and actions. Calling people names isn't referring to their actions, it's labeling who and what they are-things they can't change. It's hurtful. Name-calling is one of the surest ways to turn a conversation into an argument. Think of a time when someone called you names. Describe the situation, how you felt, the reaction you had, and the impact it had on communication:

       

       

      If you find yourself name calling, stop immediately, apologize. Describe what you think happened.

       

       

   3. Interrupting or long speeches. These two go together. If we cut others off or finish their sentences for them, the message is, "What you have to say isn't important enough for any more of my time." Also, we're often wrong about what people were about to say when we finish their sentences. It works better to listen until they finish expressing their messages. Of course, for one person to let another talk uninterrupted, both must know they'll have a chance to speak too. Think of a time someone went on and on or kept interrupting you. Describe how you felt, the impact it had, on you, and whether it helped the communication:

       

       

      If you find yourself interrupting, interjecting, or going on and on, catch yourself and stop talking. Ask them to continue what they were saying.

       

       

   4. Be specific. If we say, "You always ____" or "You never _____," we aren't describing a specific action; we're labeling that person. We're also mistaken. Even if they often or seldom do something, it's unlikely that they always or never do it. If we tell others they always or never do things, they'll immediately think of exceptions. They'll probably feel hurt that we don't recognize those exceptions. Think of a time someone did this to you. Describe how you felt, and whether it helped the communication:

       

       

      If you find yourself engaging in you always/you never language, stop yourself and clarify what you heard them say.

       

   5. "Kitchen sinking." We may have many problems to work out with someone, but if we bring them all up at once, then they will feel overwhelmed. It's sometimes called "kitchen-sinking," because it feels to the other person that we're throwing everything at them including the kitchen sink. Think of a time someone "kitchen-sinked" you. Describe how you felt, and how it affected the communication:

       

       

      If you tend to do this when communicating with others, slow down and consider one thing at a time.

       

   6. Blaming. A near-guaranteed way to pick a fight is to blame someone for your own feelings or actions by saying "You made me feel" or "You made me do _______." Other people can't make us do anything unless they use physical force. They can't make us feel or think a certain way. Do you want to be blamed for someone else's actions and feelings? To solve a problem instead of starting a fight, it works better to say, "When you did (action), (result) this happened, and I felt (emotion)." (See h.) Think of a time someone blamed you for their feelings or actions. Describe the situation, how you felt, and whether it helped the communication:

       

       

      If you tend to blame others for how you feel or what you did, stop and consider how you can accept responsibility for your own behavior and feelings. How might this benefit you and the relationship?

       

   7. Respond to both the spoken and unspoken parts of the message. We need to listen to other people's words and respond to the emotions we sense in their facial expressions, body language, and tone after we check to be sure we understand them accurately. It helps when people see that we're paying attention and trying to understand them. Think of a time someone acknowledged your feelings as well as your words. How did they let you know? How did you feel about it?

       

       

   8. Use a structured communication method.
      1. Agree to talk about the issue at a specific time soon and at a place that is practical for both people and as free of distractions as possible.
      2. Agree on who will talk and who will listen first (you'll trade places often).
      3. The first person makes a short statement using the following format:

   Event/Result/Emotion

   "When (an event) happened/you did (action), it caused (result), and I felt (emotion(s))."

   Think of a time you were upset with someone. How would you have expressed your viewpoint in this...