Preface

What happened to you? It is a powerful question and each of you reading this will have a different answer. When we ask that question, we do not mean that you need to have a remarkable story, although you may. What we want to encourage you to do as you read this book is to think about how what has happened to you throughout your life, both positive and negative, has helped you develop as a leader. We encourage you to apply a personal lens to the theory and stories you read in the following pages to enable you to apply the lessons in your own life.

This self-awareness is the first step toward breaking free of any hostage mentality you may be trapped in, both in your business and personal lives, and it is a concept that we will come back to as we move through the chapters.

The World Has Changed

It is almost 20 years since the first edition of Hostage at the Table was published. In that time, life has changed and the world as we know it has changed considerably. The COVID-19 pandemic led to particularly significant changes in both the way people choose to lead and in how we manage conflict. Through this new and expanded edition, we are sharing updated stories, bringing the theory applied up to date, and introducing a new generational perspective through Andrew, George's son, who has co-authored this book with him.

When George was a child, he often traveled with his father to buy chickens for their poultry business from the Amish farmers in Indiana. He watched as his father negotiated with people from the Amish community and was struck by how they always trusted his dad, even though they were not known for trusting those from outside their communities easily. As he grew older, George realized the reason they trusted his father was because he could negotiate fair deals for a common goal. This started his education in how to build strong relationships and negotiate.

As the eldest male child, George was honored to enter a Catholic seminary at age 13 with the goal of becoming a priest. This experience brought with it many benefits: learning to live in a community; periods of intense study, education, and play; the forming of values and character; and learning about meditation and spirituality. One negative aspect was the loss of a "normal" adolescence. After some eight years, what had been a positive experience slowly became a negative ordeal when George could not face the truth that he wanted to leave. He had, in fact, become what he now understands to be a hostage to his own conflicting emotions about being in the seminary.

George was fortunate enough to know a wise, extraordinary man, Father Edward Maziarz, who became a confidant. During one earthshaking dialogue, Father Ed looked right into George's eyes and, with the wisdom of ages, calmly said, "George, you are free. You have the right to choose to do whatever you want." It was like a lightning bolt coming out of the sky that forever changed George's destiny. His words and his authenticity touched the depths of George's soul. The ensuing silence was sweet as George's mind reorganized itself to accept that as a fundamental truth. As he burst into tears of relief, he asked Father Ed to repeat those beautiful words. They unlocked a prison door that George himself had created. At that moment, he understood one of the basic truths of life - what Warren Bennis calls the "crucibles of leadership" - those defining moments in one's life that are a severe test of patience and beliefs, a trial that influences, shapes, and changes one's life forever. George was 21 at the time. It took another year to complete the process for him to actually leave the seminary.

In thinking back to that time, he has realized that in becoming a hostage to his emotions, he stayed in that situation long after it was time to leave. George was hostage to his grief about leaving what was familiar and all the benefits and security it brought. He also felt sad about not meeting the expectations of himself and others. He is eternally grateful to Father Ed, whose words rewired his brain and influenced his mind's eye (a concept you will read more about), thus reshaping his focus. Father Ed also represents another concept you will learn about in this book - that of secure bases, which are the anchors and supports you have in life in the form of people or goals that become major sources of empowerment. You will have the opportunity to see how important secure bases are for all of us.

Andrew followed a somewhat different path to his father - although he too traveled with his dad from an early age and saw George interacting and building relationships with people from around the world. People always told him that his dad was so influential because of the way in which he connected with people and how he made them feel, which always resonated with Andrew.

Andrew took the approach and skills he had observed through spending time with his father to Capitol Hill, where he worked as a legislative correspondent for eight years. During this time, he produced strategic communications and worked as a policy advisor in areas as varied as international affairs, foreign policy, small business, and technology. Andrew quickly recognized that the "traditional" command and control approach to leadership and conflict management that was often employed here wasn't effective because it didn't speak to how people are motivated. He turned to the concepts his father had used successfully for years as first a clinical psychologist, then a hostage negotiator, and then a distinguished leadership professor with great success.

The Origins of Hostage at the Table

The seeds of this book were sown after a defining moment in George's life in a hospital emergency room in Dayton, Ohio. As a young psychologist working for the Dayton Police Department, George accompanied the police to the hospital to deal with an agitated, violent man who was brought to the hospital with injuries resulting from a stab wound inflicted by his girlfriend. While George talked with this man in a treatment room, he suddenly grabbed a large pair of scissors and took both George and a nurse hostage, saying he would kill both of them. For two hours we pursued a dialogue focused on him, his life-threatening injuries, and the care required to keep him alive. The turning point in the crisis came when George asked, "Do you want to live, or do you want to die?" "I don't care," was his answer. George then asked, "What about your children losing their father?" He visibly changed mental states and began to talk about his children rather than his anger at his girlfriend and the police. In the end, he agreed to put the scissors down voluntarily and allowed the nurse and a surgical team to treat him. In an even more surprising moment, after putting the scissors down, this very "violent" man then approached George, with tears in his eyes, gave him a hug, and said, "Thank you, George. I forgot how much I love my kids." His words of gratitude wired George's brain forever to believe in the power of emotional bonding, dialogue, and negotiation with even the most dangerous person. George also surprised himself with the power he had to regulate his own emotions, from sudden terror to calm, focused resolve.

The lessons he learned on that evening in 1968 are just as valuable to him now as a professor of leadership and organizational behavior as they were in his earlier careers as a clinical psychologist, a police psychologist, a hostage negotiator, an organizational psychologist, and a radio talk-show host. George discovered that his learnings as a hostage negotiator could be applied successfully to situations of powerlessness and entrapment, in which a person is a metaphorical hostage rather than a physical hostage. In fact, such potential "hostage" situations occur every day, both professionally and personally.

Our goal in this book is to offer what we have learned as a hostage negotiator and through experience in various leadership roles for you to apply to situations in which you may be a metaphorical "hostage" in your life. Any time you feel trapped, powerless, and helpless, you are, in fact, a "hostage." While this book especially addresses leaders in organizations, it can be helpful to everyone in all walks of life.

Throughout our careers, working with individuals, leaders, teams, and organizations, we have found many people held hostage by others, by situations, or even by their own emotions. They responded similarly to someone physically held hostage when there was no real "gun to their head." They behaved like hostages even though they didn't realize it and, in fact, had the power to do something about it. We also discovered people who could easily have been held "hostage" by a person or situation and yet were not. In fact, the hostage metaphor is a powerful model to understand behavior, and the hostage negotiation framework can help anyone who is a metaphorical hostage.

A New Model for Leadership

Over time, George moved from his work in clinical psychology and hostage negotiation to the world of executive education with business leaders. In the clinical world, dialogue and conflict resolution were a central focus of his work. Simultaneously, his work in organizations involved a similar focus in a different context. Dialogue and conflict...