Chapter Two
Learn to introspect and solve unavoidable human problems.
Selfishness is human nature; being too selfish is a mental illness.
In this world, there are two types of people who are most disliked: one is those who have no sense of self, these people are like puppets, their souls are incomplete, like low-quality products mass-produced in a factory, lacking any attractive qualities; the other is extremely selfish people, who only know how to take but not give, only know how to complain but never reflect on themselves.
When you are with someone who lacks self-awareness, you will only feel bored and dull, unable to find any lively traces or memorable moments from them. And when you are with someone who is selfish, you will feel tired and in pain, unable to find any solace from them. No matter how much you give, you will not receive sincere gratitude from them, because in their eyes, it is all taken for granted.
Shudan is a particularly well-behaved and gentle girl. Since she was young, her family has been very careful in taking care of her because of her poor health. They have been very strict in controlling her, which has made her originally soft personality even softer.
In theory, girls like Shudan should be able to easily arouse men's protective instincts, but strangely, her love life is not as smooth as everyone thinks. In fact, Shudan has no shortage of suitors around her, but for some reason, every relationship she has is extremely short-lived. Those who have pursued her relentlessly always end up breaking up with her shortly after entering a relationship with her, but Shudan herself doesn't understand what she did wrong.
Until the last time, after being dumped for the third time in a year, Shudan finally grabbed her ex-boyfriend, who had just become her former boyfriend, angrily and asked him why he broke up with her. After hesitating for a long time, her ex-boyfriend finally confessed with difficulty, "I feel like you are too obedient. When I tell you to go east, you won't go west. When I tell you to sit, you won't lie down. When I ask you what you want to eat, you always say 'whatever I want'. When I ask you what you want to do, you always let me decide. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating my own clone..."
When there is no personal interest involved, the reason why we would actively approach someone, get to know someone, must be because we are attracted by some quality of that person. It could be their beautiful appearance, their good figure, their profound knowledge, or their unique personality, these are the roots of personal charm. And a person who lacks self-awareness has no charm at all, such a person is like a lifeless ornament, even if they have a delicate and beautiful appearance, after being played with and tired of, they will only be discarded and thrown away like old shoes.
People who lack self-awareness are not likeable, while those who are overly self-centered and selfish are even more repulsive. After all, if a person lacks self-awareness, you may find being around them dull at best, but if a person is completely selfish, you will constantly worry about them doing things that benefit themselves at the expense of others.
Long time ago, I did not have the habit of turning off my phone at night when sleeping. I only developed this habit thanks to my friend Chen Hui.
Chen Hui was my roommate in college. Although we went to different cities after graduation to develop our careers, we have always maintained friendly contact. Occasionally, we also confide in each other about some of the frustrations we have in work and life.
For a period of time, Chen Hui was not doing well, he often made mistakes at work due to pressure from his boss, and his relationship ended because his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend interfered. During that period, Chen Hui was feeling very low, almost every day he would be immersed in alcohol and unable to extricate himself. Whenever he got drunk, he would call me and pour out his pain and complicated feelings of love and hatred towards his ex-girlfriend. During those days, I had almost become Chen Hui's "emotional trash can".
Chen Hui seems to never consider the time when making phone calls. Several times I was woken up by a phone call in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes I feel annoyed, but as soon as I hear the pained and frustrated voice of Chen Hui on the other end of the line, I can only suppress my anger and repeatedly tell myself: I should learn to empathize with my friend. He is in pain now, he needs me.
In fact, I have always been a person who is willing to help friends. I feel that it is a responsibility and a mission. Aren't friends supposed to be partners who rely on each other? After accompanying Chen Hui through that unpleasant time, I have always felt that the distance between us seems to have shortened quite a bit, and our relationship has become even more intimate.
One time, I and a few partners invested in a small project together and put in a lot of effort. When we finally saw some returns from our hard work, I was almost ecstatic. That day, we went to the bar to celebrate. By chance, I saw my phone on the table and, under the influence of alcohol, I suddenly had the idea to call Chen Hui and share this joyful feeling with him. It was already after one in the morning, and normally I would never disturb someone at that time, but that day I was so excited and he was already considered one of my "good buddies", so I didn't hesitate to make that call to share my joy with him.
As a result, before I had a chance to share my happiness, I heard Chen Hui's slightly annoyed voice on the other end of the phone, coldly reminding me that it was already very late, and my call had disturbed his rest.
After that incident, I hardly ever contacted Chen Hui again, and gradually developed the habit of turning off my phone before going to bed. I think for a long time, maybe I won't willingly let anyone disturb my sleep again.
I am still willing to give to my friends, but in return, I also hope to receive corresponding feedback from my friends. In order to maintain a long-lasting relationship between people, it requires mutual effort and contribution from both sides. Only when there is a basic balance between giving and receiving can a relationship develop in the long run. Constantly demanding or constantly giving without receiving is not sustainable in the long run, after all, people may be foolish for a while, but they won't be foolish forever. So, if you don't want to be a boring, unattractive person, then strive to live out your true self; if you don't want to be avoided by everyone as a "moocher", then learn to share and give. Knowing how to live out your true self is growth, and learning to let go of yourself is maturity.
The feeling of loneliness is often caused by excessive defenses.
Many students have asked me this question: Why do people feel more lonely as they get older and know more people?
You probably have also had such an experience - wanting to talk to someone, picking up the phone, flipping through your contacts, not knowing who to call; wanting to go out and get some fresh air, but struggling to figure out how to allocate those lonely and boring times; seeming to get along with everyone in front of others, but feeling unable to connect with anyone behind their backs; everyone thinks your life is full of revelry every night, but no one knows about your sleepless nights...
In this internet age, distance is no longer a problem for people. Even if separated by thousands of miles, we can still have "face-to-face" conversations with others at any time through the internet; even while sitting at home, we can stay informed about events happening far away. However, strangely enough, the distance between people does not seem to be getting closer, but rather, it seems to be getting farther. Many people may seem to have a lot of social activities, and with just a few clicks can find friends to eat, sing, or play sports with them, but no matter how lively their days may seem, the feeling of loneliness in their hearts never seems to go away. It's as if the liveliness is only for others, and they themselves are like spectators, unable to truly blend in with the crowd, always accompanied by loneliness. Why are we becoming more and more lonely?
From a psychological perspective, the reason why people feel lonely is because they have not obtained enough satisfactory social connections, thereby causing uncomfortable emotional experiences. We know that humans are social animals with a very strong dependency on the group. When we feel excluded by others and unable to truly integrate into the group, we will fall into a bad emotional state because our psychological dependence is not fulfilled, and loneliness is thus generated.
Loneliness and solitude are different. Loneliness is a subjective psychological state of a person, while solitude is an objective fact. For example, a person may feel lonely, but as long as there is someone accompanying them, the feeling of loneliness can be alleviated. However, the sense of solitude in this person's heart may not necessarily decrease or disappear because of the presence of others. Therefore, we can say that someone who is lonely may not necessarily be alone, and someone who is alone may not necessarily feel lonely.
The reason why we feel lonely is not because we lack companionship, nor because we lack the ability to make friends, but because we lack a sense of belonging in our hearts. What is a sense of belonging? In psychology, it is defined as the emotional need for a person to be accepted as part of a relationship or group, and people long to be affirmed and...
