Ready to beat instead of self-doubt: confidently counter feedback!
// By Simone Janson
Many people are plagued by self-doubt. How nice it would be, critical feedback, often enough even unobjective to be able to confidently counter. Here you can find out how.
Negative feedback - and now?
"Everything is great," you might say. "But unfortunately a lot is expected in the job these days and it goes without saying that we are constantly criticized. It is therefore no wonder that I try to offer as few criticisms as possible by being as perfect as possible.
After all, I don't want to get caught if I make a mistake! " After everything you've read about how unsuccessful it is to avoid mistakes, you should know that you won't get anywhere with this tactic.
Prone to criticism
One thing should be clear to you: As a perfectionist, you already have a certain tendency to doubt yourself. The criticism from bosses or dear colleagues hits you much harder than people with a healthy self-confidence. And it is not uncommon for you to feel caught in criticizing others - precisely because you have secretly criticized yourself for the matter - right?
Criticism can hardly hit you if you stand by yourself completely. If you demonstrate this right away, you can let the criticism run into nothing: A colleague insults you in the following way: "You have no idea, you haven't even finished your studies!" - Answer: "You see that correctly", "You have observed this well" or "You will have to get used to that." And if you don't care what the others think, you can simply answer the accusation "You can't do that.": "Yes, I can!"
The others are always right?
The main problem with many perfectionists who struggle with self-doubt and overly demanding self-confidence is that they tend to believe their critics unconditionally. Like Isabel, who was invited to an important job interview.
As a perfectionist, she has meticulously prepared for it. She gathered information about the company, researched facts, considered formulations and bought a new costume. Everything should be one hundred percent. But despite her preparation, she is unsure. Good language skills in English and French were desired in the job advertisement. Isabel knows: Her English is excellent, but her French is a little rusty - her sore point, so to speak. Therefore, she has practiced a few standard French sentences with which she wants to demonstrate her skills.
Caught cheating?
The conversation is going well, the HR manager is enthusiastic about her English skills and Isabel wants to breathe a sigh of relief - then suddenly she hears: "Since you even have a French first name, you can certainly speak French as well. Tell me something about your last vacation in France. " The HR manager nods to her in a friendly way, but Isabel feels she has been caught: she didn't practice "talking about the vacation", she concentrated more on professional issues. Everything she ever knew about French grammar seems to have been blown away, she stumbles a little. "Well, you will still be able to do a few simple sentences, after all you have learned French for six years," says the HR manager with astonishment.
Isabel is angry with herself: not only that she failed, now she is standing there like someone who lied about his abilities. "You could maybe take a French course in France so that something like this doesn't happen again," says her friend affectionately a few days later. Isabel freaks out completely: "How can you fall in my back like this? I can speak French. I'm not going to discuss that anymore! "
The show must go on
In the end, she learns that an acquaintance has got the job from her, whose knowledge of French is very limited. She reveals her secret of success: "I just had something that sounds good. That was not noticeable because the personnel manager could hardly speak French. " If the personnel manager had criticized Isabel's knowledge of English, you would hardly have been affected. "But how did he know that French was my weak point? And why am I not simply more confident on this point? "
Sometimes criticism is justified, for example if you really made a mistake. Or if you cannot reject the criticism because the critic is your supervisor: then be clear about your mistake: "I understand that you are angry. I will deal with the problem immediately. " Do not try to pull yourself out of the affair in any way - this will only harm yourself. Rather show that you deal constructively with your mistake.
Please be more confident!
It is probably the same for you: there are situations in which you can cope with criticism simply because you feel safe and unassailable. Sometimes you may even feel so sure that you don't notice the criticism. Therefore, you may not be aware of these moments. And there are situations when someone touches your sore spot and you feel attacked, even if nobody wanted to criticize you.
The HR specialist, for example, wanted to provide Isabel with a good template for showing her skills. As a perfectionist, on the other hand, Isabel wanted to stick to her practiced French sentences in order to have everything under control; the fact that she should suddenly react spontaneously and completely unplanned was such a problem for Isabel that she got a blackout. But even more: Isabel believed that the personnel manager wanted to lead her onto black ice by talking about her knowledge of French at all and asking her something absurdly simple. On the other hand, her friend had acted cheekily in her opinion.
Swiftness is not for everyone. Perhaps a "cheeky" answer to criticism is not always appropriate. Then stay very factual. Do not justify yourself, it would only make you a victim. Stay calm and say as calmly as possible: "I see it differently. I would like to present my view of the matter. "
An absolute exaggeration
Unfortunately we are not always self-confident. And everyone reacts differently to criticism. This is because each of us carries certain hurtful experiences with us. Therefore, these vulnerable points are different for each of us. When a critic hits these sore spots, almost everyone is sensitive. But even if it is not nice for anyone to be criticized - many perfectionists also make it unnecessarily difficult. Because often they are not even hurt by the content of a criticism, but by the fact that something negative was said: after all, they want to be perfect. If you still make a mistake, it is tantamount to an absolute catastrophe in a typically perfectionist all-or-nothing way of thinking.
Perfectionists like Isabel don't just accept criticism, they also link them directly to their person. The personnel manager has factually determined that Isabel has to do more after six years of French lessons. The fact that he refers to her application gives her a sensitive stab: Apparently he does not believe her information. For Isabel it is as if he had called her a liar. And suddenly her inner critic becomes active, as if he was just waiting for confirmation from the outside and Isabel begins to believe that she has maliciously deceived the HR manager and that she deserves not to get the job. When her friend Isabel kindly suggests taking a French course, Isabel hides a criticism of her language skills. In both cases, Isabel interpreted the statements more than was actually said.
How to take criticism less personally
However, it also happens that criticism is actually hidden and expressed very indirectly: "Good idea - but not so good that you couldn't have shown it to me before you presented it!" By avoiding coordination with your boss, you run the risk of simply ignoring possible criticism - this can be a problem for certain bosses. The art is to distinguish between real and imaginary criticism. Target indirect criticism: "I'm sorry, that was not an intention. How can we better coordinate this next time? "
Think about it for a moment: maybe you are sometimes like Isabel? You hear a sentence, suspect criticism behind it, and react accordingly offended or irritated simply because you are a perfectionist - and the boss or colleague who said that no longer understands the world. Or a colleague says: "The boss was angry today" and they immediately think: "Oh God, did I do something?" Because you immediately refer to this remark or because an expression hits your sore spot. Most of the time, this way of thinking runs automatically. But you can do something about it by making yourself more aware of what you think.
Please think briefly
As soon as you feel hit by a statement, you should pause for a moment, think objectively and slowly answer a few questions: What am I thinking? What importance do I attach to these words or actions? How do I know I'm guessing right? What exactly was said? What wording was used? What is that really a criticism of me or a claim? Or do I only interpret this statement as a demand or criticism?
Ask yourself if there could be another explanation for this statement. It is not a question of really proving yourself that you are wrong in assuming that you are criticized. Rather, you should consider the possibility that there could be other reasons.
- Does my friend really think that I don't speak French or does he just want to go on vacation in France?
- Does the recruiter really think I lied to him?
- Is my boss really in a bad mood about me or is my colleague just scared because he made a mistake?
React correctly
It is of course nice to know how you can deal with the criticism for yourself if you can classify and evaluate it. However, that alone is not always enough, especially in everyday working...
