The Trueish History of Ireland

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BEFORE THERE EVEN WAS HISTORY

Island for Sale or Rent

As ridiculous as it may sound now, there was a time when not even Irish people lived in Ireland. The island was even described as 'a bit uninhabitable' in the first edition of Island Monthly, the glossy prehistoric magazine targeted at the world's wealthiest island-buyers. A copy of the magazine was discovered recently by archaeologists digging in north Offaly.

Prior to prehistoric times, the island, which didn't become known as Ireland until a few years later, was even attached to Britain, France and the rest of mainland Europe. It is still not clear what caused it to detach and drift away, although some French people claim they were only trying to get rid of the English, whom they traditionally love to hate. 'We must have pushed too hard,' a spokesman for France said at the time, though probably in a fairly strong French accent.

Ever so Slightly Boring

As you can imagine, being uninhabited can be a pretty tedious existence for an island, particularly if the eventual natives would go on to become some of the most fun-loving people in the whole of Europe. As there was no one living in Ireland, there were also no pubs, no parties and very few sing-alongs. On the plus side, there were no hangovers, no fighting and very few sing-alongs.

Although we have practically no photographs of Ireland back then, it is safe to say that it was a wet, stormy and rather dark place, particularly during the winter, which would often last for twelve months or more each year. Apart from the wind blowing and the odd shower, very little happened. That is not to say that there wasn't some excitement, particularly when the sun rose every morning, took one look at the mass of grey clouds and then just kind of sat there wondering what to do for the day. Later, it would get bored and sort of fall slowly out of the sky, letting the darkness take over again.

Life: the Early Years

Naturally, this is a very human-centred view of Ireland. But fossil records, carbon dating and articles in glossy nature magazines reveal that the island was teeming with life even before humans decided that living there might be a workable plan.

Dinosaurs inhabited the country a few years before humans.

Some of the earliest animals that were indigenous to the island and enjoyed its primordial ooze included the common-or-garden amoeba, the coelacanth and the sheep. Later, it is believed that a bunch of dinosaurs moved to Ireland from northern France. This group included a Tyrannosaurus rex, two Diplodocuses, a Paddyosaurus and a Mickosaurus. (Note: the last two mentioned may have been made up in the twelfth century by mischievous Irish palaeontologists, many of whom were notorious pranksters.) These first dinosaurs are believed to have only stayed in Ireland for about two weeks as, even though they were notoriously cold-blooded, the climate just didn't do it for them; either that or they only came on a two-week holiday in the first place. Some of their hardier cousins did come back to live in Ireland later, though they brought lots of warm clothes and umbrellas with them.

Survival of the Irishest

It is not clear how much the later dinosaur arrivals liked their new home as there are very few, if any left to ask these days. They were probably booted out by the notoriously aggressive goats and sheep living on the island (or were wiped out by a very large asteroid about 66 million years ago). This meant that other animals thrived as they didn't get eaten by dinosaurs, though the Irish duck-billed platypus who, by all accounts, wasn't particularly tasty, probably would have survived either way.

The animals that did well included goats, squirrels, wolfhounds, koalas, wombats, kangaroos and, of course, snakes. Most of these have survived to this day and still roam the countryside as if they own it, though Irish people are quick to point out that these animals have no legal claim on ownership of the land. Some of the animals above were deported to Australia, while the last-mentioned ones disappeared on a particularly dark day in the fifth century, which snakes still refer to as The Saint Patrick's Day Massacre.

Prehistoric Ireland had a hard time even attracting tourists.

Wild, Wet and Wetter

Apart from the odd bit of rubbish that people on passing ships would toss overboard, Ireland was mainly covered in trees, rocks, grass and sheep. These all contributed towards making the island an unattractive proposition for human habitation. In time, however, Irish people learned to coexist peacefully with the trees, rocks and grass, though there are still some issues with the sheep. To this day, many have refused to vacate some of the higher, rockier and less habitable parts of the country, though negotiations with the state are ongoing.

The only other thing that was happy to live in Ireland before humans arrived was rain, which loved nothing more than falling all over the country for days - and often centuries - on end. Meteorological historians have actually found evidence that it poured every single day from 40 million BCE to 20 million BCE. Historians call this part of the country's history the Wet Ages, though most other parts of the island's history could also be described as the Wet Ages, except for medieval times, which are known as the Dark Wet Ages.

Stranded Destiny

In many ways, the most attractive quality the island of Ireland had back in the day was that it was uninhabitable. If it had been particularly habitable, it must be presumed that people would already have been living there. However, Ireland's destiny was about to change when, one fateful day, a ship with a precious human cargo sailed into one of Ireland's 'black pools' (or 'dubh linn' in Irish, if there had been any Irish at the time). Were some 'foreigners' unwittingly about to become Irish? Only history would tell.

Not Quite the Promised Land

Before the Irish inhabited Ireland, many Europeans were curious about the island, with some southern Europeans even using it as a potential holiday destination. They thought it would provide the chance to get away from the relentless sunshine and unending good weather they had to endure from April to September each year. However, very few actually thought it would be a good idea to live there.

Interestingly, the Bible contains the first ever reference in a historical document to Ireland. The Book of Genesis describes how Noah saved remnants of all the creatures of Earth from the flood, including, for some unfathomable reason, hippos, black widow spiders and gnats. It is written that God then centred the rising water in and around 'Irelandius', as it was a logical spot to have a flood.

Ireland is also believed to be the first land that Noah and his family spotted after sailing around for more than 150 days in the lashing rain, though this was just a drop in the ocean as far as Ireland was concerned. However, after taking a good look at the island from their ark and even letting some llamas off in The Barren (now The Burren) in Co. Clare, they decided it 'was land, but just not the right kind of land'. It was another seven years before the Ark came close to land again, though it is not recorded in the Bible if Noah regretted his decision not to begin his repopulation plans in the west of Ireland. If he had, the Irish might have been the Chosen Ones and Jesus Christ might eventually have been born in or near Roscommon.

Top Five

Non-Human Life Forms that Ruled Ireland

The history of any country often concentrates on the achievements - or lack thereof - of its human inhabitants, but it is crucial not to forget the contributions of the various other animals which have called a place home and often for a lot longer than any people could.

1) Pterodactyls: These giant dinosaur birds are said to have enjoyed living on Ireland's highest points, or basically anywhere above the clouds. They enjoyed eating goats, spinach, penguins and bananas, though the latter were in very short supply in Ireland at the time. Most pterodactyls emigrated before the hunter-gatherers arrived from Europe or else died from a fatal and demoralising lack of bananas.

2) Penguins: For some bizarre reason, penguins originally lived in and around the Mediterranean Sea. However, the warm climate, the German tourists and the over-dependence on olive oil didn't suit them, so they went to live on the island of Ireland, which was called Hibernia or 'the land of eternal winter'. When they got there, they were threatened by the pterodactyls and decided to move to the South Pole.

3) Goats: For millions of years before the arrival of the first human settlers, a battle for supremacy raged on the island of Ireland between goats and sheep on one side and dinosaurs and snakes on the other. The details of what happened aren't clear, but the goats and sheep eventually won out. Unfortunately, this then led to the Great Ovine-Caprine Wars of the Neolithic Age, the scars of which are still carried by Irish goats and sheep to this very day. The goats still celebrate this every year at the Puck Fair in Killorglin, when one of them dresses up like a king and orders all nearby humans to kneel down and worship him.

4) Hermits: There is some evidence that before Ireland was inhabited, some very, very holy men - who strictly speaking were human -...