CHAPTER 3
Emotional Intelligence

DALTON DRIVES INTO San Jose to meet with Stanton Electronics chief financial officer Brad Lester, a long-term friend and client. Dalton has his kids fly up and spend the weekend with Brad and his kids. Dalton takes in Dax's soccer game; Dax is Brad's eight-year-old and Brad is a vocal fan and demanding parent involved with the team. After the game, Dalton and Brad talk about Brad's impact on his son and how he can be intimidating in certain situations without realizing it. The conversation dovetails into the importance of empathy and how to use it effectively to build relationships and relate to people.

PEOPLE-CENTRIC SKILLS IN THIS CHAPTER

• Emotional intelligence and why it is one of the most important skills of successful leaders
• Understanding emotions and how to manage them in the workplace
• Being self-aware and the importance of self-awareness in all situations
• The importance of empathy and the art of being truly emphatic

KEY WORDS

• Emotional Intelligence
• Motivation
• Self-Reflection
• Self-Awareness

There's nothing like a late October Sunday morning-mid-50s, sunny, light breeze. Perfect weather for fútbol. Yes, perfect soccer weather. Caleb and Liora flew up Thursday night and Dalton and the kids spent Friday touring San Francisco and spent the weekend with Brad Lester. At the beginning of his career, Dalton worked for Brad at Arthur Andersen. Dalton always viewed Brad as a mentor. When Dalton started up his own business more than 10 years ago, he reached out to his circle of contacts and reconnected with Brad. Brad was the first person to use Dalton's organization for one very simple reason: he trusted Dalton. They had always had a strong relationship. When Brad went through some personal turmoil, Dalton was there for him. Both men were in good places, so this weekend was all about catching up and enjoying each other's company. Caleb's travel soccer team had a bye week so it was a perfect time to take a trip. Friday night had been perfect and everyone was up and out early to attend Dax's soccer game. Dax was eight and a pretty talented soccer player (from what Brad tells everyone).

One thing both families had in common is a strong affinity for soccer. Dalton played at a very competitive level as a kid and Brad played Division I soccer in college. Dalton pushed Caleb to soccer because of his size. Dalton, a stout six feet two inches, did not pass on his height to his son. Caleb was short, bordering on stocky, but the kid had great quickness and smarts and knew how to use the size he had. Dalton was always a physical athlete and that seemed to rub off on Caleb, who was a natural, picking up any sport quickly. He selected soccer and basketball as his focus. He joined a travel soccer team and has excelled and continued to grow. He is the team captain and center back; his coach does not take him off the field.

Dax seemed to be on a very similar progression to Caleb. This was his first year on a club soccer team. Brad coached him his first few years (and did not seem to want to give it up) but moved him to a club team once his skill level advanced. This was his first season with FC Strike and he was having a good year so far. He was the center midfielder, one of the key positions to overall team success. This morning, Strike was up against one of the better teams in the league, FC Bollingwood, sponsored by one of Great Britain's better professional teams.

The game was a tight one that Dalton and his kids enjoyed greatly. Even Liora-a pretty good goalie at one time although she did not play anymore-enjoyed watching the game (it was difficult to keep her attention on anything related to sports). With the game tied 1-1 at halftime, Brad was slowly but surely becoming more vocal. When Brad became stressed, he showed physical signs of being under pressure. He seemed to stress out more over Dax's soccer games than anything else. He did not live vicariously through his son, but he wanted him to be successful and put in maximum effort at all times. Dax was playing well but definitely not having his best game. He seemed bored or distracted. In fact, in the second half, Brad's cheering became more destructive and negative. The more he screamed, the less effort Dax seemed to give. The boys ended up losing 4-1.

FC Strikes' coach appeared upbeat about the loss and seemed to keep a positive message. Brad, on the other hand, was the opposite. He lost it with Dax; he did not necessarily yell but continued to question how hard Dax had played and why he didn't do this or that. Brad's wife, Candace, was irate with Brad, to the point that they had it out when they got home. Liora and Caleb took Dax to the loft in Brad's house to play video games until lunch and Dalton worked on calming Brad, and now Candace, down.

As they spent the afternoon relaxing and preparing dinner, they finally sat down to chat. After setting up drinks for everyone (Dalton with the standard vodka soda, Brad with the Scotch and soda, and Candace with a margarita on the rocks), they started to discuss this afternoon's game.

They went back through some of the handouts that Dalton had introduced Brad and his team to a few years back and reviewed them in detail. Dalton wanted to discuss emotional intelligence-not so casually-and how they were applying it with Brad's team. But he wanted to make sure he saw the parallels to Brad and Dax.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills demonstrating the ability of an individual to recognize their behaviors, moods, and impulses, and to manage them best according to each unique situation.

Understanding the causes of emotions and how to use them to your advantage can help you to effectively identify who you are and how you interact best with others.

EQ Self-Appraisal

• Self-Management: Control of emotions, impulses, and adapting to changing circumstances
• Self-Awareness: Awareness of one's emotions and recognizing their impact while using intuition to guide decisions
• Empathy: Ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks
• Self-Motivation: Staying focused in all critical situations; minimal dependency on others to motivate

Brad mentioned that he had been relatively successful applying this with his team. "We had every team member complete your EQ self-assessment and discuss some of their strengths and weaknesses. We spent three to six months applying the skills we identified were lacking." (See the appendix for the Emotional Intelligence Self-Assessment.)

Self-Management

• Consistency: Stability/consistency is key to self-management. Constantly changing can cause others to question your beliefs and what you stand for and can also cause you to become confused about what you truly believe.
• Stick to the plan: Do it right and in a timely way. Plans are made for a reason. Stick to them but be flexible as necessary. The goal is set; it must be met.
• Be accountable: Things do not always work out as planned. That is normal, probably more normal than when they do work out. You have to be able to admit that and then use your flexibility to get things back on track. Flexibility is key; do not worry about it-move forward.
• Educate yourself: Once we stop learning, we stop living and growth stagnates. Do not let change pass you by; embrace it. Read, read, and read some more. Talk and listen to mentors and peers; look for different perspectives. Once we stop evolving, we will be behind the times.
• Stay mentally and physically fit: This is a very important part of being able to practice the other aspects of self-management. Exercising your body is just as crucial to self-management as exercising your mind. A body that is not well rested, nutritionally fed, or physically exercised can lead to emotional and physical illnesses.

Over the past few years, Brad has consistently improved upon these key points at work. He is anal-retentive and has a plan for everything. He is one of the most intelligent people Dalton knows but is always learning how to get better. Brad even holds himself accountable on everything-a true disciplinarian. He exercises his mind and his body and knows how much each means to his demeanor at the office. In fact, since Dax was born, Brad has even taken Dalton's lead and become a yogi, meditating nightly.

Self-Awareness

• Ability to perceive one's skills and knowledge accurately and realistically
• First step in the process of full acceptance or change
• Without understanding why one thinks or acts the way one does, they will never fully appreciate themselves or see the importance of making changes to improve, if necessary
• Gives power and a sense of peace/happiness

A lack of self-awareness can keep you from realizing your worth in the company or even the quality of the work you perform. This can have a serious impact on your personal and professional life. Not only will you have doubts about yourself, but the people you lead will also begin to question your competence, which could ultimately lead to a lack of leadership effectiveness.

In many...