The Anthology of Irish Folk Tales: Volume II

ANTRIM

BILLY TEARE & KATHLEEN O'SULLIVAN

MARTHA CLARK AND JOHNNY BRADY

No one remembers when 'once' was, or precisely what time it was upon, but that is when this all started, one person telling the next person, telling the next and so on, year in, year out, and that is enough to let you know that what happened was a brave time ago - upon someone's time.

There was a neat wee woman called Martha Clark and she lived in a neat wee porter lodge at the foot of the Lady Hill, which belonged to a big estate, Redhall. You will maybe know that that's down near Ballycarry.

Martha was not married. She was a shepherdess and she owned a few sheep - twenty in all - and she used to keep the sheep penned out the back of the porter lodge. Now, the thing about Martha was, she was a wee bit deaf.

One morning when she got up and looked out of her window, she saw that every one of the sheep was gone. There was not a sheep to be seen. When she went out, she discovered that the gate had broken, so all the sheep had got out that way. Now, she had a good idea where they had gone to, so she set off, along the Magheramourne road, until she came to the Burnside Loaning. She went along the loaning, passed the oul' wa's, and she saw a man ploughing a field. This man's name was Johnny Brady.

It so happened that Johnny was a wee bit deaf too. It was never known how Martha lost her hearing, but the way Johnny lost his hearing was legendary. It seems at one time he had been one of the best poachers about Ballycarry. He used to do most of his poaching around the lands belonging to Redhall. Redhall was owned at that time by a man called Pottir and he did not like poachers one bit.

Pottir had lookouts and gamekeepers keeping an eye out for poor Johnny day and night, and every time they caught him, they'd take his weapon and rounds and his catch, and they would send him on his way, with a boot up the backside for good luck. It got that bad that Johnny could not afford to buy cartridges, so he started to make his own. In fact, he more or less built his own shotgun too, and it was said that because his gun was crudely made and in those days there was no ear protection, this is what had made him go a bit deaf.

A poacher's day starts early, but Pottir himself would never be up out of his bed until about nine or ten, so he did not often see Johnny. When he did, he did not recognise him, as Johnny would disguise himself as one of the gamekeepers. Johnny took great delight in having sport at the landowner's expense. One morning, he saw Pottir coming towards him. So he broke his gun and hid it down the back of his trousers.

Johnny cupped his ear and Pottir bellowed, 'Well, my man, what are you doing up at this time of the morning?'

Johnny said to Pottir, 'Indeed sir, I was going to ask you the same.'

Pottir answered, 'If it's any of your business, I am out to get an appetite for my breakfast.'

Johnny said, 'Indeed sir, I'm out to get a breakfast for me appetite.' And he sauntered off to do just that, with a smile on his face.

Another morning, a game warden caught Johnny red-handed, poaching trout by the Burnside Burn. He had two trout in a pail. But, he told the warden that the fish were his own pets and he was just letting them have a swim.

'Nonsense!' shouted the game warden.

'It's true,' said Johnny. 'Surely it's not against the law for me to let my pets swim here, is it? You see, I put them in for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me.'

'I've got to see this,' said the game warden.

So Johnny tossed both trout into the river.

'Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your trout to come back to you.'

'Trout?' said Johnny, once he'd got rid of the evidence. 'What trout?' And he took off like a hare, leaving the game warden on his knees, staring into the river.

Johnny had great craic at the expense of the keepers of the game. One morning, when he had bagged himself a brace of pheasant (that's two), he ran straight into a warden. The warden asked, 'You, my man, have you got pheasant in that bag?'

'I have,' says Johnny, 'and if you can tell me how many I have, I'll let you have them both.'

Too silly to heed the broad hint, and after much brow furrowing, the warden guessed, 'Three?'

'No, just the one,' said Johnny, and continued on his way.

It was later, on that very same morning, that Martha Clark saw Johnny ploughing and asked, 'Johnny, have you seen my sheep?'

Johnny did not catch what she had said. He thought she was asking him what he was doing, so he just pointed at the furrow the plough was making. Martha looked at where Johnny was pointing and assumed he was telling her where her sheep had gone. So she said, 'Thanks very much Johnny.' And she climbed over the fence, set off up the field and over a wee hill into a small valley . and there were all her sheep. Martha counted them: two, four, six, eight . the whole lot, all twenty of them, were there, but one wee lamb had a broken leg.

She said, 'Oh, you poor wee cratur you.' She gathered the lamb in her arms, cradled it, and carried it back down the field. Of course, all the sheep knew her well and followed after her. So when they got back down to where Johnny was standing, Martha was thinking to herself, 'it was awful kind of Johnny to tell me where me sheep went, so I think I'll give him this wee lamb as a present. It's got a broken leg, but he could fix it up with a splint.'

She said, 'Johnny, I'm going to give you this wee lamb as a gift.'

Of course, Johnny did not hear what she had said. All he saw was, there stood Martha, with a lamb cradled in her arms, and the lamb had a broken leg. He thought that she was accusing him of breaking the lamb's leg.

Johnny said, 'That's absolutely nothing to do with me. I never broke that lamb's leg. Go on, take it away out of here.'

Martha could see Johnny was not best pleased, but because she did not hear what he said, she thought he was cross and saying that he did not want the lamb, but he wanted one of the bigger sheep. She said, 'Indeed you are not having one of the bigger sheep; you'll take this wee lamb, or nothing at all.'

Johnny insisted, 'I had nothing to do with breaking that lamb's leg, you can clear off. Take it away out of here.'

And they started to bicker, neither hearing what the other was saying. A whole row started, and the noise of the two of them shouting and bellowing at each other eventually attracted the neighbours, who came out and gathered around to see what was going on.

It wasn't long before the local peeler came up from Whitehead on his pushbike. When he heard the row, he got off his bike. 'What's going on here?' he asked, making his way through the crowd to where Johnny and Martha stood yelling and gurning and ranting at each other. 'Look,' the policeman said, 'if you don't stop this rowing right away, I'll take the both of you into custody and you'll be up before the judge in the morning and you'll be done for breach of the peace.'

But of course Johnny and Martha never heard a thing he said, and carried on exchanging insults. So he arrested the pair of them and took them both down to the police station in Larne. Martha carried her wee lamb with her.

The next morning, they were up before the judge. At that time, it was a judge called Jackson. He was known to the criminal fraternity of Larne as Santa Claus Jackson, because he was full of good will and always saw the best in people. But, in the strangest turn of fate, Judge Jackson, the wise, learned, always lenient man, was also just a wee bit deaf. Not only a wee bit deaf, but a bit short-sighted as well. It did not matter what was presented in court, he just judged the case on the facts, as he thought best.

This morning, Judge Jackson had Johnny and Martha, with the lamb cradled in her arms, standing before him. Each of them was explaining to him their side of events. He did not hear a word of it. What he saw in front of him was a man and a woman, and the woman was holding, in her arms, what looked to him like a baby. He got it into his head that this must be a couple looking for a divorce. Eventually he said, 'Tell me this, how many years have you been married?'

Martha did not hear what he'd said properly and just caught the words 'how many'. She thought the judge was asking how many sheep she owned and answered, 'Twenty your honour.'

'You mean to tell me,' said Jackson, 'you've been married twenty years and now you have this beautiful little child, and you are up before me looking for a divorce? Go home the two of you and live together in peace and harmony.' With that he got up and left the court, leaving Johnny and Martha without a clue what was going on.

Martha asked the policeman, 'What was it he said?'

The policeman shouted into her ear, 'He says you've to go home and live together in peace and harmony.'

Martha said, 'But we're not married.'

The policeman yelled again, 'Well you'd best go and do something about that.'

And that's how...