CHAPTER 2
Situation: Comical
Let's talk about sitcoms, shall we? When I first landed in Hollywood, I had the same thoughts that a lot of TV viewers have: why are there so many bad sitcoms on the air? Obviously, there's great ones, too, but I never could understand why so many seemed to be mediocre, at best. But once I got hired on my first sitcom, I began to understand the problem. The process itself is far more complicated than people realize, and also far more than is necessary, in my opinion. There's a lot of moving parts involved. As in any industry, the more people who have to "sign off" on things, the more products become diluted. Unsurprisingly, in Hollywood, there's no shortage of folks who feel compelled to weigh in on matters that they really don't understand. At best it's a nuisance, and at worst, it's fatal to the creativity of the project. And the source of most of these ruinous daggers is the phenomenon known as "executive notes."
Let me say right here, there are some great studio and network executives, whose input makes the shows better. I'm always delighted to receive any feedback that actually improves what us creatives are trying to do. In fact, the first executive I had experience with was Carolyn Strauss at HBO. She was secure enough to trust the writers' expertise on, you know, writing, and when she had a suggestion or comment, it was always helpful. Naively, this experience on my very first television show led me to the faulty assumption that all network execs would operate this way. Largely laissez-faire, and only weighing in when necessary. In fact, I couldn't understand why so many of the more experienced writers and producers I met seemed so disdainful of the execs. But once I started writing on sitcoms, I finally understood where the contempt was coming from.
How do these people even obtain their jobs in the first place? Well, often there's some nepotism involved. And we're often talking about someone who is fresh out of college, where they took a screenwriting class for one semester-and probably didn't get a very good grade- and now they're sporting their very first adult clothing, and are in the position of "covering" a show for their big bosses at the network.
As Kevin Rooney once acidly commented about these folks, "Weren't you like, getting donuts for everyone a couple months ago? And now you're running around like you're Faulkner or Hemmingway, telling experienced writers how to do their jobs?" Yes, Kevin. It's exactly what they're doing.
Sadly, most of these people don't understand the intricacies of the creative process, such as, when you make a change in Act One of a script, it has repercussions that ripple through Acts Two and Three. In a half hour or hour-long story, nothing occurs in a vacuum. I've seen execs pull at threads over and over, then be genuinely perplexed when the entire story unravels. I've always joked about clueless executives giving notes on the New Testament: "Why does Jesus have to wait three days to rise? Can't He just do it in one or two days, and we can save money on renting the tomb? Change that!"
I don't say all this with a sense of superiority. I just believe in allowing the people you hire to do specific things to actually do those things, without meddling. For instance, I know nothing about how car engines work. And that's why I take my car to an expert, who does know about these things. And I trust them to do what they think is best, and I check on the results. If there's still a problem with my car, I'll communicate with them and try to see why there's still an issue. What I don't do is stand behind the mechanic while they're working and make suggestions about what they're doing, while they're doing it. Wouldn't make sense, right?
And yet, so many executives feel they are writers themselves (which makes you wonder, then why don't you write, instead of merely criticizing others? Probably because you can't write.) I can't repair a car, or do plumbing, or lots of other things that I hire experts to do. And unlike some of these executives, I'm really quite comfortable admitting that I don't know how to do some things.
To emphasize again, unless someone is a complete egotist, helpful notes and comments are always welcome. We're all shooting for the same goal here, aren't we? That is, to make the project as good as it can be. Or at least, that should be our goal. But as we know from our childhoods on, not everyone plays well with others.
Having spoken with people in many different lines of work, I've come to realize that for whatever reason, writing is often seen as something that most everyone feels they can do, if they "put the time in." I have a friend who hires writers and animators for a major cybersecurity firm. He has said to me many times, in frustration, "When I post a job looking for an animator, there is usually only a small number of people who apply, because they have to have portfolios showing actual animation work they've done. But anytime I post looking for technical writers, I get thousands of applications, most of which have no real writing samples to offer. It's as if anyone who has ever written a blog, or sent an email, or a text, considers themselves a writer. It's frustrating to have to wade through all that."
Another friend of mine, a medical doctor, is married to a writer. One day he remarked to me that in general, people seemed to dismiss what his wife did, even though it took time and effort and talent. When I asked him what he thinks is the reason for that, he shrugged and said basically what my other friend had said: "Most people think they can write, and that it's not much of a 'real' skill."
Now, I'm not sure if it's really most people, but I do think many people feel that way. Listen, I don't want to discourage someone who might be a tremendous writer or comic or artist or singer or whatever, but just either hasn't taken their shot, or has never gotten a fair chance. Every year, I'm sent scripts from the latest sitcoms that have been greenlighted for production. And every year, many, if not most, of those scripts aren't nearly as good as ones that writer friends have created and sent me, seeking my opinion. My friends' scripts are often far superior, but because they don't have a particular actor attached, or a director everyone wants, or the latest online "influencer," the scripts aren't picked up by a network. Indeed, this has also happened with some of my own scripts that I felt were pretty good. None of us are immune to it.
There's no doubt there's an element of luck involved in all of it. Hey, life isn't a meritocracy, so it's truly absurd to think that the entertainment business would somehow be an exception.
I still vividly remember when my manager called me in my Vegas hotel room to tell me a network had passed on a series I'd pitched. The reason they gave? "Not original enough." I was flabbergasted. Please, tell me it sucks. Or you don't get it. Or it's too weird. Or too expensive. But please don't tell me, as I sit in front of a TV set currently airing no less than three syndicated "Judge" shows at the same time, that my idea "wasn't original enough!" There was, and still is, nothing on television like that "unoriginal" idea I'd pitched. And hey, maybe there's a good reason for that. But the "not original" critique was absurd. Yet the only thing surprising about hearing a ridiculous comment from an exec was that I somehow was surprised to hear a ridiculous comment from an exec. You'd think I'd be used to all this by now. Here's a fun sample of actual dialogue that occurred once between me and a studio executive:
Him: "I always describe your humor as 'clever.' "
Me: "Thanks!
Him: "People don't want 'clever'."
(UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE, THEN:)
Me: "Um, thanks again."
Yet, I continue to be surprised by these things. That's truly on me.
I will always lament the fact that someone like say, Aimee Mann, whom I consider one of the greatest lyricists and songwriters ever, will never be as widely known as any of the Kardashians. That said, I'd much rather be her than them. She has a nice level of success, devoted fans, and her own artistic integrity. It's all any of us could ever shoot for in this business.
One last observation regarding all this. A few years ago, the brilliant screenwriter Aaron Sorkin gave an interview in which he basically said, just because someone calls themselves a writer, doesn't make them one, and that there's a reason people make a living screenwriting: they actually know how to do it. Somewhat understandably, his words created a pretty negative buzz from the general populace. It sounded dismissive, and elitist, and perhaps it was. But lots of professional writers were quietly happy he'd said it out loud.
I would never condescend to those who are working hard, writing great stuff, and just haven't gotten a break or two yet. But it's also important not to diminish those who have put in the blood, sweat, and keystrokes to do it for a living at the...
