Robin Hood and the Christmas Heist

ACT ONE

Scene One

Sherwood Forest. Winter. A cold place. Frost on the ground, snow on the branches. We're in a clearing of some sort. A small CHILD enters, gradually followed by various other CHILDREN/TEENS. At the younger end we have NUTMEG, CLOVE, BERRY and SPROUT. Older children/teens PEAR, PLUM, PARSNIP and PARTRIDGE. They start to set up camp. They also bring with them paper lanterns in the shapes of houses/other bits and pieces, which they'll spread out across the floor to make a sort of model village - all very natural/ homespun, bits of twig and feather, spare buttons, scraps of fabric, somehow beautiful. There is a sense of industriousness to this too - they're making gifts for loved ones, applying finishing touches.

MUCH, a balladeer, is also with them. They start to play, and one CHILD starts to sing, gradually joined by the others.

Song: 'In the Bleak'

MUCH/CHILDREN.

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

FROSTY WIND MADE MOAN

EARTH STOOD HARD AS IRON

WATER LIKE A STONE

SNOW HAD FALLEN SNOW ON SNOW

SNOW ON SNOW

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

LONG AGO

The tune changes - something more rousing/defiant. MARIAN and LITTLE JOHN now also join the children.

COMPANY.

KEEP ON TRUDGING THE SNOW DOWN

KEEP ON STANDING STRONG

KEEP SOME FIRE IN YOUR BELLY

AND IF IT HELPS, A SONG

IN THE WINTER LONG AGO

MARIAN breaks off from the group. She sings as an aside - a private moment of worry.

MARIAN.

LONG AGO THE WORLD SEEMED WARMER

LONG AGO THE WORLD SEEMED KIND

LONG AGO I FELT MUCH BRAVER

SOMEWHERE I WAS LEFT BEHIND

NOWADAYS THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

SEEMS TO LAST THE WHOLE YEAR ROUND

STOKE A FIRE, LIGHT A CANDLE

DRAW A BREATH AND STAND YOUR GROUND

The rest of the COMPANY join in again.

COMPANY.

AND IF YOU WANT TO DO SOME GOOD

THEY DRIVE YOU OUT INTO THE WOOD

SO HIDE YOUR FACE BENEATH A HOOD

AND STAND YOUR GROUND!

BERRY (to MARIAN). I'm hungry.

MARIAN. I know.

CLOVE. I'm cold.

MARIAN. Take my shawl then. That's beautiful, Nutmeg. Parsnip - can you help him?

LITTLE JOHN pulls MARIAN aside.

LITTLE JOHN. Marian? We're almost out of oats. What's left is starting to turn.

MARIAN. I know, John - I know.

LITTLE JOHN. Even the acorns are going.

MARIAN. We'll find something. Robin will think of -

LITTLE JOHN. Robin?

MARIAN. We always think of something.

LITTLE JOHN. I don't know how much longer we'll last out here. If the weather stays like this -

They're interrupted by the sound of a horn being blown.

PLUM. It's Robin! He's back!

MARIAN (to LITTLE JOHN). You see. We'll get it sorted.

ROBIN enters dramatically, WILL SCARLETT with him. Music swells again.

CHILDREN.

KEEP ON TRUDGING THE SNOW DOWN

KEEP ON STANDING TALL

KEEP SOME COURAGE INSIDE YOU

AND IF YOU'RE FEELING SMALL

KNOW WE ALL WERE LONG AGO

ROBIN also sings an aside.

ROBIN.

LONG AGO THE WORLD SEEMED BRIGHTER

LONG AGO THE WORLD HAD CHEER

NEVER MEANT TO BE A FIGHTER

NEVER MEANT TO END UP HERE

SO WE FACE ANOTHER WINTER

SOMEHOW BLEAKER THAN BEFORE

SOMEHOW NEEDED MORE THAN EVER

SOMEHOW ALWAYS NEEDING MORE

COMPANY.

AND WHEN YOU TRY TO DO SOME GOOD

THEY DRIVE YOU OUT INTO THE WOOD

SO HIDE YOUR FACE BENEATH A HOOD

AND GO TO WAR!

KEEP ON TRUDGING THE SNOW DOWN

KEEP ON STANDING PROUD

KEEP SOME HOPE FOR THE SUMMER

AND RAISE YOUR VOICE OUT LOUD!

KEEP ON TRUDGING THE SNOW DOWN

KEEP ON STANDING STRONG

KEEP SOME FIRE IN YOUR BELLY

AND IF IT HELPS, A SONG

IN THE WINTER LONG AGO

Song ends.

LITTLE JOHN. Robin, can I have a word?

ROBIN. Can't stop - got to get back to the hunt. Who's coming with me?

PARSNIP. I will.

PARTRIDGE. Me too.

LITTLE JOHN. You've not caught anything yet then?

ROBIN. No, but I have faith.

MARIAN. I'll fetch my bow.

ROBIN. No, someone needs to stay with the little ones.

SPROUT. I'm not a baby.

MARIAN. And I'm not a babysitter.

ROBIN. We won't be long. But we need to go now, while there's still some light.

MARIAN (sighs - biting her tongue). Fine. I'll. keep the fire going, I suppose.

CLOVE (to ROBIN). What will you hunt?

ROBIN. Hare, maybe. A pheasant if we're lucky.

PLUM. A duck?

PEAR. A goose?

PLUM. A wild boar?

PEAR. A trifle?

PLUM. You can't hunt trifle, stupid.

PEAR. Can't you?

PLUM. No, you only get them in summer.

ROBIN. We're going to do our best, I promise you that. Come on.

ROBIN, PARSNIP and PARTRIDGE go. MUCH might underscore the following.

BERRY (to MARIAN). Tell us again about the feast at the castle.

MARIAN. Ah yes, the Feast of Fools.

MUCH. Everyone in the parish gets invited - they'll come from miles around.

SCARLETT. What if we didn't go?

PEAR. Why wouldn't we go?

SCARLETT. What if we went to protest it instead?

MARIAN. Then you wouldn't get any dinner.

SCARLETT. You know why they do it - why they invite us?

BERRY. Because it's Christmas?

SCARLETT. Because it's a bribe. Let the peasants inside the castle one day a year so we don't storm it the other three hundred and sixty-four. (To MARIAN.) Am I wrong?

MARIAN. You can stay here, if you'd prefer to.

SCARLETT. Is that it?

MARIAN. It's a free meal. No one should feel guilty about taking food when they're hungry.

SCARLETT is unimpressed by this answer but doesn't push it.

SPROUT. What will they give us?

MUCH. Oh, mutton, beef, turkey, chicken, pheasant, grouse -

PLUM. Swan.

CLOVE. Really?

PLUM. Yeah. A whole swan on a stick each, that's what I heard.

PEAR. Last year there was even leftovers.

NUTMEG. What's leftovers?

PEAR. It's when you have so much food you can't even finish it all at once.

CLOVE. Marian! Pear's making things up again.

MARIAN. You'll be well fed. That's all that matters.

COMPANY.

WHAT CAN I GIVE HIM?

POOR AS I AM

IF I WERE A SHEPHERD

I WOULD BRING A LAMB

IF I WERE A WISE MAN

I WOULD DO MY PART

BUT WHAT I CAN I GIVE HIM

GIVE HIM MY -

They are cut off by the arrival of THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM, and four of his guards/goons, SAGE, ONION, EGG and NOG. None of them are particularly bright.

SHERIFF. Halt!

Everyone else freezes.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

SAGE (sincerely answering). Children.

SHERIFF. Yes.

ONION. And an old woman.

SHERIFF. Yes, that's -

EGG. And some sticks.

SHERIFF. Yes, yes, thank you. It was rhetorical.

EGG. Some rhetorical sticks.

SHERIFF. No, that's -

NOG. Well, well, well, if it isn't a bunch of rhetoricals.

SHERIFF. Quiet! (To MARIAN.) Now, madam, would you kindly state your business here?

MARIAN. And what business is that of yours?

SHERIFF. Forgive me. My name is Nicholas Delancy, newly appointed Sheriff of Nottingham - of which these woods - Sher-wood, the Sheriff's Woods, in their old parlance - fall under my jurisdiction. So, I ask again, what brings you here?

LITTLE JOHN. These woods are free land.

SHERIFF. No, they belong to King and Crown, and I am now their trusted warden. Answer.

MARIAN. We mean no trouble, sir. I'm merely keeping these children entertained.

ONION. Smells funny to me.

SCARLETT. That'll just be your breath.

ONION. Oi - that's assault - that's verbal assault - I'll have you for that.

SCARLETT. Just try it.

MARIAN. Everyone stay calm.

SHERIFF. What is all this? What are you making?

NUTMEG. Ooh - I'm doing a birdhouse -

SPROUT, the smallest child, holds up a small pinecone covered in glitter - clearly very innocuous.

SPROUT. This one's for my mum. It's -

EGG. A weapon! It's got a...