RACECARD
Before You Begin 7
Chapter 1 Owners 9-22
In which Lord Lade has his teeth filed, Joe thrives on mincemeat, Prince Khalid chooses his curtains, the Duke of Devonshire promises straw and Death stretches out its hand.
Chapter 2 Jockeys 23-39
In which Liam bares his teeth, Lester licks ice cream and prefers a cheque, Frank goes legless, Seb takes his boots off, Christopher does what he shouldn't, Frankie chews gum and Fred's life ends sadly.
Chapter 3 Horses I Pre-Mortem 40-55
In which gypsies sell a bargain, a shoe goes missing, Kazuhiro Kamiya wields a magnifying glass, In The Money's hairs are put in a black box, Mill Reef overcomes a bag of marbles and horses have their vision adjusted.
Chapter 4 Horses II Post-Mortem 56-68
In which Eclipse has seven feet, St Simon sheds his skin, Arkle is worshipped and Phar Lap lives again.
Chapter 5 Art, Literature, Cinema And Photography I 69-84
In which Charles Dickens gets in a dreadful state, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush's watch stops, Walter Matthau does his best, George casts a benevolent eye, Fred Astaire wins two dollars, and Lord Saye and Sele goes bad.
Chapter 6 Art, Literature, Cinema And Photography II 85-99
In which Eadweard commits murder, Ernest takes a lobster to Australia, Walter Harding hates librarians, and the King of Clubs joins the board.
Chapter 7 From Start To Finish 100-114
In which Captain Brown grapples with knicker elastic, an umbrella is found guilty of race-fixing, Jane feels ghastly, jockeys get their sums wrong, metres almost arrive and Kodiac loses weight.
Chapter 8 Racecourses and Racing I 115-126
In which a little bit of Gertrude is forever America, Linda poses on PEN15, Colin goes Full Circle, Ludlow's lavatories excel, people go mad at Killarney and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra strikes up.
Chapter 9 Racecourses And Racing II 127-138
In which John draws some maps, Harry hands Chris an envelope, Camilla meets her husband, Emily becomes a martyr and racing goes all-weather.
Chapter 10 Officialdom 139-150
In which Admiral Rous condemns twaddle, a spade is called something else, Alec can't tell the time and it's time for chips.
Chapter 11 Prizes 151-161
In which the Countess graces the whip, the Ascot Gold Cup goes overboard, sausages are prized and Gareth opens a box.
Chatper 12 Trainers And Staff 162-173
In which Alan pays his bills, Henry smells the roses, Jack shows off his shirt, Harry shakes his rattle and Mars bars are De Rigueur.
Chapter 13 Journalists, Presenters And Newspapers 174-182
In which Judge Lewzey intervenes, a hat is doffed and the Queen Mother reveals her breakfast reading.
Chapter 14 Tipping, Information And Betting 183-213
In which Groucho Marx meets Prince Monolulu, Elis makes mischief, Lord George wins a lot of money, Phil loses his teeth, Timeform squiggles, Agnes does her ironing, Sam signs a cheque, the Butterfly flies off, Benny O'Hanlon makes a phone call and James loses his bottom.
Chapter 15 Bookmakers, Punters And Betting Shops 214-229
In which the 1986 Revolution arrives, pens are pocketed, Gary wishes he was in Worcester, Mr Saucy Squirrel meets a minister and Churchill views stunted tyrants.
Chapter 16 Skulduggery 230-247
In which Peter behaves badly, Ile De Chypre gets a hornet in his ear, Emrys Bloomfield climbs a pole and Darby becomes the Emperor.
After You Finish 248
Acknowledgements 249
