
Shame Factor
Heal Your Deepest Fears and Set Yourself Free
Stephan B. Poulter(Autor*in)
Prometheus Books (Verlag)
Erschienen am 25. Juni 2019
400 Seiten
978-1-63388-523-3 (ISBN)
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Beschreibung
A popular clinical psychologist explores an often misunderstood and unrecognized emotion that's the root cause of many self-defeating and harmful behaviors.Emotional paralysis, a distorted view of self, a feeling of being a fraud, lack of trust in others, fear of criticism resulting in underdeveloped talents, and a chronic sense of being worthless, invisible, or disposable?these are typical symptoms of shame. In this book, psychologist Stephan B. Poulter delves into this "primary emotional wound." Distinguishing it from commonplace guilt over a particular moral failing, he describes this toxic emotion as a pervasive but largely unrecognized "emotional cancer," with the power of undermining many aspects of life.Dr. Poulter guides the reader through exercises that teach one to expose this "big secret" and to recognize the triggers in daily life that arouse fears and other negative emotions. Beyond these first steps, he shows how we can continue the healing process of self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, empathy, and a new sense of inner well-being.Based on thirty years of experience with patients of all ages and from many walks of life, this is a book full of insight and understanding, one that can help most of us discover and realize our full potentials.
Weitere Details
Sprache
Englisch
Verlagsort
New York
USA
Dateigröße
1,17 MB
ISBN-13
978-1-63388-523-3 (9781633885233)
Copyright in bibliographic data and cover images is held by Nielsen Book Services Limited or by the publishers or by their respective licensors: all rights reserved.
Schweitzer Klassifikation
Weitere Ausgaben
Person
Stephan B. Poulter, Ph.D., is a renowned Los Angeles based clinical psychologist in private practice with over thirty years of experience. Dr. Poulter brings a fresh and original perspective as a former law-enforcement office, seminary graduate, psychologist, father, and author to some of the timeless questions of families, parents, fathers, mothers, marriage/divorce, and emotional shame. He is the author of The Art of Successful Failure, Your Ex-Factor, The Mother Factor, The Father Factor, and Father Your Son.
Inhalt
- THE SHAME FACTOR
- CONTENTS
- Foreword
- Acknowledgments
- Author's Note
- The Preface of Shame: On a Personal Level
- SECTION I: WHAT IS SHAME AND WHY IS IT A PROBLEM?
- Chapter 1: The Shame Factor: What Is It, Doctor? Exposing the Big Secret
- Shame Is Not Guilt
- Working Definition of Shame
- Real Life Victims of Shame
- Five Emotional Elements of Shame
- 1. Shame Is the "Emotional Cancer" of Your Heart and Soul
- 2. The "Big Secret" of Shame
- 3. Shame Is an Inside Job, Not Something Outside of You
- 4. Chronic Fear of Not Feeling "Good Enough"
- 5. Shame's Emotional Super Glue: Addiction Mixed with Shame
- Shame Factor: The Classic Symptoms
- Exposure Is Really Good
- Your Shame Scale and Shame Checklist: What's My Shame Status?
- Your Own Shame Triggers.
- The Cycle of Shame: Anger, Embarrassment, and Self-Loathing
- Shame Cycle #1: No One Is Winning-Anger
- Shame Cycle #2: Embarrassment Has No Limits
- No Lasting Relief
- Shame Cycle #3: Self-Loathing Is an Underestimated Force
- Stopping and Exposing Your Shame Cycle
- Letting Go of Your "Bad" Self
- Emotional Sobriety Exposes Shame
- Keeping Your Emotional Clarity via Personal Boundaries
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 2: Your Early Years and Your Personal Shame Beginnings: Five Common Shaming Parenting Styles
- Family Shame Defined
- Family Shame
- Perfectionism Style of Parenting
- Chaotic Parenting Style
- Single-Parent Style of Parenting
- Explosive Style of Parenting
- Best-Friend Style of Parenting
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 3: How Shame Plays Out for the Sexes: Toxic Male and Female Shame
- Shame Is Emotional Cancer
- John and Road Rage
- Toxic Shame
- Guns, Violence, and Men
- 2017 Las Vegas Concert Shooter: Shame Unleashed
- Evidence of Male Violence
- Other Truths about Suicide
- Self-Loathing, Depression, and Women: It's an Inside Job
- Food for Thought: Shame's Silent Weapon
- Why Did Kate Spade Commit Suicide?
- Closing Thoughts
- SECTION II: SHAME'S SECRET OPERATING SYSTEM IN YOUR LIFE
- Chapter 4: The Daily Functioning of Shame: Seven Common Emotional Cycles
- Mental Illness and Shame
- Shame's Three Closest Friends: Denial, Amnesia, and Avoidance
- Present-Day Story of the Big Three Defenses Working 24/7
- The Seven Classic Triggers of the Shame Cycle
- 1. Fear of Embarrassment: Emotional Paralysis
- 2. Feeling Angry, Invisible, or Worthless: Distorted View of Yourself
- Bar Room Fight
- 3. Imposter Syndrome and Feeling like a Fraud: Fear of Being Revealed as Incompetent
- 4. Feeling Isolated: Fear of Rejection
- My Safe Place
- 5. Suspicious: Untrusting of People and Authority
- Rookie Police Officer
- Fast-Forward Thirty Years
- 6. Fear of Intimacy: Feeling like Damaged Goods, Unlovable
- Dating Sucks: No Good Men or Women to Date in This City
- 7. Fear of Criticism: Inability to Tolerate Feedback, Acting as a People Pleaser
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 5: Where Shame Hides and Terrorizes: Your Money, Your Love Life, Your Family Past and Present, Your Health/Body, and Dying
- Six Areas of Consideration
- 1. Money and Finances: You and Your Money
- Retail Therapy
- 2. Love Relationships and Marriage
- Love Hurts
- 3. Childhood Family
- 4. Your Present-Day Family: You and Your Children
- 5. Your Health and Your Body Image
- Shame, Self-Loathing, and Cutting: A Dangerous Combination
- You Are Your Health
- Brad's Accident
- 6. Loss and Death: The Unspeakable and the Unexpressed
- Childhood Dog
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 6: The Big Cover Up, Super Glue: Addictions and Shame
- Psychology of Addiction
- Emotional Regression
- Some Common Addictions
- Tobacco
- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Gambling
- Food
- Sex
- Video Games
- The Internet and Handheld Devices
- Risky and Reckless Behavior Addiction
- Shopping: Retail Therapy
- Work: Type A and B Personalities
- Your Self-Reporting Shame-Addiction Stress Scale
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 7: Your Personal Brand of Shame: Fear, Avoidance, and Emotional Terrorism
- Fifth Grade Crisis
- Cognitive Dissonance: The First Step
- The Endless Civil War: Your Intellect and Your Heart
- Your New Normal
- Shame's Insidious Resistance to Change at Any Age: Two Stories from the Valley of Despair
- Jon, Age Sixty-Two: "I Am Never Leaving My Patio"
- Lynn, Age Twenty-Nine, Single Female: "I Am Moving Away"
- Exposing Your Hidden Fears, Anxiety, and Terror
- Five Keys to Exposing Your Fear Connection to Shame and Anxiety
- 1. Expanding Your Comfort Zone
- 2. Built-In Fear Limits
- 3. Emotional Terrorism: Relentless Force
- 4. Loss of Control: Change Is in the Air
- 5. Your Full Acceptance
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 8: Shame and Relationships: You, Your Parents, Children, and Lovers-How It's All Related
- Shame's Role in Relationships: The Big Cover-Up
- Codependency Exposed and Defined
- How and Where Did It Start?
- How Codependency Looks and Works at Any Age: Four Scenarios
- Scenario 1: Silent "Abusive" Neglect
- Scenario 2: I Am Embarrassed
- Scenario 3: Never Leave Me
- Scenario 4: I Am a Good Person
- The Game of Tennis: Player 1- Shame/Codependent Relationship Control, Player 2-You
- Emotional Boundaries
- Five Common Relationship Styles and the Shame Factor
- Addictive Relationships
- Noncommittal Distant Relationships
- Placating Relationships
- On-Again, Off-Again Relationships
- Secure Relationships
- Closing Thoughts
- SECTION III: HEALING THE BIG SPLIT IN YOU AND YOUR OTHER SELF
- Chapter 9: No More Secrets: Your Own Healing Exposure Process-Viewing All the Parts of Your Life from 10,2 Feet
- What Are Individuation, Self-Acceptance, and a Core Sense of Self ?
- Definition of Self-Acceptance
- Definition of Separation-Individuation
- Definition of Your Core Self
- Going from the Outside to the Inside of You: Your Journey Within
- Your Five-Step Acceptance Process
- Step #1: Roadblocks within You
- Step #2: No Perfectionism-Life Is Messy
- Step #3: Accepting Change in Your Life-It's Not Personal
- Comfort-Shame Level of the Status Quo
- Step #4: Taking Personal Responsibility for Your Life
- Step #5: The Power of Empathy and Self-Forgiveness
- Writing Your New Self-Accepting Narrative: Six Opportunities
- 1. Money, Finances, Wealth, and Career
- Shaming Money Beliefs
- Self-Acceptance Beliefs
- Your Self-Acceptance Money Script
- 2. Love, Romance, Marriage, and Emotional Intimacy
- Shaming Love and Intimacy Beliefs
- Self-Acceptance Love and Intimacy Beliefs
- Your Love-Relationship Self-Accepting Script
- 3. Childhood Family Issues
- Shaming Family Issues Beliefs
- Self-Accepting Family Beliefs
- Your Self-Accepting Family Script
- 4. Present-Day Family
- Shaming Current Family Beliefs
- Self-Accepting Current Family Beliefs
- Your Personal Self-Accepting Family Script
- 5. Your Health and Your Body Issues
- Shaming Health and Body Beliefs
- Self-Accepting Health and Body Beliefs
- Your Self-Accepting Health and Body Script
- 6. Loss and Death: The Unspeakable and the Unexposed:
- Shaming Loss and Death Beliefs
- Self-Accepting Life Beliefs
- Your Self-Acceptance Life Script
- Closing Thoughts: Happiness and You
- Chapter 10: Rewriting and Rewiring Your Emotional Triggers
- Your Mother Factor, Father Factor, and Shame
- Client Examples of Their Mother Factor Messages
- Ann
- Dave
- Jean, age, fifty-two
- Client Examples of Their Father Factor Messages
- Barry, age thirty-six
- Cindy, age forty-two.
- John, age fifty-six
- Mother Factor and Father Factor Impact and Insights
- Four Cornerstones to Updating and Completing Your Separating-Individuating Process
- 1. Emotional Boundaries: Staying on Your Side of the Court
- 2. Emotional Enmeshment: You Aren't Responsible for Your Parent's or Anyone Else's Life (Everyone Has Personal Responsibility)
- 3. Emotional Sobriety: Responding Rather Than Reacting
- 4. Frustration Tolerance: Understanding, Accepting, and Developing Emotional Maturity
- Healing and Removing Terror from Your Life: Contrasting Shame Triggers with Your Self-Acceptance Responses
- The Seven Shame Triggers and Seven Self-Acceptance Options
- 1. Fear of Embarrassment (Emotional Paralysis)
- Embarrassment Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance, Exposure, and Honesty Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Fear of Embarrassment
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Becoming Empowered Rather Than Embarrassed
- 2. Feeling Angry, Invisible, or Worthless: Distorted View of Yourself
- Anger and Self-Loathing Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance of Anger and Emotions Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Anger, Rage, and Feeling Powerless
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Anger and Abusive Behavior
- 3. Imposter Syndrome: Feeling like a Fraud (Fear of Being Revealed or Exposed)
- Imposter Syndrome Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance Empowering Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Imposter Syndrome and Emotional Terrorism
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Your Imposter Syndrome Fears and Fear of Exposure
- 4. Isolation: Feelings of Rejection, Defectiveness, and Inadequacy
- Fear of Vulnerability, Feeling Defective, and Not Being Good Enough Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance Feeling Competent Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Isolation and Feeling Defective in Relationships
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Shaming Isolation
- 5. Feeling Suspicious: Untrusting of People and Authority
- Dread of Life, Authority, Feeling Small, and Powerless Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance Trusting and Embracing Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Paranoia, Fear of Authority, and Fear of Living
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Having Trusting, Supportive, Caring Relationships
- 6. Fear of Intimacy: Feeling Like Damaged Goods and Unlovable
- Fear of Intimacy Shaming Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance Secure Relationship Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Fear of Intimacy
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about All the Relationships in Your Life
- 7. Fear of Criticism: Placating, People Pleasing, and the Inability to Tolerate Feedback
- Shaming Fear of Being Exposed, Inferior and Inadequate Inner Belief Dialogue
- Self-Acceptance Feedback and Feeling Competent Inner Dialogue
- Your I AM Rebuttal to Criticism and People Pleasing
- Your Self-Accepting Dialogue about Fear of Criticism
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 11: Three Big-Time Changes: Acceptance, Empathy, and Understanding-It's All within You
- Looking Inside for Your Happiness and Healing
- Insight into Your Healing
- Changing of the Guard: Removing Your Psychological, Emotional, and Body Guards
- Action Belief Questions
- Two Stories of Approach, Acceptance, and Engagement: Jon and Lynn
- Jon from Chapter 7: "I Am Never Leaving My Patio"
- Lynn from Chapter 7: "I Am Moving Away"
- Exposing Your Secret: No More Emotional Terrorism
- New Collective Qualities of You
- What Is Exposure?
- What Is Blending?
- What Is Direct Access?
- Closing Thoughts
- Chapter 12: Developing Your Own Eagle Mindset: Your Endless Resource
- The Three Mindsets within Your Emotional Headquarters: Lizard, Owl, and Eagle
- Lizard Mindset
- Owl Mindset
- Eagle Mindset
- Eagle Mindfulness Mindset: Presence of Your Mind
- Full-Capacity Eagle Mindset Benefits
- Your Quick Self-Check Healing Guide
- Further Thoughts
- When and Why Should I Get Professional Support-No Stigma
- Closing Thoughts: My Thoughts for You
- Notes
- Bibliography
- Resource Guide
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