Chapter One: How Our Childhood
Affects Us in Later Life

Early childhood is a time of discovery. Everything around us is new, and each day is full of exploration and learning. It the time that we begin to make sense of the complex world around us.

As children, we absorb information at a particularly rapid rate. At a young age, it is far easier to learn a foreign language, or to play music by ear, for example, as we are so open to taking in new information. But as children, we also absorb beliefs and patterns of behavior that come about as a result of those around us.

Primarily, our beliefs and behaviors are shaped by our connection to our primary caregivers - in most cases, our parents. Our relationship with our mother and father can instill patterns of behavior deep within us that can affect us all through our lives. These behavioral patterns can be either positive or negative.

The concept of attachment theory was introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s. To formulate the theory, Bowlby sought information from a variety of fields such as biology, developmental psychology, cognitive science and evolution to understand the mechanisms behind a child's ties to its mother. 

Secure Attachment

As children, we learn ways of responding to those around us, along with methods of coping and reacting to the situations we find ourselves in. When we are offered love, support, and attention, we will respond positively, forming a secure attachment style. 

As young children, our instinct is to examine and explore the world around us, in order to make discoveries about ourselves, our bodies and the environment we live in. Research has proven that a secure bond to our primary caregiver is crucial for our development. When we have a secure, loving connection to this caregiver, we feel safe going out into the world to explore, knowing that Mom or Dad will always be there to keep us safe. Our primary caregiver becomes our safe haven; someone to whom we can always return to and find comfort.

Having a secure connection with our primary caregiver usually leads to children becoming trusting adults who have no difficulty connecting to others and forming meaningful relationships. If a child feels secure at the age of one or two, they will go on to make friends at kindergarten, then at school, all the way through to college and work. They are optimistic, with a positive self-image. Most children with a secure attachment style go on to have successful adult lives, including happy marriages, strong relationship with their children and a large income. 

Insecure Attachment

But not everyone is lucky enough to have had a strong and loving relationship with their parents. What about those among us who struggled for attention from distant, overworked parents? Or, worse, those who grew up with a caregiver who was physically or emotionally abusive? Sadly, these situations are anything but rare. Let's take a look at how these situations affect us, both as children, and in later life.

If our bond with our caregiver is weak, the thought of venturing out into the world can seem frightening. We do not have the trust that we will have a safe place to return to when our adventures are over, and nor do we trust that Mom or Dad will always be there to protect us. If we are insecurely attached to our primary caregiver as a child, it can lead to trust issues as an adult, along with a lack of social skills and problems forming meaningful relationships. Insecurely attached children often struggle to make friends at an early age, a pattern which can continue throughout their life.

There are three types of insecure attachment styles that can affect us throughout our life. Let's take a look at the causes and characteristics of each:

Anxious Ambivalent Attachment

Let's say we grow up with a single mom who works long hours to make ends meet. While this mom may be loving, as children we focus on the fact that she is not always there for us. We view the relationship as inconsistent and insecure. As a result, we can become clingy, needing to take advantage of our mother's attention when we feel lucky enough to have it. But Mom always has work to do, and even though she might have the best of intentions, she is not able to give us attention as much as we would like.

We come to believe the only way to get her attention is to raise our emotional state, by screaming and throwing tantrums. And when we finally receive that predictable, loving response from Mom we have been seeking, we act ambivalent and detached, disguising our true feelings.

Children who have an anxious ambivalent attachment style often grow up to be unpredictable, moody adults. They struggle with self-esteem issues and often have a less-than-positive image of themselves.

Anxious Avoidant Attachment

Now let's imagine we grow up in a home in which our primary caregiver is a strict father. Dad loves us and wants the best for us, but he believes - perhaps due to his own upbringing - that heavy discipline is the best way to raise a strong and resilient child. When we get too loud, or express to much emotion, Dad gets angry and punishes us. As Dad is frightening when he is angry, we quickly learn not to show our emotions, in order to avoid antagonizing him.

We come to believe that showing our feelings equates to punishment and, consequently, fear. We quickly learn that it is best to keep our feelings hidden deep inside - both in front of Dad and in other situations, such as in the classroom, or among friends. We see this as a way of protecting ourselves from harm.

Children who have an anxious avoidant attachment style will often carry this same belief throughout their life. They find it difficult to express their feelings and often have trouble forming meaningful relationships. This leads to a negative self-view and lack of self-worth.

Anxious Disorganised Attachment

This attachment style differs from the other two insecure attachment styles (and the single secure attachment style) by acting in a chaotic, disorganised manner when faced with distress. 

Let's say we grow up with parents who are distant and self-absorbed. Sometimes they may even be physically abusive. When placed in such a situation as a child, we become anxious to be around the people we rely on for security and care. This inner conflict completely disorganizes our beliefs about love, safety and security. Being in such an environment causes us to feel fear, without any resolution (in the form of a show of love). In response, we seek to avoid all social situations and contact with others. We see this as a way of protecting ourselves from harm. We become withdrawn and are starved of love.

Children with an anxious avoidant attachment style often grow up believing themselves unworthy of love. This, in turn, affects their ability to form relationships, and express themselves effectively. Their self-worth, as a result, is usually extremely low.

Toxic Stress

Our attachment style is formed in the very first years of life, at a time in which we are too young to communicate our anxiety effectively. As a result of this struggle to convey our concerns, we can experience high levels of stress. This stress activates the fight or flight response, which causes our adrenal glands to produce the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase and we become increasingly alert. When the fight or flight response is engaged frequently, it becomes what is known as toxic stress.

As you are most likely aware, stress is one of the major issues in our busy, modem lives. It can lead to all manner of health issues, from heart disease to cancer and everything in between. But toxic stress can have an even more severe effect on children. Increased levels of adrenalin and cortisol can impair a child's brain development and weakens their immune system. Prior to birth, or in the first months of life, toxic stress can go so far as to switch the expressions of our genes, which can cause health problems to appear years, and even decades, later.

The Long-Term Effects of Our Attachment Styles

As you can see from the above examples, our attachment styles have a great effect on us all the way through our lives. But these effects are far from theoretical. In the 1970s, researchers at Minnesota University began a study through which they were able to predict from the age of three whether or not a child would drop out of high school, as based on their attachment style. Their results were proven to have 77% accuracy.

Another study, conducted at Harvard University in the 1950s, asked its undergraduate subjects how close they felt to their parents. Thirty-five years later, these same subjects were surveyed about their health. Ninety-one percent of those who claimed they had a negative or broken relationship with their primary caregiver were suffering from health issues such as heart disease, high blood pressure and alcoholism. Conversely, among subjects with a warm and loving relationship with their parents, only 45% reported suffering from health issues. 

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Although we have the ability, to some degree, to choose who we are and what we want to become, there is no doubt that the experiences of our childhood shape us to an extent. Understanding exactly what our attachment styles are and how...