Chapter 1
Difficult People and Their Difficult Behaviour

Who or what is a difficult person? It's anyone who leaves you feeling upset or let down, frustrated or angry, humiliated or confused, drained or despairing.

A difficult person can be someone who behaves in an exploitative or unethical manner; they may be someone who creates a sense of distrust because they avoid saying what they really think or feel.

A difficult person may be someone who refuses to cooperate with you. They may avoid taking responsibility and duck out of commitments.

A difficult person can also be someone who is negative and critical; they find fault easily without offering any constructive or helpful alternatives.

Whether it's a manager who keeps moving the goalposts, an uncooperative colleague or the difficult-to-please client, your negative friend, sarcastic brother-in-law, critical parent or the infuriating person at a call centre, they all have one thing in common: they can be difficult to deal with.

There are probably times when you wonder how an encounter can go awry so quickly; you start to doubt your own perceptions, feel thrown off balance by the other person and find yourself acting crazy when, actually, you're quite a nice person!

Is it you or is it the other person? It's not always easy to tell if someone is deliberately being difficult or if it's just you who is struggling to deal with that person.

You may have no trouble dealing with a hostile teenager but you have real difficulty with a colleague who finds fault in everything you do. Perhaps you find it easy to accept your sister's negativity (the rest of the family find her draining) but find a friend's inability to be enthusiastic about anything the most challenging.

What is difficult in one context may seem as nothing in another; an uncooperative colleague is a real struggle to deal with in a meeting, but one to one you find it quite easy to negotiate with him or her.

Sometimes, it's not clear what exactly it is you're having to deal with. For instance, although it's not pleasant, when someone is being openly aggressive and hostile, you know just what you're dealing with. Too often, though, someone else's difficult behaviour is difficult to identify; it's hard to nail down what exactly it is they're doing or saying that's so infuriating.

When does someone else's behaviour move from being irritating to infuriating? It can range from mild or transient to difficult behaviour that is significant and persistent.

Difficult behaviour occurs on a continuum. At one end of the scale, difficult behaviour can be overt (hostile and aggressive); at the other end, it can be passive (uninvolved and inactive).

In the middle of this continuum is behaviour in others that can be the most difficult to deal with: passive aggressive. It is covert - dishonest and manipulative.

Let's look at these patterns of behaviour in more detail.

Openly hostile, aggressive behaviour

Aggressive behaviour is the most overt, open type of difficult behaviour. At its most extreme, openly hostile, aggressive behaviour is harsh and forceful. It can be intimidating; when someone is being openly hostile, they may shout, swear and be abusive. They often overreact, even to things that have little or no consequence to them.

An openly hostile person may talk over and interrupt you or oppose you by dismissing your ideas and opinions. They are unable to compromise with you and frequently 'lose it'. He or she usually feels they have to prove things and push a point. They insist they are right. You are wrong. It's a 'my way or no way' approach.

They are domineering and controlling and view the world through a self-centred lens. The more self-centred they are, the more difficult they are. Their steamroller tactics can leave you feeling like you've been flattened!

Why do people behave like this?

When someone is behaving in an aggressive, hostile way, it's because they want to make sure that things happen the way they want them to happen. Sometimes, it's because their expectations have been thwarted and they are trying to claw back some control. Some people respond aggressively if they think they are being undermined or criticized; they may feel ignored, insecure, misunderstood, cheated or put upon. They may be feeling impatient, upset or just plain angry.

Anger and aggression

It's useful to understand the difference between anger and aggression. Anger is an emotional and physiological state; a person can get angry about something but not necessarily respond in an aggressive way. For example, a political situation could make someone so angry that they respond by donating money to support a related cause.

On the other hand, it's possible to be aggressive towards someone - by mugging them, for example - without being angry at that person.

Aggressive behaviour can be instrumental aggression or impulsive aggression.

When someone uses instrumental aggression, they are using their aggression as an instrument. They are using aggression in a calculating way to get what they want.

In contrast, when someone uses impulsive aggression, it's a reaction, a response to something that has happened to them. Impulsive aggression is an automatic response, an emotion-driven reaction. It is aggression stemming from a feeling of anger.

A colleague who criticizes you in front of others is likely using instrumental aggression to obtain promotion at your expense; your wanting to thump him is impulsive aggression!

Disguised hostility: Passive aggressive behaviour

There's no mistaking openly hostile, aggressive behaviour; it's direct and in your face. Disguised hostility and passive aggressive behaviour, on the other hand, is an indirect expression of what a person does and doesn't want.

Passive aggressive behaviour can be one of the most difficult behaviours to deal with because it's expressed in obscure, underhand ways. The person may appear passive on the surface but is really acting out their resistance towards you in an indirect or hidden way.

When someone is behaving with disguised hostility, they don't reveal their true motives and you end up tying yourself in knots trying to work out what's going on. You may find yourself getting upset and angry but can't be entirely sure it is justified.

Rather than saying what they do or don't want, a person who uses disguised hostility puts up a passive resistance to your ideas and opinions, needs and expectations. In order to get their own way, they control situations and manipulate you without actually appearing to.

Passive aggressive verbal behaviour

Typically, when a person is being passive aggressive, they are ambiguous; they give mixed messages and are unclear about what they really mean. They may use sarcasm or veiled hostile joking and teasing, often followed by 'just kidding', and deny there's a problem. If you get upset or offended by what they say, they may accuse you of overreacting.

Rather than say what they feel or think, people who disguise their hostility usually mutter their dissent to themselves or use a non-verbal way of expressing their feelings, for example, by giving you the silent treatment, dirty looks or rolling their eyes.

A passive aggressive person is good at being a victim; unable or unwilling to look at their own part in a situation, they will go silent, sulk and be sullen in order to get attention or sympathy. If they can, they will find a way to blame others, avoid responsibility for their own feelings and emotions, which, in fact, they brought about by their own actions.

Passive aggressive actions and behaviour

When it comes to tasks at home or work, a person using disguised hostility may or may not appear cooperative but, either way, they'll do things to disrupt or sabotage a task, activity or project, often by creating confusion around the issue.

He or she may decline to contribute their ideas, but when your ideas and actions aren't successful they may respond with, 'I knew it wouldn't work.'

In order to resist doing what you ask them to do, these people will stall, turn up late, drag their heels and procrastinate. They will find excuses for delays and reasons for not doing something, invent difficulties or complications or 'forget' about what they were asked to do. They can be deliberately inefficient, doing something badly or leaving it incomplete.

When a person is using disguised hostility in a passive aggressive way, they may or may not be consciously aware of how manipulative and devious they're being. Whatever, you are left feeling confused, upset, offended or frustrated. You may even feel guilty; you think you've done something wrong, but you're not sure what.

Disguised hostility is a form of conflict that doesn't allow either of you to engage sensibly in the issues; it avoids the real issues.

Why do people behave like this?

People usually express their hostility and resentment in underhand ways because, for whatever reason, they feel unable to say directly what they really think, feel or...