Chapter 2

Defining Kink

IN THIS CHAPTER

Exploring kink concepts

Starting your unique kink discovery process

Looking for clues to your kinks

What does it mean to be kinky or to have a kink? By definition, a kink suggests there is a bend in the works, somewhere. When applied to your desire, having a kink means there's likely a twist to your sexuality - that somewhere in there, you want something that is seen as not traditional or customary. You can consider that to be your starting point.

There are seemingly endless variations in the ways kinksters (kinky people) live out their sexualities and their kink expression. In this chapter, we discuss the basics of kink so you can consider how your desires align with or depart from this intense world of intimacy and relationships.

Knowing Anything Can Be a Kink

A kink may be a desire that seems so far-fetched or different that you feel the need to hide, or sugar-coat, or even deny it among people you care about because you are afraid of what they might think. If you're worried you might be stigmatized or shunned at home, at work, or in your friend group because of how you want to connect intimately, it's likely that you have a kink.

But regardless of what others might think:

A kink is a desire or set of activities that have a magnified impact on you emotionally or sexually, propelling you into a heightened state of arousal and vulnerability. People often describe their first encounter with kink desire as overwhelming or consuming.

Beyond this basic idea of a kink as an enthralling quirk in the world of sex and pleasure, how do you distinguish your kinks from your other desires? And why are they so compelling?

Stepping into the kink universe

While many kinks have become widely known in popular culture - such as a desire to be tied up, or an urge to psychologically dominate a partner, others are much more obscure or undiscussed.

The following checklist of some common kinky desires that novices in the kink world might share with each other by way of introduction, or when attempting to discover whether your kinks are compatible.

KINK

DO IT TO ME

I WANT TO DO IT TO YOU

Make me follow your rules

 

 

Gag me

 

 

Yell at me

 

 

Control my orgasms

 

 

Handcuff me or tie me up

 

 

Spank me

 

 

Role-play with me

 

 

Hurt and then comfort me

 

 

Tickle me

 

 

Play my Daddy or Mommy

 

 

Keep me as your puppy or pet

 

 

Call me names, humiliate me

 

 

Worship my feet

 

 

Force me to dress a certain way

 

 

Blindfold me

 

 

It doesn't matter if the compelling desire you've discovered is something other people know or talk about. What matters is that it's meaningful to you and might be something you want to explore with others. Chapter 5 takes you on a much more in-depth discovery process with your kinks.

Distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy desires

Take a breath. If you've been hiding a desire that is on this checklist, or maybe isn't on the checklist, but now feels possible to think about it - you may be activated. This means that your heart might be racing, and you might feel frozen, or a need to flee. Just breathe. It's okay to want what you want.

The good news is, no matter how isolated you feel about your desires, there are people out there who share your kink interests. It's not the content of your kink that determines its value or propriety. It's what it means to you that matters (see Chapter 6).

Consent is the critical hinge that differentiates healthy kinks from problematic or damaging kink practices. For example, consensual pain may be mutually pursued and enjoyed among kink playmates and is the polar opposite of harm. Harm comes from having acts imposed upon you, your agency stolen, and your trust and your body violated.

In Chapter 3, we describe what consent and mutual respect look like in kink relationships, so you can figure out what you need to do or say in order to engage wholeheartedly and safely in any of your kink desires.

The important thing to note is: you are in charge. You can enjoy any of the activities listed here - and literally hundreds of others not listed - in your mind, in your private fantasy life. This is a kink path that many people choose to create tremendous joy and pleasure in their lives.

DON'T YUCK MY YUM

An important value in kink communities is: Don't yuck my yum. If someone else's kink doesn't interest you - or seems disturbing - it's not for you. Move along. Find people who share your kinky interests and do what you love. But don't judge others for desires that seem peculiar or distasteful to you. Because the last thing you (or anyone) needs is that boomerang of judgment and disdain to fly back around at you.

SLEEPING BEAUTY WILL HAVE TO WAIT

The first time I fantasized about mixing sedatives and sex was when I was watching Sleeping Beauty, not the fairy tale, but the 2011 Australian film about a woman who takes a strong sedative to work in a brothel. There was something intoxicating for me about that level of relinquishment - the idea of being utterly passive, of giving up control so fully that she became an object of someone else's desire, a doll, a dream.

I came close to making this fantasy real. I had a plan, a friend I sort of trusted, a tiny pill that would send me sinking into a soft, compliant darkness. But when the moment arrived, apprehension coiled in my belly. Mixing sedatives and play - it felt like crossing a threshold I wasn't ready to experience. I imagined the weightlessness, the quiet inside my mind, the absence of expectation or shame, and still, I hesitated. I knew the danger wasn't just chemical; it was in trusting someone to hold that kind of power over me. So, I let the fantasy stay a fantasy, tucked safely in the space between dreams and waking. -Tia

Some people live full kinky lives on their own, in their fantasies. And if you decide that you want to take your kink desires out, beyond the confines of your imagination and your solo practices, into the world of kinky humans around you, there are all kinds of tips and resources to help you do this to your maximal delight and safety.

So, again, just breathe. You get to decide. No one else.

Connecting to formative experiences or unconscious shame

In decades past, kinky desires were often seen as wholly pathological. Kinky people - who we often refer to as kinksters - had to hide their desires and seek partners in various underground ways. Through word of mouth or community newsletters, people passed locations for kink cruising, bars where kink activities were supported, and community gathering spaces.

The problem with desires and communities that are suppressed or hidden is that they often pushed people into the realm of deep shame as they pursued romantic and sexual partners, and this left them vulnerable to predators who could blackmail or otherwise attempt to control them. All of this forced a lot of harm onto kinky people which then circulated in kink communities - further stigmatizing kink expression.

Suppression can also amp up the desire for a kink. Shame can contribute to compulsive thinking about kinks, and compulsive behaviors as well.

A very good reason to bring your kinks into the light, to name them and consider them in community, is to grow your self-esteem and your sexual and intimate health. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be intimate in ways that are out of the ordinary to some people. As long as you are not harming yourself, and are showing respect and care to others, you can fantasize or do whatever you want.

There's a world of difference between building your life in a state of shame and exploring how to play with feelings of shame in kinky space. The first is corrosive and endangering, and the second can be paradoxically liberating (much more on this in Chapter 6).

Today, kink is...