Recovering The Self

Angels and Devils and Relationships

by Bonnie Spence, Ph.D.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Relationships really test man's character. Is the person willing to lead with their heart and are they willing to share their loving heart with others? There is no such thing as a person who loves only one person. A person that loves people is the one that is really able to love one person. If you state that you don't love or care about humanity, and that you have no love for humanity, you are really not able to just love one person; because that one person is part of the humanity that you say you reject. A person must start by loving themselves and feeling proud of who they are, and how they treat others. If they have no integrity then they cannot love themselves or others.

Unfortunately, I find that we have become a culture of narcissists and have become godless. People who do not believe in a higher power often begin to see themselves as the higher power. That is what created Hitler. This kind of thinking is very dangerous. Narcissists are unwilling to submit their own will. Erich Fromm called these people 'malignant narcissists'. Malignant Narcissism is characterizing by an unsubmitted will. Scott Peck in his book People of the Lie says that these people are basically evil people. Scott Peck wrote:

"Indeed, it is almost tempting to think that the problem of evil lies in the will itself. Perhaps the evil are born so inherently strong-willed that it is impossible for them ever to submit their will. Yet I think it is characteristic of all "great" people that they are extremely strong-willed, whether their greatness be for good or for evil. The strong will - the power and authority - of Jesus radiates from the Gospels, just as Hitler's did from 'Mein Kampf'. But Jesus' will was that of his Father, and Hitler's that of his own. The crucial distinction is between 'willingness and willfulness'". (pp. 79 - People of the Lie)

A good relationship is a loving relationship. Beverly Engel in her book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship quotes Robert Fulghum, who said, "Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts." (pp. 26) Beverly Engel in her book states clearly what destroys loving relationships. People, who become vulnerable and let themselves love, give a lot of power to another person. This is why people must learn how to handle this power in responsible and moral fashion. Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Loving states, that in order to love and have a good relationship a person must learn to be disciplined, patient, and have the ability to concentrate. He also states that learning to love is an art, which requires primarily patience, discipline, and concentration. However, he feels there is only one main requirement in order to learn the art of loving. He stated, "According to what I said about the nature of love, the main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one's narcissism." (pp. 109)

Narcissism does lead to using the destructive, abusive things that Beverly Engel says in her book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. Narcissism leads to abuse of power as one is only focused on their own needs. These people lack empathy and compassion for others, and often get abusive to achieve their own ends, in spite of how this impacts other people. These people who are narcissists are inter-personally exploitative. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and a sense of entitlement. They often have unreasonable expectation of others, and demand power over others to get their own way. Narcissistic abuse of power often leads to abusive treatment of others in relationships. The central abusive items are: domination, constant criticism, continual blaming, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail, constant chaos/creating crisis. She also says other patterns of abuse are character assassination, sexual harassment, and gaslighting. "This term comes from the classic movie Gaslight in which a husband uses a variety of insidious techniques to make his wife doubt her perceptions, her memory, and her very sanity." (pp. 36)

This emotional abuse in a relationship will destroy the relationship. The abused person gets their self-confidence torn down, and builds deep resentment, which can lead to extreme anger. George Bach in his book Creative Aggression says that if enough anger builds up from being abused, a gunny sack can explode. An example of a gunny sack of rage exploding happened on April 21, 2012, at Aikos University, a Korean-Christian College, in Oakland, California. An ex-student of the school was angry because he was such a problem in the class and he got expelled because of disciplinary problems, and was therefore asked to leave the school a few months prior to the shooting. For one thing, they would not reduce his tuition. He said the students abused him, mistreated, and disrespected him. The student's name was One L. Goh. Mr. Goh went to the school that day with the intent to talk with an administrator, but when she was not there, he just opened fire randomly at the school and shot and killed six women and one man. This was the deadliest outburst at a US school from gunfire since the Virginia Tech massacre in which 32 students were killed.

I feel these incidents indicate that people are not paying attention to people that are feeling emotionally abused. People need to become more psychologically aware of other people's feelings so these types of events can be avoided by dealing with the person's feeling before they build to this explosive violent level. We all are responsible for the relationships in every space we are involved in. We need to look inside of our self and evaluate whether we are attempting to understand the people in our space. This quote states clearly what I am describing: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel that people entering any relationship with one person, or a group of people, need to understand how people relate and respond to each other. I feel that we have become much less aware of others and their feelings, and much more narcissistic as a culture. This is dangerous for all people because we need to empathize and relate to others in order to function in any setting, whether it is a school, an institution, or a marriage. Remember Robert Fulghum's book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? Here are a few of his points (there are 16, but these are the ones that touched me that I feel are clearly pertinent to relationships):

1. Share everything.

2. Play fair.

3. Don't hit people.

6. Don't take things that aren't yours.

7. Say you're SORRY when you HURT somebody.

15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. (Credo)

This quote by Albert Pike really clarifies what I have been trying to say in this article: "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal".

The most powerful example of this quote for me was looking at the relationship between Helen Klaben and Ralph Flores in the book Hey I'm Alive, which Ms. Klaben wrote. These two almost strangers got in a plane together in February 1963. They were heading in Alaska for the Yukon when their plane crashed on a snowy mountain. Einstein said, "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." I believe these two people were able to live for 49 days without food or water because they believed everything was a miracle. I was hypnotized and mesmerized by this story when it came out. The countries spent a million and one half dollars searching for these two people after their plane crashed.

All of my life I have been humbled by heroes. Heroes come in many forms, places, and from many walks of life. I remember when this plane crash occurred I was just leaving for graduate school; I had almost no money, and traveled across the country with my faith and my belief in God, and wanted to be one of the heroes; a hero is somebody who is willing to face trauma and great adversity, and still have the courage to move forward toward their goals and their beliefs. Rodney King, who I wrote about in the previous issue of Recovering the Self-the article "Polished Savages and Soft Souls" -was one of those heroes. He went through incredible physical and psychological pain, and moved forward with a loving heart. As you remember, I told you that his youngest daughter said she would remember him for his warm smile and his unconditional love.

When I left for graduate school and this crash had just taken place, I kept remembering what another one of my heroes, John F. Kennedy, said in his inaugural address on January 20, 1961: "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I think I kept thinking about this quote because these two people had to exercise the same values that Kennedy was talking about in their interaction with each other and their fight to survive. Ms. Klaben wrote about how she saw Ralph, after the crash, desperately trying to save both their lives. Mr. Flores, who was the pilot, had a broken jaw, and broken ribs, and Ms. Klaben had a broken arm. She said that Ralph, with all his...