How to Forgive
Description
Ask yourself:
Do you believe that the other person is responsible for how you feel? Do their actions seem like a complete mystery? Are you ready to stop feeling angry or upset? Do you still feel hurt or sad? Are you ready to re-build the trust within this relationship? Have you made the decision to forgive? Are you haunted by something you said or did to another?
If you answered YES to more than one of these questions, then this book is for you! How To Forgive will assist you in unraveling the past and help you to let go of the feelings which are holding you back. Forgiveness is a choice, but to forgive is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive. This step-by-step guide will help you acknowledge your emotions and deal with the issues those emotions identify.
"Lynda Bevan offers an important contribution to the clarification of this emotionallyloaded term: 'forgiveness'. She offers a taxonomy of misdeeds and issues that require forgiveness and then proceeds with guidance on how to tackle and defuse these situations and even turn them around in one's favor. Bevan thus transforms forgiveness from a mere ethical or moral requirement to a pragmatic approach to the management of anger, pain, and abuse. I have rarely encountered so much useful content packed into so little a space: this book is a veritable energy drink!"
--Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited
By the author of the #1 Bestseller: "Life Without Jealousy"
Self-Help: Abuse - General
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Person
Her 22-year career has involved working in the area of mental health, with the two major care agencies in the UK, Social Services and the National Health Service.
After the birth of her third child, and with her second mar-riage ending, she became employed by Social Services and climbed through the ranks to senior management level with some speed.
During her career with Social Services, she developed a passion for counseling and psychotherapy and worked extensively with mental health patients within the organization, setting up counseling projects in Healthcare Centers. The task was to tackle the issue of doctors who inappropriately referred patients to Psychiatric Hospitals for therapy when they had experienced events that arise in normal everyday life, e.g., divorce, anxiety, depression, bereavement, stress, loss of role. It was during this time that she became involved in marital/relationship counseling and, coincidentally, was experi-encing difficulties within her own relationship. The experience of working in this environment, and her own relationship issues, enabled Lynda to be innovative; creating methods of coping and developing strategies that enabled her and her patients to live within their problematic relationships. These strategies were devised and offered to patients
who had clearly identified that they did not want to separate or proceed with the divorce process.
After taking early retirement from Social Services, she be-came employed by the National Health Service as a Counselor in the Primary Healthcare Setting. During this pe-riod in her career, she began using the strategies she had developed with patients who were referred for relationship counseling and who did not want to end their partner-ship/marriage. These strategies have been used extensively over a ten-year period with impressive results.
Lynda is presently employed as a Manager of a charity that supports people who are HIV positive. She is also the Resident Relationship Counselor on Swansea Sound Radio
Learn more at www.LyndaBevan.com
Content
- Cover
- Copyright
- Contents
- Understanding Forgiveness
- "Forgive and Forget?"
- What Happens if You Can't Forget?
- What is Blame?
- Defusing Conflict and Communication
- Overcoming Obstacles
- Designing Your Action Plan
- Implementing Change
- Consolidating Your Position
- Your New Patterns of Behavior
I remember a line in a play I once acted in many years ago, and every now and then it pops into my mind: "To forgive is to overcome, and I have not forgiven you." I am really confused with this line as it suggests that unless you have overcome the issue and/or the person that you needed to forgive, then you have not forgiven that person. I am sure, like me, if someone has apologized to you for something that they said or did to you, you in return would reply, "Apology accepted, don't worry, no problem," and life would carry on regardless. It isn't that simple though, is it? Life doesn't just carry on regardless. These deeds, large or small, that have hurt you emotionally are stored in your mind, and when a situation occurs that is similar to past deeds, you begin to have doubts as to whether you have forgiven that person, because you certainly have not forgotten it if it pops up in your mind when a similar situation occurs. This issue begs many questions. One is, "If you haven't forgotten the deed, does that mean that you haven't forgiven either?"
This book will identify the many aspects and meanings of the word "forgiveness" and will attempt to enable you to understand exactly how being able to forgive someone is a basic, essential, necessary process in your life. The focus of this book is "forgiveness in adult relationships." Forgiveness is such an important word, and the action that follows the word is humbling if it is said and done genuinely and sincerely. The person apologizing will feel vulnerable and embarrassed.
Ask yourself:
Have you asked someone/your partner to forgive you?
Have you really wanted to be forgiven by that person/your partner?
Have you only asked to be forgiven in order to keep your partner happy so that person believes that he/she is still in control of the relationship?
Have you found it easy to ask for forgiveness?
Have you asked for forgiveness so many times that you now feel devalued and lacking self-worth?
Have you paid the price of repeatedly asking for forgiveness from your partner even when you have done no wrong?
Have you lost the love you had for your partner through accepting blame and because you have been expected to ask for forgiveness?
I will explore these questions and give some simple explanations in Step 2.
To Forgive, What Does it Mean?
"Forgive" according to Webster's New World Dictionary, means: "to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; pardon; to overlook an offense; to cancel a debt."
If you are unable to forgive, you are unable to "move on" in your life. When you believe that you cannot forgive someone, it will eat you up and destroy the relationship you have with your partner/family member/friend. It will also destroy the relationship you have with yourself. It is not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside you. Not being able to forgive someone means that you are continually tied to the person you should have forgiven. Many people may require forgiveness by you, and if this is the case then your negative thought process will have totally taken control over you, and you will be stuck in the negative groove of your own making. When you look at "forgiveness" from this viewpoint you will see that it is essential, for the sake of your mental health, to challenge your current thoughts and work through the process of identifying the cause of your unforgiving attitude. This is to release your negative thought process and replace it with a positive one that will enable you to regain self-control and healthy power now and in future situations. More about how to engage in changing your negative thought processes to positive thought processes is given later on in this book.
"To err is human; to forgive, Divine."
Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism
Here are some examples of issues that require forgiveness:
People spreading malicious lies aimed at casting you in a bad light
People who have been emotionally abusive toward you
People who have been physically violent toward you (if this is the case, your life may be in danger?get help.)
If you have been embarrassed by your partner
If you have been humiliated by your partner
If you have caused someone/your partner's self-esteem to drop significantly
If you are holding on to a grudge against a past partner
If you are holding on to a grudge against your parents
If you are holding a grudge because you have been conned regarding financial issues
If you are holding on to issues with siblings (rivalry)
If you are holding on to jealousy issues
If you cannot forgive your partner for having an affair
If you are holding a grudge against your step-children (who haven't accepted you)
If you believe your partner is more successful than you are and are holding a grudge with your partner because of this
If you believe your partner is more popular than you are and you continually feel marginalized.
This list is endless and will be different for each of you. Let's take a look at each of the above.
When Malicious Lies are Spread about You
This is a particularly ugly scenario and one that makes you feel that you can't trust anyone. You have to ask, "Why do people talk in this way behind my back?'
Here are some examples of when this happens.
When someone is jealous of you
When someone doesn't know you and makes wrong assumptions
When someone wants what you've got
When someone is unkind
When someone takes an instant dislike to you
When someone doesn't know how to approach you and then assumes that you are unapproachable
When someone believes that you don't like them
When someone feels intimated by you
When someone believes you have ignored them
When there is a misunderstanding between you
When there is a quarrel between you.
When someone believes that you have done something that they disapprove of.
When you let someone down
When you are found out
When someone believes that you have talked about them behind their back
When you don't take sides and you are "sent to Coventry" (shunned by one or both sides).
Whatever the reason, the outcome is distasteful and, sometimes, difficult to repair. The best way to repair the problem is to face it head on and tackle the person or people who you believe are talking about you. This needn't be done in a confrontational, aggressive way. A cool, calm approach in these circumstances is always the best way.
An example of how to approach this is:
You say: "I've heard some terrible things you've said about me, and I find it hard to believe that you would talk about me in this way behind my back. Please tell me what you've heard and give me the opportunity of clarifying the situation for you." If you make the statement or ask the question in this way, you will not aggravate or upset the person and they will react in the same manner.
Emotional Abuse
Someone on the receiving end of emotional abuse often does not know that they are being abused. They become so familiar and accepting of the way they are being treated that they fail to identify that they are being abused. It is hard to understand and accept that you are being emotionally abused, and even more confusing is how you stop it.
Here are some examples of emotional abuse:
You are intimidated by your partner
You are bullied by your partner
You are interrogated by your partner
You are constantly ignored by your partner
You are verbally threatened by your partner
You are ridiculed by your partner
You are undermined by your partner
You are nagged (persecuted) by your partner
You are not allowed to make a decision for yourself
You are controlled by your partner
You are manipulated by your partner
You are denied help from your partner
You feel the necessity to hide things from your partner in fear of their reaction
You live on a tight budget that is controlled by your partner.
All of the above are forms of emotional abuse. There are more-I am sure you...
