Bonded by Evolution

A groundbreaking look at the science of attachment and compatibility, challenging our most fundamental assumptions about love and attraction and revealing the real keys to lasting connection and deeper relationships.

“Riveting insights . . . on the idiosyncratic, contingent ways real relationships develop.”—Science

Modern media and culture have taught you a vast array of inaccurate ideas about dating and relationships. Scroll through Instagram and Tiktok, and you’ll inevitably see the influence of a buzzy new branch of science—evolutionary psychology—at play in videos, touting gender stereotypes and spreading a deeply flawed story about romance and connection. Evolutionary psychology claims that our minds have been shaped by primal drives that pit the genders against each other, from the myth that men are wired to be promiscuous to the notion that wealth, status, and beauty are the ultimate aphrodisiacs.

In Bonded by Evolution UC Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick reveals that these stories bear little resemblance to how pair-bonding really works. While beauty and charisma factor into first impressions, their influence fades fast—after a few months, we barely agree on who's “desirable.” Drawing on pathbreaking research—including original experiments from his own lab—Eastwick explains that lasting attraction has, from ancestral times through the present, been built through gradual, often mundane moments that forge strong attachment bonds. Ultimately, he offers a liberating new paradigm for finding meaningful, exciting relationships, showing us:

• Why the traits we often look for in a partner—personality, lifestyle, values, and humor—are poor predictors of compatibility, and what behaviors and experiences we should focus on instead
• Why someone's tendency to “date around” or their reputation as a player has little bearing on their long-term relationship potential
• Why the most secure relationships offer a "safe haven" and "secure base" for each partner, and how to cultivate them in new and existing relationships

By excavating the hidden history of human mating, Eastwick paints a radical new picture of the roots of enduring chemistry. Distilling evolutionary biology, anthropology, and psychology into accessible insights, Bonded by Evolution explains why we so often choose dating strategies that make us miserable and how to use a more evolved approach.