Courage to Surrender

My college sweetheart was five months pregnant when we got married at a formal wedding her family planned for us. Times were crazy as Id graduated from college two weeks earlier and was getting ready to move to a strange city to begin a career. My concerns were where would we live, could I do the job I never tried, and would my salary be enough to pay the bills, give my new wife and I a life, and most of all provide the required baby things.I excelled at my career, but money was tight, so we read and fed the ducks in a quiet lifestyle with our ',love child.' Our only exception that summer of 1969 was the infamous Woodstock Music and Art Festival. I was concerned my best friend's wife was pregnant, but we picked them up in New York State as we passed through from our new apartment in Connecticut. Within four years my wife was pregnant again, and my job was boring, so I got a new job about four hours to the west. It was a living accommodations upgrade, the job was challenging, and we met a nice couple with two kids the ages of ours. Over then few years we socialized and played sports with only them until a better job moved us six hours farther west.And that was our lifestyle for the next 7 or 8 years until we could afford a house, but the change was negligible. The only significance with a house aside from yard work was I met a couple of high-powered addicts with high-level jobs. With their assistance, I added speed to my habits.As my addiction to my increased use, my wife joined us to a lesser degree. Less than a year in our house, I was transferred to headquarters with recommendations. I was placed on the ',high potential' list indicating the sky was the limit if I worked hard and stayed out of trouble.Those two requirements proved too much for my lifestyle.This was a Fortune 5 company so it surprised me as the year before the move I was asked to join an elite group headed to upper management, but it was all accounting, which wasn't on my career path, so I quit. The day I handed in my books my boss went ballistic screaming no one quits - it took me a lot to get you in.After breaking down walls of digital ignorance, the company gave me a management award. I suggested we split it with one of my direct reports. After that embarrassment, I was told in private if projects are a success it's because you, the project manager, made it happen. For failed projects, it's always the people actually doing the work who screwed it up.At the corporate office, I fell in with a couple of partiers who brought me down to their lifestyle. I was not feeling good about myself I was at the bottom of my life and with every opportunity to excel I failed. In 1982, I was given a project that included a communications link to Singapore. I visited there for a five-week stay and loved the challenges.Upon my return, there was a domestic situation that started at the airport. I didn't handle it very well after my 27-hour plane trip. Part of the issues was a transfer to New Hampshire. As everyone expected I was able to straighten out my life in the quiet environment of New Hampshire. no drugs, reduced drinking. And so it was I lived the best of life to the worst of life and every adventure between. My PTSD is so vivid my story is detailed in every way. My kids deal with this nightmare time of our lives in their own way, but none of us will ever forget the fear, heartbreak, and pain we suffered every day.