Destroyed

• • Julie

    
    

I run, again and again, without a destination. I just want to escape as far as possible, to forget, to lose myself in my wolf's mind. Except that if I listen to her, I'll have to turn back. I'll have to save him. I refuse. Never. He is evil incarnate. He is the most abject being I have ever crossed paths with. No matter who he could have become, he never will. I made sure of that. My wolf cries in my head. The sound shatters my heart and fractures my soul. She understands why it had to be done. However, she does not accept it. She never will. She is instinct. She is animal. I am reason and reflection. Never did I think I would one day be torn in two like this. I hurt, for her as much as for myself.

I have been wandering aimlessly for days, maybe weeks. I no longer know. I have lost my sense of time, my sense of the world. I have lost myself. I should probably return to Silver City, to my home, to my pack. Nevertheless, I am no longer certain I have a place there. I behaved badly. Very badly. I wanted to frighten Lilou. I hoped to chase my alpha's soulmate from my territory. I apologized. I atoned before the one most affected. However, wolves hold grudges. I attempted to take the life of the future female alpha. No, the female alpha. She transformed just before I left the pack. Because of him. He hurt her. He tried to kill her. Aaron almost lost his mate, and as a result, he would have succumbed to lunar madness. He is a monster. He had to be eliminated. 

My wolf grants me her form, but she no longer communicates. She is curled up inside my mind. She refuses to come out, to take control. What have I done? What was necessary. I will never be able to regret my action. I will never be able to live with it either.

* * *

Curled up in a ball, I breathe slowly, trying to silence my treacherous mind that has been torturing me for weeks. I lift my snout, catching the scent of approaching people. The wind carries their smell. I recognize them. Lilou and Cassandra. They visit me every day since my return to the Silvermoon pack.

Well, I'm on pack territory, but I don't enter the village. Never. I refuse to. I can't stand their eyes on me, the pity in their gaze, and their thirst for answers.

"Remind me why we come to see her every day?"

"Julie is part of the pack, and she needs help."

Cassandra. The new member of the Silvermoon pack. I missed the whole story between her and Duke when I ran away. It almost makes me smile. They're so different, and that wolf is so stubborn that I'm sure their bond wasn't obvious at first. Actually, I was there for part of it-when that idiot of a wolf nearly let himself be consumed by lunar madness just to give her a choice. What a fool!

Cassandra seems nice. I think. We've never really talked, but she's Lilou's best friend, and the alpha female is the kindest person I've ever met. After everything I put her through, she still worries about me. In a way, she's taken me under her wing. 

"Are you sure she's not stuck in this form?"

"Aaron assured me she's not in the grips of lunar madness."

Not yet. I stay in my wolf form, so I don't have to explain myself. It's easier this way. Still, madness will come for me in time, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Bonding? I'll never be able to. I lost that right.

"She stays in wolf form by choice. She's probably traumatized."

Lilou is perceptive. I often catch her looking into my eyes, trying to read my soul. She doesn't have an alpha's innate powers, yet she senses more than I'd like her to.

"Her soulmate could probably help her more than we can."

At those words, the sharp pain I spend most of my time suppressing explodes in my chest. I let out a pitiful whimper, unable to stop myself.

Half of my soul is gone. It no longer exists. It died because of me.

My fault.

I am solely responsible.

My wolf will never recover from this trauma. She will never forgive me, even though she helped me destroy him. I missed my chance. Not that he could have ever made me whole.

"Please, Julie, calm down."

Lilou wraps her arms around my neck, burying her nose in my fur under Cassandra's teary gaze. I don't want their pity. I deserve my fate. I brought it upon myself.

I let Lilou's warmth comfort me for a moment before shaking myself free. I'm fine. I'm strong. I'm a wolf.

For now.

"Julie, we can't help you if we can't talk to you."

I shake my head. No. I refuse to talk. Words won't change anything. I have to face this.

I need time.

How much? I don't know.

Until lunar madness takes me, probably.

Then maybe, just maybe, I'll find peace.

I don't deserve their compassion, nor their sadness. I was never a kind person. Even before my departure, I wasn't one of those women who helped others for free or offered a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to become alpha alongside Aaron, to lead the Silvermoon pack. I enticed him, I waited patiently for my moment. That was the only thing I lived for, and I never hid it. I assumed that when the time came for him, Aaron would ask me to be his mate, that he would choose me. But in the end, he preferred to die rather than be bound to me. Ultimately, he understood who I was long before I did.

I am not a good person. Even before Lilou arrived in town, I was nothing but jealousy and manipulation. The pack tolerated my antics, but I wasn't liked. I still am not. Only Lilou and Cassandra come to these woods to check on me. That fact alone speaks volumes. I am not a loner. I could have become one. However, beyond the difficulty of enduring the lack of contact, I need Carter to act when the lunar madness takes hold of me. I know he won't hesitate. When the time comes, he will put me down because it is his duty as beta. He owes me that. He will prevent me from killing innocents. My hands are already stained with blood. I refuse to let them be tainted further. Never again.

Aaron stands before me, arms crossed, beside Lilou, with Carter to his left. What do they want from me? No idea. Maybe to drive me out. Whatever my sentence, I will accept it without flinching. 

"Julie, you can't stay in these woods any longer."

Even though I expected it, their rejection still stings. I am no longer one of them, and no pack tolerates an outsider on their territory for long. We are territorial beasts. Lowering my head, I crouch on all fours, submissive.

"It's time for you to reclaim your place among your own, Julie, and you know full well that wolves have no place among humans."

I am not sure I understand what he's getting at. I have no intention of going into town or any other populated place. I want to live in seclusion-alone, yet not truly alone.

"Shift back into your human form, Julie. Now."

No! I step back, sensing his intentions. So that's why the pack leaders are here. I glare at Lilou, baring my teeth. This is her fault, I'm sure of it. Aaron and Carter don't care if I stay in the woods, but the female tries every day to talk to me. She wants to help me, to fix me, as I once overheard her telling Cassandra. She doesn't understand. Some things are beyond repair.

"Don't be mad at me, Julie. I'm doing this for you, for your own good."

No. I growl at her now, though the sound is barely threatening since my wolf doesn't back me up. It is merely the expression of my anger, not my animal instincts.

"This isn't normal, Alpha."

"I know, Carter. Look at her. Her wolf is fading. That's not good."

Oh, my beast is still there. She's just shrinking further inside my mind as Aaron's aura seeps into my pores.

"Don't resist, Julie. You're forcing me to do this."

Not this. I shake my head, clawing at my muzzle. My wolf must help me. She must stay conscious so I can keep this form.

"It's useless to fight the inevitable, Julie."

Carter crouches, resting on his heels as he gazes at me with a sorrowful expression.

"Running away won't solve anything, and you know it, don't you?"

I close my eyes, pleading with my inner beast to surface, to lend me her strength, but she remains deaf to my calls.

"Everything will be okay, Julie. The pack will be here to support you, no matter what happened. You know us, you know the Silvermoon mindset. We fight for each other. You're not alone anymore, so let go and truly come back to us. Don't choose a half-life."

Lilou's words reach me and shatter me. I can't let go, or I will collapse.

"Julie, you're strong. You will be able to stand back up."

"Just like my soulmate did, despite everything he endured."

My gaze falls on the alpha female's arms. So many scars. I know what he did to her. What he did to all the others before her. He deserved to die. He deserved to suffer, but I was incapable of torturing him. It was beyond my strength. Yet I am fully aware that he could have done far worse. He was capable of causing true massacres. I had to stop him. I couldn't allow him to put the pack and all the shapeshifters in danger. I'm not selfish enough to condemn all of my kind. I had to act. 

Lost in my thoughts, I let my concentration slip, and Aaron took advantage. His eyes glowing, his wolf close to the surface, he forced me to shift. I find myself in human form, naked in the middle of the woods. I'm not...