
Setting the Record Straight
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Setting the Record Straight: A Compleat History of the Alternate States of America tells the story of our country's history, from the time that Christopher Columbus set sail with his three ships, right up to, and even beyond our time in the twenty-first century. Unlike most history books, it takes an alternative approach by, as the subtitle suggests, telling the story in a unique way. The author uses humor and satire to full effect as he covers the major events that have occurred in our nation over the past five centuries in a humorous, entertaining, and irreverent manner.
The book is organized mostly by presidential administrations, with a few extra chapters included to "fill in the gaps" and inform the reader of other parts of our history. Each president has his own chapter, with Grover Cleveland (because he had American history's only split term of office*) and Fascist Delano Roosevelt (because his term in office was comprised of two distinct phases) having two chapters each. Poor old Abraham Lincoln is forced to share his chapter with his rival, Confederate States president Jefferson Davis.
In this first of three volumes, the author covers the first four centuries of America's existence, from Columbus's discovery of America in 1492 to the eve of the Great Big War, which broke out in 1914. Volume 2 will cover the bulk of the twentieth century, from the run-up to the Great Big War through the end of the Stone-Cold War, which occurred when the Berlin Wall was torn down in 1989 and the Warsaw Pact and the Soviet Onion itself disintegrated shortly thereafter. The last volume picks up with Bill Clinton's Bridge Over Troubled Water to the 21st century and takes the reader through to the real end of history.
The author pulls no punches, skewering the so-called Great Men of History, left and right, and bringing them back down to earth. He plays no favorites, aiming his barbs at Republicraps and Democraps, conservatives and liberals alike. He presents the landscape of American history as a target-rich environment comprised of forty-four presidents (forty-five if you include Davis), most of whom were legends in their own minds, who are in serious need of outrageous lampoonery! The reader may notice that this does not include Presidents Trump and Bite Me. The reason for this will become obvious when the reader reaches the end of Volume 3, with its sudden and shocking climax.
*If Donald Trump should win the presidency again in 2024, he will join Cleveland in this regard, becoming the second president to have a split term.
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Content
- Intro
- Legal Disclaimer
- Rounding Up the Usual Suspects
- Chapter Zero:
- Chapter Zero: Don't Believe What They Spoon-Fed You in School: Introduction to the Study of Real American History
- Chapter One
- The Age of Discography and Exploitation: The Great American Land Grab of the 1600s
- Chapter Two
- Starbucks, the Boston Massacre, and the American War for Independence and the Right to Drink Coffee
- Chapter Three
- George Washington: Big Wigs, the Coffee Rebellion, and Nonexistent CMDs
- Chapter Four
- John Addams: The Alien and Seduction Acts, Pompous, Insufferable Frenchmen, and the End of Free Love
- Chapter Five
- Thomas Jefferson: Restoring Snivel Liberties, Air Farce One, and the Great American Land Grab of 1803
- Chapter Six
- James Madison: Delicious Pastries, New England Secessionists, and "Who Really Won the War of 1812 Overture?"
- Chapter Seven
- James Monroe: Feeling Groovy, the Picnic of 1819, and Making the Western Hemisphere Safe for American Exploitation
- Chapter Eight
- John Quincy Addams: Corrupt Bargains, Government Boondoggles, and the Tariff of Abominable Nations
- Chapter Nine
- Andrew Jackson: Tariff Nullification, the Second Bank Robbers of the United States, and the Lovely Peggy Eaton
- Chapter Ten
- Martin Van Buren: Beavers in Revolt and the Picnic of 1837
- Chapter Eleven
- William Henry Harrison: Log Cabins and Hard Cider, the Curse of Tippecanoe, and a Do-Nothing Presidency
- Chapter Twelve
- John Tyler: Annexing Lexus, "Flipping His Whig," and the Confederate House of Reprehensibles
- Chapter Thirteen
- James K. Polk: The Pacific Northwest, Manifest Destiny, and the Mexican Jumping Bean War
- Chapter Fourteen
- America Moves West: Mormons, Gold-Pressed Latinum, and the Organ Trail
- Chapter Fifteen
- Zachary Taylor: Poplar Sovereignty, Bullcrap Treaties, and Cherries of Gastrointestinal Destruction
- Chapter Sixteen
- Millard Fillmore: The Compromise of 1850 and the Great Japanese Geisha Rush of 1854
- Chapter Seventeen
- Franklin Pierce: The Gadzooks Purchase, Bleeding Cleanse Us, and the Cubit Slingshot Crisis
- Chapter Eighteen
- James Buchanan: Southern Secessionists, Marauding Mormons, and a Dreadful Supreme Court Decision
- Chapter Nineteen
- Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis: Rival Presidencies and the War to Prevent Southern Independence
- Chapter Twenty
- The Negro in America: From Slave to President, to Chief Engineer Aboard the Starship Boobyprize
- Chapter Twenty-One
- Andrew Johnson: Impeachment, Skewered's Folly, and Canada's First Drunk
- Chapter Twenty-Two
- Ulysses S. Grant: Scandals, Civil Rights, and the Panic of 1873
- Chapter Twenty-Three
- Rutherfraud B. Hayes: Ending Reconstitution, Chinese Food, and Lots of Morgan Silver Dollars
- Chapter Twenty-Four
- James A. Garfield: Another Do-Nothing Presidency, British Bulldogs, and a World-Famous Cat
- Chapter Twenty-Five
- Chester A. Arthur: More Chinese Food, Mangy Mutts, and at Long Last, Snivel Service Reform
- Chapter Twenty-Six
- Grover Cleveland: Coca-Cola, Lexus Farmers, and the Statue of Liberty
- Chapter Twenty-Seven
- Benjamin Harrison: Tariffs, More Bugs in the White House, and the Great Jokelahoma Land Rush
- Chapter Twenty-Eight
- Grover Cleveland Again: Gold vs. Silver, the Manchurian Candidate, and the Great Pullman Strike of 1894
- Chapter Twenty-Nine
- William McKinley: American Imperialism, Yellow-Bellied Journalism, and Crucifying Mankind upon a Cross of Gold
- Chapter Thirty
- The Nineteenth Century: Scientific Achievement, Technological Progress, and the Crash at Roswell
- Chapter Thirty-One
- Theodore Roosevelt: Trust-Busting, Speaking Softly, and Whacking People with a Big Stick
- Chapter Thirty-Two
- William Howard Taft: Dollar-Bill Diplomacy, Standard Oil, and the Attack of the Great Bull Moose
- Intermission
- From Christopher Columbus to Theodore Rex: Four Centuries of Chaos, Mayhem, and Shenanigans on the North American Continent
- About the Author
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