
Don't Lick the Minivan
Description
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In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:
The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied.
The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks.
The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie.?
The horror of glitter.
And much more!
Shirtliffe eventually realizes that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' therapy fund. And possibly her own. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.
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Content
- Intro
- Title Page
- Copyright
- Dedication
- Contents
- Introduction: A Rambling Preamble, or How This Came to Be
- A word to the reader, or more precisely, 452 words to the reader
- Get that train off your penis
- Part One: Pregnancy and Birth, or Is This Really Happening?
- So the accountant got her aunt to do some woo-woo on our unborn babies?
- We're in trouble if our doctor doesn't know how women do it
- You thought telling me I have good stats for a football player would be funny?
- Do you think it's heretical if I refer to myself as the Trinity?
- Why do so many people say stupid things to pregnant women?
- Can you imagine if Tarantino made a film about pregnancy and birth?
- The Sappy Files, Part 1 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Be Kind)
- Part Two: The First Twelve Months, or The I-Barely-Remember Year
- Please take these crying things away
- Follow that car. My babies are in there
- Can you stop selling boob-show passes to our guests?
- Do you think they dropped our babies into a big vat of soup?
- You spit at the taxi driver while pushing the stroller?
- How long were those drunken women holding our babies?
- We travel with our own dual airbags
- I'm screwing up our kids
- We're scarring them for life
- The Sappy Files, Part 2 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I'm Somewhat Sane)
- Part Three: The Toddler Years, or Reasons to Start a Therapy Fund
- We need to outwit, outlast, outnumber our kids
- I'm swearing my way to cleanliness
- Would you put your penis away?
- Mommy will sneeze like Donald Duck if you pick up your toys
- You don't need clothes to be a dancer
- The Sappy Files, Part 3 (or Why My Son's Future Therapists Should Adore Him)
- Part Four: Preschool, or Who Taught You That?
- Eating kids' Halloween candy is a community service
- We can use the money from the kids' account to pay the credit card bill
- Did you pee on Minnie Mouse on purpose?
- You can buy a baby at the hospital
- It's not an ice cream truck, it's a vegetable truck
- Hop on Pop, if you know what I mean
- Who told you that you should breathe through your mouth when daddies poo?
- The Sappy Files, Part 4 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I Don't Need to Be Committed. Yet.)
- Part Five: Kindergarten, or Why I Had a Breakdown
- I put the mental in environmental
- A homeless princess and a lion preparing for a flood, excellent choice of costumes
- Her puke ruined the new car smell
- Did you actually lick the tire?
- Do you want to come to Stripper Barbie's funeral?
- If you can't stop laughing, think of something sad, like dead puppies
- I can't cope anymore
- The Sappy Files, Part 5 (or Why My Daughter's Future Therapists Should Adore Her)
- Part Six: Beyond Kindergarten, or Putting the Fun in Dysfunction
- Stop using your straw to suck up spaghetti
- You can't shoot people in church
- He put the hose down the vent and turned on the water
- The next time you come out of that room, you'd better be bleeding
- I love the sound of vacuuming up LEGO in the morning
- I'll smuggle some Pinot Grigio in the kids' water bottles
- The Sappy Files, Part 6 (or Why My Kids' Therapists Should Have a Drink, Unless They're Alcoholics, in Which Case Don't. Blame. Me.)
- The Post-Amble, or The Sappy-File Finale
- The Final Sappy File (or Why I Need to Laugh)
- Acknowledgments, or People I Didn't Forget to Thank
- Resources, or High Tech-y Stuff
- Index, or A Completely Unhelpful but Accurate Classification
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