Purpose

"She must find a boat and sail in it.

No guarantee of shore.

Only a conviction that what she wanted could exist,

if she dared to find it."

-Jeanette Winterson

I BELIEVE THE HIGHEST purpose for each of us is to realize our fullest potential by living our most authentic life-unapologetically, in color, and out loud. But we all face barriers between imagining what that life looks like and then actually living it. Those barriers come in all shapes and sizes. Some are mere hurdles, while others are brick walls. These are the boxes we find ourselves in.

We started building them at different times and for different reasons. We had different tools at our disposal. The world can be an overwhelming and unpredictable place, and we use these coping mechanisms and mental constructs to deal with and make sense of it all. Some are healthy, and some are destructive. Just as each person's journey is unique, so are the boxes we live in.

As a child, I was overwhelmed by my fears and began building walls to protect myself from what caused them. As I grew, my fears grew irrational and all-consuming, manifesting into an anxiety and panic disorder with isolated bouts of depression. As the anxiety escalated, my walls grew taller and thicker. I watched my world shrinking around me. What was once my safe place had become my prison. The limitations I had placed on my life, both physically and mentally, were literally suffocating me.

My journey out of my box wasn't a place I could pin on a map and sail to. My journey was within. In order to heal and grow, I had to revisit open wounds and process my pain. In order to climb up those walls and out of that box, I first had to go down and back. Deep down and way back.

I set out to find the source of my anxiety in order to understand and find the strength to overcome it. In revisiting my past experiences and traumas with more awareness, I could see them more clearly and understand how they affected me on a deeper level. I needed to see them through the eyes of a terrified little girl hiding in a cardboard box. I had to feel her hyperventilating and grasping onto life so painfully tight that it was slipping through her fingers-and I had to give her the comfort she desperately needed. I needed to be her safety, her lifeline. And I needed to show her that it can be different. Because ultimately, it is different. By going back to save her, I saved myself.

This is how I overcame the debilitating anxiety that kept me from realizing my fullest potential and living my most authentic life. This is my hero's journey.

Even after so much work has been done, there are still dragons to slay and treasures to find. Every day, I challenge myself not only to rewrite the end of my story, but to reframe my past, not as a life of limitations, missed opportunities, and failures, but rather as a life of courage and triumph, reconciliation, and redemption.

Once I finally decided to change my life, it wasn't as easy as opening my eyes to the box I was living in, finding the door, and walking out into the life I'd always dreamed of. The journey has been the most challenging and transformative of my life. But I found my way out, and so can you.

What is this book about?

I am not a psychiatrist, and this is not a self-help book. I am a lawyer, and this is a memoir. I've suffered with an anxiety disorder since I was 7 years old, and while I benefited from psychiatrists and self-help books along the way, they always fell short for me.

My psychiatrists had degrees and prescription pads but lacked personal experience. They were always on the outside looking in. Self-help books offered recipes for success in seven simple steps but lacked a personal connection. I found it nearly impossible to internalize their advice and implement their techniques while in the cauldron of panic and pain. And even when I had the clarity to do so, they focused on managing my symptoms, not overcoming my disorder, which, to me, meant forever limiting my life to accommodate it. I was left feeling helpless and hopeless.

While my anxiety and bouts with depression looked and felt different at various times in my life, I needed to hear the stories on these pages at every point on my path. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to be reminded of who I was and what I was capable of. I needed to hear that there was hope-hope that I could find my way out and reclaim my life.

This book chronicles my journey to overcome the debilitating anxiety that kept me from realizing my full potential and living my most authentic life-a life with deep, emotional connections, a life of adventure and risk-taking, a life full of wonder and curiosity and saying "yes," a life lived on my own terms, based on my own dreams and desires, not based on my diagnosis.

Is this book for you?

If you saw the word "anxiety" on the book jacket and picked it up, then this book is for you. I wrote it with you in mind. Maybe you suffer in the shadows, clenching a pill in one hand and a coffee in the other, desperately trying to look happy and in control, but unraveling inside. Whether you've just recently been introduced to the crippling effects of anxiety or you can hardly remember life before anxiety, these stories will resonate. They shine a light in those dark spaces and show you that this very struggle can be your greatest source of strength.

Maybe it's not anxiety but something else that has kept you from living your best life. I wrote this book for you, too. If you used to call yourself a dreamer and now your dreams follow you around in fragments on the floor, rattling like cans hanging off a bumper, reminding you of empty promises you made to yourself and never kept, then this book is for you.

Or maybe it's not you who is suffering. Maybe you've never felt anything but normal twinges of anxiety and moved on unaffected. But now, you find yourself completely helpless as you watch your son or daughter or loved one struggle with mental illness. I wrote this book to pull you into their world and show you a glimpse of their suffering so you can start the conversation, ask the questions you've been avoiding, and maybe even save a life.

This book is a raw and honest depiction of what life looks and feels like under the cloak of constant anxiety and the fear of reoccurring bouts of depression. The chapters stand on their own as a story or lesson, each building on the last as the path is revealed. Coupled with inspirational quotes, sobering statistics, poems that were written in the trenches, and surreal narratives written in prose that will take the reader on a journey of empowerment, reconciliation, emotional transformation, spiritual redemption, and self-love.

Part One begins in the environment that triggered my first anxious thoughts and my need to control every situation and outcome-and laid the foundation for the walls to come. Part Two continues through years of living in the box with all of its limitations and restrictions, missed opportunities and struggles, until I realize that I created my own prison. These walls were not providing protection, only pain. I was no longer in control of my life. Anxiety controlled everything.

Part Three reveals how and why I made the decision to find my way out, even without an obvious path or guaranteed outcome. The stories in these chapters illustrate how I navigated that transformative process through deepened self-awareness and expanded consciousness. Part Four culminates in revealing the life I have manifested on the outside of my box.

Why should you take this journey with me?

I had my first panic attack when I was just 7 years old. I have experienced anxiety first-hand from the time I can remember having any thoughts. I have hit rock bottom and found my way back out to a life I never thought possible. I understand the perspective from both places now. I know what it feels like to be one step away from being swallowed by the darkness and the strength needed to take one more step toward the light. I challenged the conventions that told me I had to manage my symptoms, as it was not possible to leave them behind.

I discovered that after trying it all-various therapies, prescription drugs, alcohol, self-help books, meditation, yoga, prayer, diet, and even a loving partner-it is possible. But not just with any one of them. I needed all of them and much more. I took one small step at a time and watched as the path revealed itself to me along the way. This path led me to the treasure that had been buried deep inside of me all along. And I can honestly say that I am the strongest I've ever been. I can honestly say that I love myself, every part-even the crazy thoughts-because now I know where they came from.

While writing this book, I tapped into my over 20 years of experience as an attorney, processing complex ideas, to navigate these similarly complex mental and emotional constructs. I then added proper context and vivid imagery to communicate them intimately and effectively. It may be difficult to walk this path with me at times, but I would encourage you, in those moments, to take a step back and view my story through your own lens. I hope it will help you reach a deeper understanding of the labor of your journey.

Why did I write this book?

For me, hearing personal stories was integral to finding initial relief from the isolation anxiety created and the fear that I was losing my mind. I promise that as you take this journey with me, you won't feel alone. My...