Lifting the Gloom

The best antidepressant of all (that's laughter)

It takes a great deal of effort to stay depressed while laughing. See if these three 100-word stories manage to lift the gloom.

Genius

PRESS RELEASE

This year's Nobel Prize for Economics has been awarded to Emma Smith of Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia, for instantaneously doubling the global economy, an act of genius that has revolutionized the science of Economics.

She has evaluated the monetary worth of house cleaning, cooking, child care and early child education, dispute resolution and mediation services, taxi services at Uber rates, and information networking.

These services are provided within each family.

By assessing their value, she has managed to double the global Gross Domestic Product.

She has achieved this miracle without even including the monetary value of sexual services.

You meet the nicest people in the oddest places

Molly looked at the clock. Heavens, last night when she'd checked in at 2 a.m., a sign stated, they served breakfast only till 10 o'clock. She hadn't bothered to take out her contact lenses, and now her eyes stung. She popped them out and smeared that soothing cream on. Eyes closed, she grabbed her toiletry bag and ran for the bathroom.

Through barely slitted eyes, she plotted the path to the toilet, turned and plonked down - onto something resilient.

Strong arms gently closed around her. A deep, laughing voice said, "Darling, welcome. Didn't you know, neighboring units share a bathroom?"

Ancient Wisdom

By Murphy's law, my husband's dentures were being repaired just when our interstate daughter paid us a visit, but he put a good face on it. He soon made friends again with the grandbabies. Three year old Tommy became an instant admirer as the old boy pushed him on the swing, read him stories, and showed him some of the safer wonders of the workshop.

Dinner time came around, and Tommy noticed a little difference about Granddad. "Why don't you have any teeth?" he asked.

Very seriously, my beloved looked at him. "Well, you see, I was born without teeth."

HIG: the new energy source

When my daughter Anina was still a schoolkid, she and I wrote this story together, and entered it in a contest. It won first prize, earning us a solar cooker, which we used every summer for many years. And brag, brag, Anina is now a professor.

HIG is a greenhouse gas, produced globally in huge quantities, thus adding to the deterioration of our life support system. Like emanations from rubbish dumps, it is offensive to most people. Villagers in some cultures go to extreme lengths to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with HIG production. In our own culture, HIG is no longer taboo, but it is treated as the subject of low humor.

HIG has another similarity to rubbish dump gases: it is inflammable. According to Brampton et al. (1984), about 85% of it is methane. Unlike methane from the decomposition of garbage, however, it is produced in a decentralized way. Therefore it has the potential to involve millions of people in doing something for the environment, and earning some money at the same time.

What is HIG?

The initials stand for Human Intestinal Gas. This offensive, embarrassing substance is usable as an additive to other fuel gases. Under proper conditions, it burns to produce carbon dioxide, water and energy.

The collecting device

An existing technology, the flatus tube, can be adapted for collection. As doctors and nurses know, this device is used to relieve the suffering of certain patients. (Flatus is Latin for HIG, which could also be termed FF: Flatus Fuel.) The flatus tube is inserted into the appropriate orifice, allowing free venting of the gas into the air.

The collecting device is simple. It is a flatus tube with a length of flexible hose attached. The hose can be occluded with a stop-cock, and has a balloon glued to its other end. The balloon is worn on a convenient part of the body. When it is sufficiently full, the stop-cock is closed, the tube is withdrawn, washed, disinfected, and inserted into a hole in a storage container. The balloon is squeezed, thereby transferring the HIG to the container.

HIG distribution network

A network of purchasing points is needed. Current gasoline retailing outlets would do admirably. Each would have a large tank into which customers can transfer their collected HIG. It is our suggestion that payment for the gas should be free of income tax, and have no effect on Social Security benefits, in order to encourage this form of environmental action.

Environmental and economic benefits

Poor people would have some additional income, especially since foods thought to induce HIG production are cheap yet healthy. Charities and the like would have a new source of fundraising, e.g., a school could have a collecting tank, and ask supporters to donate their HIG.

A significant reduction in fossil fuel use would result, obviously a great environmental benefit.

Once the environmental and economic benefits of harnessing HIG were seen, the balloon of the collecting device could be proudly displayed: a badge of environmental consciousness. However, it is also easy to disguise the collecting balloon, making it enhance the width of a man's shoulders, the prominence of a woman's curves, even as a short-term phantom pregnancy.

Poor countries could supplement their export earnings by sending their population's HIG to Japan or the USA, or could save precious foreign currency by reducing their energy imports.

Without a doubt, HIG is the fuel of the future. Its use is an admirable example of 'turning bad into good.' It is free to produce, cheap to collect, process and use, and it empowers people.

Reference

Brampton, K. C., Smythe, M. and Brzsyszky, X. W. The Biochemistry of the Digestive Tract, Churchill Livingstone, 1984.

And here is a recipe for a smile:

Breakfast

Getting breakfast is an adventure, when you live in a dangerous world.

It's scary out there.

I peer out of my house.

I see no flying monsters... no stomping giants... no slavering crunchers.

Maybe it's safe for now.

The air is pleasantly warm, with sunlight blessing the plants so I can almost hear them grow. It rained last night, giving everything a beautiful wet sheen.

I look around, still wary. The monsters of many kinds move so fast!

A flyer zooms overhead but keeps going, way too high to see little me. No other danger shows itself, though you never know.

I move out of the shadow of my overnight shelter and look around. Over there is a treasure: a plant with wonderful succulent leaves that will provide me with all the sustenance I need. I go over to it and start to climb. As soon as possible, I move onto the sheltered side, so that if a monster comes, I have a good chance of being hidden.

Happily, I start to eat.

Getting breakfast is an adventure - for a snail.

The next story about two nice youngsters gave me a grin when it emerged from my computer. But also, it has some lessons you might want to think about...

A catch

A gust of wind took my hat cartwheeling along the golden sand.

Out of nowhere, a sun-browned streak sprinted after it. He scooped the hat up, then put it over his heart and gave a theatrical bow.

A thought tickled my mind: Desi my girl, what have you caught?

He jogged back and ceremonially returned the hat. "At thy service, my lady," he said.

I could do the medieval bit, too. "Methinks, sir, thou art too kind."

Surprisingly, his face grew still, like he didn't know what to say. So, to help him, I asked, "You got a name, noble knight?"

"George, but, um, I don't kill dragons. Actually, I find them easier to talk to than gorgeous young ladies."

"I'm Desi. Or on formal occasions, Desiree. That's my father's fault."

"Actually, uh... it's very apt." He blushed. I thought I was supposed to.

I invitingly patted the towel and he sat beside me.

"Tell me more about dragons."

"I've got a problem. This is homework for my psychologist." He stopped, and again went red.

"Hmm?"

He grinned. "That's what he often says, too. Anyway, I'm OK talking with blokes or old dragons. But someone like you, I... um... trip on my tongue."

"So, your homework is to practice on poor maidens in distress?"

"I'm the one in distress. It's to practice on maidens so if I make a fool of myself I never have to return to that place."

"You've been doing fine. Now let me tell you something about me. I've had four boyfriends. The first beat me if he thought I looked at another guy. The other three considered me as a decoration, there for their benefit. I'm not interested in love and romance. What I need is just a friend. So, you don't have to run away."

He smiled. "Me, I'm a lost puppy looking for a home. That's the trouble. Any girl takes me on will have me running after her hat for life. They find that out, and run the other way."

"And what do you do when you're not...