Introduction

Kids will sacrifice love to feel part of a group. Belonging gives them security and identity that they crave.

"Maynard, I need you in room 333!" was the only thing I heard on my walkie-talkie, as a teacher called for administrator assistance.

I walked in to find the teacher at the front of the class, arms crossed, the room at a quiet standstill. Clearly frustrated, she pointed at a student toward the back and loudly said, "If you were at a different school, you would be dragged out of here in handcuffs for acting like this! Get him out of here."

My head snapped toward the teacher, embarrassed that every student had just heard this. I quickly turned my back to the class and, to avoid making her feel called out, softly said, "Do not say that. That will make this harder. What is going on?"

She pointed again at the student, "Gage is refusing to do anything. He needs to leave." Hearing this, the student chuckled and swirled around in his chair, pulling his hood over his head as he texted.

Even as I walked over to his desk, he continued tapping away and would not look at me. I asked him to come out and talk in the hallway. No response.

I edged closer and said, "I really don't know what's going on, but I want to figure it out with you. Come out in the hallway with me."

"Nope," he said nonchalantly.

I could feel the situation was close to escalating. The teacher continued to make provoking comments, and the class was starting to engage. Some students laughed softly, some shook their heads, while others looked the other way in frustration-but the one thing no one was doing was learning.

Turning to Gage, I quietly said, "I'll give you two options, and I really hope you choose the first one. One, you can come out in the hallway and chat with me. I'll give you two minutes to finish what you're doing and meet me there."

Then I offered him the second option with an assertive but calm tone, "Option two isn't going to be fun for either of us, but I'll have to hang out over there until you're ready to leave the class to chat with me," I said, pointing to a corner in the classroom. "But if you go with option two, I will want you to make up the time that you took away from my day."

After more ignoring and swirling in his chair, he held up a "1" with his finger as he continued to text. I said, "Appreciate it. It's 10:30 right now. I'll see you at 10:32 right over there," pointing outside the classroom. I walked past the teacher and said, "I got this, if you want to get your lesson going again." The teacher gave me a drained look. I then walked out into the hallway, where I could still see what was going on but was far enough away not to further antagonize the teacher, the classroom, and him.

Slightly after the two-minute mark, he walked out to join me.

I asked why he had his phone out in class and what was going on. He didn't make eye contact with me or speak much, but he had put his phone in his pocket.

He then said, "Can we go to your office?" I brought him down the hall into my office.

I asked again, "So tell me what's going on?"

He continued to look at the floor and sat quietly for a few minutes before saying, "I'm texting my sister; we have stuff to figure out."

"What type of stuff? Cell phones aren't something you can use in class, even if it's something important."

Gage kept looking down and then softly said, "My mom died."

My heart sank.

He began to open up as we chatted and told me that his mother had tragically died and now he had to make arrangements to live with his slightly older sister. It took every ounce of energy I had not to cry. This young man was navigating one of the most traumatizing events he's ever experienced, and a teacher had just threatened, in front of the entire class with me in the classroom too, to drag him out of a classroom in handcuffs.

Did this excuse him for being noncompliant with the teacher and ignoring her? No.

Did this readjust how I handled this discipline situation? Absolutely.

Gage didn't tell anyone at school what happened to his mother. If he had, as his guidance counselor, I could have created a support plan for when he felt overwhelmed in class. Instead, he chose not to draw attention to himself-he was pursuing the feeling of belonging.

Let's say that if I hadn't come down in time, or hadn't ask questions, that this situation might have gone differently. What if Gage's behavior escalated after hearing the comment about being "dragged out of his classroom in handcuffs" while trying to handle living arrangements and processing the loss of the closest person in his life? What if he flipped over a desk and cussed at the teacher as he walked out of the class? What if he had shouldered another student or even me as he walked out?

Similar situations like this provoke students and escalate the issue, leading to a significant number of students suspended and arrested in schools. This is one of the drivers of the school-to-prison pipeline.

A fact was that Gage was a Black male, and the teacher was white. Implicit bias has been studied and is real. This was a situation that could have changed Gage's life but wouldn't have changed the teacher's life even though she had threatened arrest over a slight disruption.

Many teachers struggle to recognize how implicit bias shapes their own perceptions of students (Breese et al., 2023). I've often also heard teachers say, "I don't know if I have it or not, but I don't want to," and most feel unsure what to do about it. What I've found is that it's most important to recognize that our state of mind strongly influences how much implicit bias "leaks out." When people are stressed, angry, anxious, tired, or emotionally dysregulated, the brain tends to rely more on automatic or unconscious shortcuts. So we must strive to be regulated, even when triggered by a student's behavior. After this teacher reprimanded Gage inappropriately, the first thing I recognized after looking around the room was that several other students were also on their phones.

My goal is for this book to help you navigate the hard, the complex, the unengaged, and the frustrating behaviors that create harm. We will also unpack the science behind behavior together so you understand what is happening in these difficult moments and ways to take action.

We will do this, though, through the lens of empathy. We believe that kids deserve to be heard, seen, and understood as their authentic selves, even when they act out. Throughout this book, you will learn how to create connected relational learning communities, from the classroom to your full school culture. You will learn from experts around the world, recent data, and my lived experiences.

Discipline doesn't have to be painful. Discipline has to teach and focus on seeking to understand what is behind the behavior. What is the driver of the behavior? You don't go to the mechanic with a smoking engine and expect them to only inflate your tires-they seek to find and address the real issue. This is why every chapter will begin with a story that illustrates many of the different challenges you and your students may face in the classroom and the science behind the practices.

My hope is that this book becomes your guide for discipline that holds accountable negative behavior, builds empathy, and helps you strengthen relationships during the process. This book is built around real stories, anonymized to respect everyone involved, to show you honest situations you may have been in yourself or may want to know how to handle in the future.

What's Not Working

Removing students for small negative behaviors from their educational environment does more harm than good. It rocks a student's ability to feel safe in the space, knowing that, at any point, they can be removed again. This is an example of an intentional or unintentional "fear-based" driver. It is also hard for the student to reintegrate into the classroom community after being removed. Data shows that being removed for minor misbehaviors negatively affects students' educational trajectories and often shapes lifelong beliefs about themselves. Research indicates that students who are suspended or expelled are nearly three times more likely to come into contact with the juvenile justice system the following year. These points help us understand why we need progressive accountability consequences in the classroom that teach and seek to understand the driver of the behavior.

When was the last time you were kicked out of a staff meeting for talking too much to another educator or being on your cell phone? I'm guessing never. If you did get kicked out of the staff meeting though, do you think it would be easy to show up next time and act like nothing happened around your colleagues?

Every interaction we have with a student communicates something, whether spoken or unspoken. Removing a student from the classroom can send the message that they don't belong, that they are not capable of mending their mistakes, and that this environment isn't safe for them to bring their full selves. This is the message many punitive practices are sending to our...