Polyamorous Elders
Aging in Open Relationships
1st Edition
Published on 8. November 2022
1 pages
979-8-8818-7910-5 (ISBN)
Description
This book explores the unique group of elders, ages fifty-five and older, who practice some form of consensual nonmonogamy. It covers both the joys and challenges of multiple relationships for elders and explores how their relationships develop and evolve. Polyamorous elders have the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as navigating all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities (their own and/or their partners'); assuming caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives; grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners; retiring from careers and starting new lives; and potentially moving into some form of senior living.
Drawing from her extensive clinical and personal experience working with this population, Kathy Labriola provides anecdotes from polyamorous elders' lives, including the constellation of relationships surrounding each individual, couple, or triad. This guide will help health care and mental health clinicians, researchers, and professionals, as well as polyamorous elders and their loved ones, better understand the concerns and diverse lifestyles of this population to better represent and support them.
Drawing from her extensive clinical and personal experience working with this population, Kathy Labriola provides anecdotes from polyamorous elders' lives, including the constellation of relationships surrounding each individual, couple, or triad. This guide will help health care and mental health clinicians, researchers, and professionals, as well as polyamorous elders and their loved ones, better understand the concerns and diverse lifestyles of this population to better represent and support them.
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12/2022
Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
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Person
Kathy Labriola is a counselor, nurse, and hypnotherapist in a private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to people in nontraditional relationships for the past thirty years, including the polyamorous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She is the author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships, The Jealousy Workbook, and The Polyamory Break-Up Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival. She has been a political activist and a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for fifty years. She is "extra crunchy" and lives in a housing cooperative, where she bikes, raises chickens, and grows organic vegetables. Her personal website is www.kathylabriola.com.
Content
Acknowledgments
Introduction
What Is the Prevalence of Polyamory among Elders?
The "Greatest Generation" and the "Baby Boomers"
Intersectionality and Poly Elders
Studies That Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders
Research Methods
The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders
PART I: WHAT CHALLENGES ARE MOST COMMON FOR POLY GEEZERS?
1 First of All, Sex!
The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Elise
The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers
Joshua's Story
Ginny's Story
Case Study #2: Danilo
Case Study #3: Anastasia
Jesse's Story
Case Study #4: Libby
Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging
Case Study #5: Jake and Nora
Case Study #6: Joseph
Case Study #7: Sita
Marilyn's Story
Case Study #8: Lise
Jana's Story
Being Poly Can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions
Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes
Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim
2 Some Poly People Naturally Shift to Monogamy as They Age
Case Study #1: Mary and Gene
Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart
Case Study #3: Terry and Randy
3 Poly Geezers and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction?
What's Sex Got to Do with It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, but without the Sex!
Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel
Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie
Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael
Case Study #4: LaRonda and Beeandra
4 The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples
Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry
Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar
Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger
Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre
Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam
The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women
Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono-Poly Relationship
Case Study #6: Shirley
Case Study # 7: Hazel
A Few Other Older Women's "Short Takes" on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships
5 Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids
Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie
Case Study #2: Jon
6 Older People Who Were "Poly before Polyamory Was Invented"
Case Study #1: Harry and Hope
Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff
Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino
Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal
7 Conflicts over a Partner's Adult Children and/or Grandchildren
Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim
Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger
PART II: RETIREMENT AND ITS EFFECTS ON POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS
8 When One Partner Is Already Retired and Another Partner Eventually Retires
Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja
Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen
9 When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners Are Still Working
Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita
Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue
10 Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers Are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management
Danny's Story
Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills
John's Story
Case Study #1: Blanche
Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha
Are Elders Good at Polyamory or Is Polyamory Good for Elders?
11 Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities
Ricardo and Maria's Story
Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad
PART III: WHEN POLY ELDERS WANT (OR NEED) TO MOVE INTO SENIOR LIVING FACILITIES
12 Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing
Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy
Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell
Case Study #3: Miriam
Stan and Martin's Story
Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie
13 What Are the Options for Polys in Senior Living?
Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron?
Elder Care Professionals' Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities
Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities
Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray
Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki
Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option
PART IV: POLY GEEZERS COPING WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS AND DISABILITIES
14 The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships
Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona
Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships
Katie's Story
Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan
Tanika and Katherine's Story
Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art
Paul's Story
Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie
15 Caregiving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives
"Younger Elders" with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents
Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia
Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue
Remi's Story
No "One Right Answer" to Caring for Elderly Parents
Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank
Case Study #4: Robbie
Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving
16 Advantages of Polyamory through Caregiving, Death, and Mourning
Kate, Gustav, and Phillip's Story
17 Twenty-First-Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID-19
How Are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19?
Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris
The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID-19
Case Study #2: Myrna
Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie
Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June
Marlene and Mary's Story
Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris
Anita's Story
Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley
Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic
Blythe's Story
Sumati Sparks' Pandemic Dating Advice
Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina
Internet Dating May Morph into Dating in Real Life
Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee
18 Poly Mutual Aid: Elders' Polycules Come through for Them during the Pandemic
Rashida's Story
Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara
Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from Their Polycules
Case Study #2: Lei
Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan
Poly Elders' Experience with Grief and Loss during the Pandemic
Liliana's Story
Parting Words on the COVID-19 Pandemic and Poly Elders
PART V: POLYAMORY AND THE DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS OF AGING
19 What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?
Case Study #1: Hans and Meg
20 Poly Geezers Creating a New Life "Postcareer and Postkids"
Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise
21 "Life Review" as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola
Cole's Story
Case Study #2: Debbie
22 Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality
Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela
Case Study #2: Alonzo
Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John
Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie
Poly Elders' Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging
23 Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families
Advance Health Care Directives
Durable Power of Attorney
Wills
Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys
Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship
Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care
Marta's Story
Poly Elders Need to Talk about "The Three Ds": Disability, Death, and Divorce
24 A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study
Bibliography: Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory
Compiled by Sonia Song
References
Index
About the Author
Introduction
What Is the Prevalence of Polyamory among Elders?
The "Greatest Generation" and the "Baby Boomers"
Intersectionality and Poly Elders
Studies That Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders
Research Methods
The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders
PART I: WHAT CHALLENGES ARE MOST COMMON FOR POLY GEEZERS?
1 First of All, Sex!
The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Elise
The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers
Joshua's Story
Ginny's Story
Case Study #2: Danilo
Case Study #3: Anastasia
Jesse's Story
Case Study #4: Libby
Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging
Case Study #5: Jake and Nora
Case Study #6: Joseph
Case Study #7: Sita
Marilyn's Story
Case Study #8: Lise
Jana's Story
Being Poly Can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions
Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes
Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim
2 Some Poly People Naturally Shift to Monogamy as They Age
Case Study #1: Mary and Gene
Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart
Case Study #3: Terry and Randy
3 Poly Geezers and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction?
What's Sex Got to Do with It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, but without the Sex!
Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel
Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie
Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael
Case Study #4: LaRonda and Beeandra
4 The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples
Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry
Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar
Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger
Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre
Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam
The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women
Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono-Poly Relationship
Case Study #6: Shirley
Case Study # 7: Hazel
A Few Other Older Women's "Short Takes" on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships
5 Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids
Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie
Case Study #2: Jon
6 Older People Who Were "Poly before Polyamory Was Invented"
Case Study #1: Harry and Hope
Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff
Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino
Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal
7 Conflicts over a Partner's Adult Children and/or Grandchildren
Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim
Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger
PART II: RETIREMENT AND ITS EFFECTS ON POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS
8 When One Partner Is Already Retired and Another Partner Eventually Retires
Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja
Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen
9 When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners Are Still Working
Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita
Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue
10 Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers Are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management
Danny's Story
Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills
John's Story
Case Study #1: Blanche
Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha
Are Elders Good at Polyamory or Is Polyamory Good for Elders?
11 Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities
Ricardo and Maria's Story
Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad
PART III: WHEN POLY ELDERS WANT (OR NEED) TO MOVE INTO SENIOR LIVING FACILITIES
12 Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing
Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy
Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell
Case Study #3: Miriam
Stan and Martin's Story
Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie
13 What Are the Options for Polys in Senior Living?
Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron?
Elder Care Professionals' Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities
Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities
Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray
Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki
Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option
PART IV: POLY GEEZERS COPING WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS AND DISABILITIES
14 The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships
Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona
Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships
Katie's Story
Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan
Tanika and Katherine's Story
Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art
Paul's Story
Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie
15 Caregiving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives
"Younger Elders" with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents
Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia
Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue
Remi's Story
No "One Right Answer" to Caring for Elderly Parents
Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank
Case Study #4: Robbie
Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving
16 Advantages of Polyamory through Caregiving, Death, and Mourning
Kate, Gustav, and Phillip's Story
17 Twenty-First-Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID-19
How Are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19?
Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris
The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID-19
Case Study #2: Myrna
Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie
Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June
Marlene and Mary's Story
Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris
Anita's Story
Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley
Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic
Blythe's Story
Sumati Sparks' Pandemic Dating Advice
Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina
Internet Dating May Morph into Dating in Real Life
Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee
18 Poly Mutual Aid: Elders' Polycules Come through for Them during the Pandemic
Rashida's Story
Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara
Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from Their Polycules
Case Study #2: Lei
Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan
Poly Elders' Experience with Grief and Loss during the Pandemic
Liliana's Story
Parting Words on the COVID-19 Pandemic and Poly Elders
PART V: POLYAMORY AND THE DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS OF AGING
19 What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?
Case Study #1: Hans and Meg
20 Poly Geezers Creating a New Life "Postcareer and Postkids"
Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise
21 "Life Review" as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola
Cole's Story
Case Study #2: Debbie
22 Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality
Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela
Case Study #2: Alonzo
Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John
Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie
Poly Elders' Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging
23 Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families
Advance Health Care Directives
Durable Power of Attorney
Wills
Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys
Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship
Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care
Marta's Story
Poly Elders Need to Talk about "The Three Ds": Disability, Death, and Divorce
24 A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study
Bibliography: Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory
Compiled by Sonia Song
References
Index
About the Author
