May 9, 2015

My dearest Embryo,

I already told some of my girlfriends that I've decided to write you letters and am thinking about publishing them. They all like the idea.

You know, writing to you means so many things all at the same time. To me you're a bit like a small child's imaginary friend, a bit like a connection to the world of the dead, the unborn, from some other dimension, you're a bit the expression of my responsibility to bear you, which indeed is not toward other people, but toward myself and God. You also have a bit of a therapeutic effect on me, since this is after all some kind of diary.

The last time I wrote to you, I cried my heart out. I was tired the whole day afterward, my eyes were swollen and I wanted to sleep. But when that passed, I felt a lot better. That's why I've decided to write you regularly. Even if the letters are unable to resolve your fate, I'll write for the beneficial effect writing has on me.

Wait while I put the last coat of nail polish on my toenails.

Done! Painting nails is the best thing to do before typing on the computer for at least two hours. The polish has time to dry and the nails are perfect. It's just the thing to do before writing to you.

Recently I've started dressing better and fixing myself up. I even bought a few skirts and put on makeup every day. And I have my hair blow dried once a week at the beauty parlor. My energy has completely changed. I feel that I'm closer to a new phase in life. It turns out that people are right when they say everything starts with a woman's new hairstyle. Maybe that will be true with me in the coming period.

Lately I've noticed some new thoughts regarding the direction my life is taking. I keep tossing about, analyzing and elucidating various arguments in my head. That's nothing new for me. My thoughts are even on the same topics. Only the conclusions have started to take a turn.

After the divorce I wanted to have a baby right away. I was in the throes of the time when I really wanted to become a mother and sacrificed a lot for that to happen. When that failed with your papa, I wanted to replace him immediately with someone who'd fulfill my yearnings for motherhood and a family.

That replacement, however, didn't come along as planned. Your papa and I grew up together. We started dating back in high school. You should know that he was the class heartthrob! But he had a thousand flaws and because of them today I wouldn't give him a second look even in my wildest dreams. Over time I slowly got to know those flaws and gradually accepted them one by one. Later I was able to live with them, they were somehow mine. As long as my goal was to have a baby and family with him, it was easy to live with those flaws. After all, I'd grown up with them, right?

It's a lot different with new men. Particularly if you enter into a relationship before a deeper emotional bond has formed. Their flaws aren't something that goes without saying and are accepted as a matter of course. They poke you in the eye, are offensive and irritating. Only a few months are needed in a new relationship or friendship for me to clearly see that the man next to me will not be the father of my child. First, because I don't want the double of someone whose flaws poke the eye, irritate and offend. And second, I want to give myself the chance for a lasting relationship where my child's future is bound to a man I consider worthy of being present in my daily life, receiving all the love I intend to offer. And I will for sure, as soon as I find him.

After marriage with your papa, I have yet to fall in love again. Who knows whether I ever will. People say, of course I'll fall in love, I'm too young for such pronouncements, love appears at the age of thirty and forty, and even fifty. I'd really like to fall in love, of course. Even unrelated to the topic of children.

Since the plan to quickly replace one husband with another fell through, I've made up my mind not to get married by hook or by crook, with great compromises, and will remain unattached while waiting for true love, a relationship that will be substantial and close enough that I won't feel there's anything false about the man. Nevertheless, it's more than clear to me that such a goal entails time and uncertainty. Who knows whether it will come true, and even if it does, no specific time can be determined in which it could or will be reached. That means no one can say whether I'll ever get married again. And if I do get married, it might not happen, let's say, until I'm fifty. Or it might be next year, God willing, but we don't know that.

The fact is, taking such a view also changes how I think about other things, outside the realm of love. About work, for example. When I thought I could easily find a replacement for your papa and return to the role of wife, and later mother, the plan was to find a job in a company where I could work a little less, even if it meant earning a little less. That makes sense, so I'd have more time to raise a baby.

The plan succeeded. I changed jobs and indeed work a lot less. It turned out that now I earn even a little more than before. It's a lot more than I need for a nice life, but still a lot less than I could earn, for example, as a freelance consultant. In that case, not only would I earn more with less effort, I'd also have a greater degree of freedom and flexibility than working fulltime in a corporation. And it would be more exciting and dynamic. I'd change clients all the time and thus meet new people more often and generate new business and practical experience.

My current job isn't bad either: easygoing, gives me enough free time to work on myself, enables all kinds of promotions, learning new technology and languages. It makes sense being here, assuming that I'll soon go on maternity leave and afterwards will have a good position to return to. And enough time for the baby when it's born.

That would be a good plan if the baby existed. That baby could be you, if I decide to have you sooner or later. This company is a good choice for such a life. Except that I still don't have a baby, and don't have a husband either.

I'm sacrificing a lot on the professional and person level for the possibility of motherhood that's still very uncertain.

Staying with my current company for a while was a good move. It provides balance, the time and security I needed to pull myself together after my former job where I was truly exhausted from too much overtime and traveling. This job also gives me room to work on my emotional recovery after the divorce.

But now, if I decide to wait a bit before giving birth to you, changing jobs on the way to freelance consulting might be a good idea. After all, I'll need both time and money if I do or don't become a mother. I'll certainly need security.

The question is: if I can, why not?

If I were to receive such an offer right now, I just might accept it. Springtime brings energy for new projects and adventure.

I took a personality test on the internet. It turns out I'm a leader, a protagonist. I belong to the type of brave adventurers, compassionate people. I'm inclined to adventure, constantly questioning and learning about myself, my goals and limits. Today I had my aura read and it was orange, which corresponds to the results of the personality test.

The fact that people give me nicknames, such as Bigwig, seems not to be quite by chance. That's my essence. My aura says so: sent by God to push the boundaries, to tell other people how things should be done, to stand up to everyone for everything, a winner. They gave Genghis Khan as an example. They say the aura of all these directors and ministers is primarily yellow, not orange. The main difference is that yellow backs down before higher authority and orange scarcely backs down before anyone. That's our nature.

Well, now, how does this fact help in finding a husband!? Not very much, I suppose. It might be that a female Genghis Khan isn't exactly a sexual or romantic fantasy for most men. But I am what I am. I shouldn't pretend to be something I'm not, someone might like me that way, and my fate might lie in something quite different from love with a man.

Men look at me a lot. At second glance, I'm not right for many of them. To be honest, neither are they for me quite often. They say my aura sometimes gets along well with others who are like me. And apparently I have an open crown chakra, contact with God. They say it's rare, particularly for orange.

Maybe that's why I'm writing you letters. Contact with God, the other world, the unborn.

Someone normal would say, "What are you talking about? What other worlds, what God and obligation toward the embryo? Find yourself a normal husband for a normal family and stop the nonsense. Don't write letters to embryos and don't treat something in a test tube like a person. Naïve little fool, you'll ruin your life because of fantasies like that!" Someone normal would say that and they might easily be right!

When they read my aura, they also told me that I have the capacity to be a healer. It doesn't have to be healing by laying on hands, it could be painting a picture or writing a book that would...