
Chocolate and Cuckoo Clocks
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Alan Coren was one of contemporary Britain's most prolific humorists. Over his forty-year career, Coren wrote comic and satirical pieces for The New Yorker, The Times, Observer, Tatler, Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday, and Punch, and published more than twenty books including The Sanity Inspector, Golfing for Cats and The Collected Bulletins of Idi Amin. This anthology draws together the best of Coren's previously published material as well as never-before-published autobiographical material.
In these pages, you will find the queen at a loose end playing I-Spy, QPR fans arguing at the cheese counter, prank phone calls to Mao Tse-Tung, the Roman tax collector Glutinus Sinus dealing with the mud-caked Britons, Gatling guns, an Italian driving school, herons, hearing aids, hosepipe bans, talking parrots... Welcome to the wonderful world of the late, great Alan Coren!
"Truly funny." -Stephen Fry, actor, producer, director, and author of The Hippopotamus
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Content
- Intro
- Chocolate And Cuckoo Clocks
- Title Page
- Table of Contents
- Foreword
- Chapter One: Present Laughter
- Southgate-San Francisco-Fleet Street
- Introduction
- Chapter Two: No, But I Saw The Movie
- Chapter Three: Through A Glass, Darkly
- Chapter Four: It Tolls For Thee
- Chapter Five: . That Fell On The House That Jack Built
- Chapter Six: Under The Influence Of Literature
- Chapter Seven: This Thing With The Lions
- Chapter Eight: Bohemia
- Chapter Nine: The Power And The Glory
- Chapter Ten: Mao, He's Making Eyes At Me!
- Chapter Eleven: Death Duties
- 'The Funniest Writer In Britain Today'
- Introduction
- Chapter Twelve: Boom, What Makes My House Go Boom?
- Chapter Thirteen: Suffer Little Children
- Chapter Fourteen: Ear, Believed Genuine Van Gogh, Hardly Used, What Offers?
- Chapter Fifteen: Father's Lib
- Chapter Sixteen: Let Us Now Phone Famous Men
- Chapter Seventeen: The Rime Of The Ancient Film-Maker
- Chapter Eighteen: Good God, That's Never The Time, Is It?
- Chapter Nineteen: Going Cheep
- Chapter Twenty: Go Easy, Mr Beethoven, That Was Your Fifth!
- Chapter Twenty-One: Take The Wallpaper In The Left Hand And The Hammer In The Right .
- Chapter Twenty-Two: Owing To Circumstances Beyond Our Control Has Been Unavoidably Detained .
- Chapter Twenty-Three: Foreword To Golfing For Cats: An Apology To The Bookseller
- Chapter Twenty-Four: Baby Talk, Keep Talking Baby Talk
- Chapter Twenty-Five: The Hell At Pooh Corner
- Chapter Twenty-Six: And Though They Do Their Best To Bring Me Aggravation .
- Chapter Twenty-Seven: Life Mit Vater
- Chapter Twenty-Eight: Dr No Will See You Now
- Chapter Twenty-Nine: Bottle Party
- Chapter Thirty: The Unacknowledged Legislators Of The World
- Chapter Thirty-One: The Hounds Of Spring Are On Winter's Traces, So That's Thirty-Eight-Pounds-Forty, Plus Making Good, Say, Fifty-Quid
- Appendix
- Chapter Thirty-Two: All O' De People, All De Time
- Chapter Thirty-Three: A Word F'Om De Sponsor
- Chapter Thirty-Four: De Whitehall Snub
- Chapter Thirty-Five: A Star Gittin' Born
- Introduction
- The Golden Age
- Chapter Thirty-Six: Tax Britannica
- Chapter Thirty-Seven: Blue Flics
- Chapter Thirty-Eight: Smiling Through
- Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Gospel According To St Durham
- Chapter Forty: O Little Town Of Cricklewood
- Chapter Forty-One: Just A Gasp At Twilight
- Chapter Forty-Two: For Fear Of Finding Something Worse
- Chapter Forty-Three: Mr Noon
- Chapter Forty-Four: No Bloody Fear
- Chapter Forty-Five: Getting The Hump
- Chapter Forty-Six: True Snails Read (Anag., 8,6)
- Chapter Forty-Seven: One Is One And All Alone
- Chapter Forty-Eight: £10.66 And All That
- Chapter Forty-Nine: Red Sales In The Sunset
- Chapter Fifty: Cave Canem
- A.A. Gill
- The Cricklewood Years
- Chapter Fifty-One: Here We Go Round The Prickly Pear
- Chapter Fifty-Two: Uneasy Lies The Head
- Chapter Fifty-Three: Salt In The Wound
- Chapter Fifty-Four: Good God, That's Never The Time? (2)
- Chapter Fifty-Five: Japanese Sandmen
- Chapter Fifty-Six: Card Index
- Chapter Fifty-Seven: Brightly Shone The Rain That Night
- Chapter Fifty-Eight: Tuning Up
- Chapter Fifty-Nine: The Queen, My Lord, Is Quite Herself, I Fear
- Chapter Sixty: The Green Hills Of Cricklewood
- Chapter Sixty-One: Making Old Bones
- Chapter Sixty-Two: Osric The Hedgehog
- Chapter Sixty-Three: Doom'D For A Certain Term To Walk The Night
- Chapter Sixty-Four: Garden Pests
- Chapter Sixty-Five: Time For A Quick One?
- Chapter Sixty-Six: The Leaving Of Cricklewood
- Chapter Sixty-Seven: Lo, Yonder Waves The Fruitful Palm!
- Chapter Sixty-Eight: Fabric Conditioning
- Chapter Sixty-Nine: Numbers Racket
- Chapter Seventy: Eight Legs Worse
- Chapter Seventy-One: Do Dilly-Dally On The Way
- Chapter Seventy-Two: On A Wing And A Prayer
- Chapter Seventy-Three: And Did Those Feet?
- Chapter Seventy-Four: Nothing But The Truth
- The Last Decade
- Stephen Fry
- Chapter Seventy-Five: Radio Fun
- Chapter Seventy-Six: Not My Bag
- Chapter Seventy-Seven: Queening It
- Chapter Seventy-Eight: Domestic Drama
- Chapter Seventy-Nine: Road Rage
- Chapter Eighty: Southern Discomfort
- Chapter Eighty-One: Poles Apart
- Chapter Eighty-Two: All Quiet On The Charity Front
- Chapter Eighty-Three: Ah, Yes, I Remember It Well!
- Chapter Eighty-Four: I Blame The Dealers
- Chapter Eighty-Five: The Long Goodbye
- Copyright
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