1 EROTICA 1

"J??k," Julia said m? name, wh?l? tr??ng t? gr?b my h?nd. "She ?t?ll n??d? t? take a ????nd t??t. Th?? ?n? m?ght b? wrong." H?r w?rd? b?r?l? registered ?n my mind. I needed fresh ??r to br??th?. I slipped out ?f h?r gr??, ?nd ?tumbl?d d?wn th? stairs, ?nd ?u?h?d ???n th? fr?nt d??r ?nd into th? ?lr??d? n?n?t? d?gr?? h??t. I f?n?ll? ???m?d ?bl? t? br??th? a l?ttl?, and wh?n I ??m? t? myself, I was sitting b?h?nd th? wh??l ?f my m?m'? Cadillac E???l?d?; w?th the engine started, and th? air ??nd?t??n?ng bl??t?ng ?n m? f???. I ?h?ft?d ?nt? reverse, turn?d ?r?und, ?nd rumbl?d d?wn the l?ng d?rt driveway.

I had n? ?d?? wh?r? I was g??ng, I ju?t kn?w th?t I had t? g?t ?w?? fr?m h?r? for a wh?l?, and process ?ll th?t was h????n?ng ?n??d? m? h??d. I back tr??k?d th? r?ut? fr?m Rub?'? t? th? fr??w??. I ??w a hug? ??rk before I got t? th? fr??w??, and d???d?d that ?t w?uld be a l?t safer to w?lk ?r?und th? ??rk and th?nk, r?th?r th?n dr?v?ng ?r?und ?n m? fr?nt?? ?t?t? ?f m?nd. I ?ull?d ?nt? a ??rk?ng space, gr?bb?d my ?h?n?, ?nd hopped out of th? SUV. I w?lk?d ?r?und the l?ng b?k? tr??l a couple of t?m??, sweating thr?ugh m? t-shirt; but my th?ught? were g??ng ?n ??r?l?? as ?ur? as m? b?d? w??.

I sat d?wn ?n a b?n?h, ?nd closed my ????. I heard two k?d? ?h?ut?ng as they ?l???d. I ???n?d m? ???? u? ?nd w?t?h?d th?m. They l??k?d t? b? about ages three ?nd four. On? w?? a boy, and th? ?th?r w?? a girl, ?nd th??r m?th?r h?v?r?d n??r them as th?? played on a toddler sized jungle g?m. Sh? l??k?d t? b? ?n h?r ??rl? tw?nt???. Th? kids w?r? playing a g?m? th?t I ??uldn't b?g?n t? und?r?t?nd. I wondered if th?t'? h?w my k?d would b? ?n a few years; K?t?? ?nd Jul?? ??tt?ng ?t the ??rk, watching h?, ?r ?h? ?l??. It f?ll?d m? w?th dread, but ?t the ??m? time ?t made me h????. I was g??ng t? b? a dad, ?nd th? w?m?n that I loved m??t ?n this w?rld was g??ng t? b? th? mother of my child. Y??, th?r? w?uld b? ?l?nt? ?f obstacles th?t w? will have to ?v?r??m?; but ?n? w?? or ?n?th?r, in ?n?th?r eight m?nth?, K?t?? ?nd I would b? ??r?nt?. I l??n?d b??k, and t??k a d??? cleansing br??th, let it out, ?nd t??k ?n?th?r.

A thought ???urr?d t? m?. Ev?r ??n?? my v???t??n, I h?v? been only sharing m? problems with my ???t?r, and Julia. Maybe ?t w?? t?m? f?r m? t? get a fr??h ??r????t?v?. I ???k?d u? m? ?h?n?, ?nd ??r?ll?d m? ??nt??t? f?r my b??t friend, Mur?h?. H? had m?v?d t? Sterling Heights from P?tt?burgh wh?n w? were b?th ?n th? ??ghth gr?d?. He w?? a very easy going gu?, ?nd we became quick friends. If ?n??n? w?uld b? receptive t? th? craziness that w?? h????n?ng ?n m? l?f? it would b? Mur?h. H? w?? level h??d?d, ?nd w? w?r? ?lm??t l?k? brothers; w?ll, m??b? ?l??? cousins. I h?t the ??ll ???n. It r?ng f?ur t?m??, and th?n ?t w?nt t? v????m??l. I l?ft h?m a short message: "Murph, when you g?t th?? g?v? me a ??ll. I h?v? ??m?th?ng serious th?t I need to t?lk to ??m?b?d? about, ?nd ??u ?r? m? best friend, so give m? a ??ll b??k." I hope that d?dn't sound too fr?nt??. I am n?t th? k?nd of person wh? d???nd? ?n ?th?r people t? help w?th m? problems. I gu??? I g?t ?ll that ??lf-r?l??nt bull?h?t from m? dad. When I pushed th? end ??ll ???n, I n?t???d th?t I h?d a v????m??l. Th?t'? ?tr?ng?, I d?n't ?v?n r?m?mb?r h??r?ng m? phone r?ng?ng ?n the w?? h?r?. I clicked th? icon, and it d??l?d m? v????m??l. Th? voice ?n th? other end ???d th?t I had three n?w m????g??. The f?r?t ?l???d.

"Wh?t the fu?k, J??k?" It w?? Jul??, and she ??und?d r??ll? ?????d. "Sh? t?k?? the t??t, and ??u run ?ut ?f h?r? l?k? ??u ?r? ?n f?r?. Ar? ??u fu?k?ng crazy? Sh? ?? crying h??t?r???ll?, ?nd has l??k?d h?r??lf ?n th? bathroom. Gr??t fucking job, dumbass! Y?u n??d to get your ?h?t t?g?th?r, and th?n ??m? ?nd t?lk t? h?r, or I will personally k??k your b?ll? ?nt? ?rb?t." The m????g? ended, ?nd th? next m????g? ?t?rt?d.

"J??k, h?n??, th?? is mom. Ar? you ok? Y?u ran ?ut ?f th? h?u??, ?nd dr?v? down th? dr?v?w?? l?k? a bat ?ut of hell. I d?n't mind you b?rr?w?ng th? car, but I w?uld ?t l???t ???r????t? ??u telling m? th?t you ?r? taking ?t. C?ll m? and l?t me know th?t ??u are ?k." M?m didn't ??und ?????d, she ju?t ??und?d w?rr??d. Th? third message started.

"H?? br?." It w?? m? ??u??n T?mm?. "I saw ??u fl? out ?f h?r?, ?nd I f?gur?d that ??n only m??n ?n? thing; ??u h?v? ?r?bl?m?. I'm here t? t?lk if you need anything. Get ?t m?, ?uz." Th? final m????g? f?d?d, ?nd I d?dn't b?th?r d?l?t?ng any of them. I g?t ?nt? th? text ??r??n, ?nd ??nt m? m?m a t?xt ???l?g?z?ng f?r not ??k?ng f?r?t, ?nd letting h?r kn?w that I w?? ?k; and then I t?xt?d K?t??.

M?: K?t??, I l?v? ??u m?r? th?n l?f? itself. I ju?t had t? catch m? breath. Th?? ?? b?g n?w?, ?nd w? w?ll f?gur? th?? out t?g?th?r. How ??uld h?v?ng a child with th? woman th?t I love n?t be a g??d th?ng? I'm ??rr? th?t I freaked. I w?ll be h?m? ?n a little while. I l?v? ??u. Please don't ?r?.

Then I went into m? ??nt??t?, ?nd called T?mm?. H? ???k?d u? ?n th? th?rd r?ng.

"Hey, Jackie! Are ??u ?k? Some ?r?z? shit ?? going d?wn here, ?nd I f?gur? th?t you mu?t b? ?n ?n ?t."

"I'm f?n?, T?m." I l??k?d ?r?und f?r a ??gn, and found ?n?. "I'm ?t Clairmont P?rk, d?wn t?w?rd the ?x?r???w??." He n?v?r even m????d a b??t b?f?r? h? answered.

"D? you w?nt m? t? come down? Y?u ??und l?k? you ??uld u?? a fr??nd t? talk t?."

"Y??h, Tommy. Th?t would b? gr??t. What's going ?n there?"

"I'll t?ll ??u wh?n I g?t th?r?. It w?ll take t?n ?r f?ft??n m?nut??." I ??uld h?v? sworn th?t I drove f?r an h?ur to g?t h?r?. I guess th?t I'm lu?k? th?t I d?dn't wrap th? SUV ?r?und a telephone ??l?. "S?? ??u in a f?w, bro." H? hung u?, ?nd took a d??? breath. H?d?ng th? truth, ?nd lying t? everyone sounded ???? in th??r?, but ?t ??u??d me a l?t ?f stress. N?w I w?ll f?n?ll? b? ?bl? t? l?t ??m??n? know th? truth. My h??rt felt l?ght?r ?t th? ?r?????t ?f ?h?r?ng; but I also f?lt dr??d ?t wh?t h?? r???t??n w?uld be. Would h? b? h?rr?f??d, or would h? und?r?t?nd? I had n? way of kn?w?ng, without unburd?n?ng m???lf t? him. In wh?t ???m?d like n? t?m?, T?mm?'? ??lv?r T???t? Camry swung into th? ??rk?ng ????? n?xt t? m? mom's white Cadillac. H? w?lk?d th? ??xt? f??t ?v?r t? the bench, and sat down n?xt t? m?.

"S? what ?? g??ng on ?t th? h?u???" I ??k?d. I ?lr??d? kn?w wh?t th? ?n?w?r w?uld b?.

"Your ???t?r had locked h?r??lf in the bathroom, ?nd w?? crying l?k? a b?b? wh? ju?t g?t spanked f?r the f?r?t time."

"Oh." It w?? like he had ?un?h?d m? in the gut. It was g?tt?ng hard t? br??th? ?g??n.

"Jul?? was tr??ng to k??? ??ur parents fr?m f?nd?ng out, but I think that your mom h?d g?t ?nv?lv?d by th? t?m? th?t I l?ft. If ?n? and one ?t?ll ?dd u? t? two, th?t m??n? that h?r ?r??ng, and ??u ?t?rm?ng ?ff ?r? r?l?t?d." I winced ?t th? w?rd "r?l?t?d."

"Yeah, Tommy, th?t ?? a ??f? b?t. If I t?ll ??u something, w?ll you tr? not t? freak ?ut?"

"Y?u m??n ??m?th?ng l?k? th? fact th?t you ?nd Jul?? ?nu?k out l??t night to h?v? ??x b?h?nd the barn?" Th?? t?t?ll? floored me.

"H?w d? ??u kn?w th?t?"

"Easy," he ???d w?th a smug grin, "I f?ll?w?d you to ??? what ??u w?r? u? t?. I mu?t ???, th?t w?? not what I ?x???t?d t? h????n. I th?ught ??u two were going out there t? ?m?k? a j??nt, ?r ??m?th?ng. I almost w?lk?d u?, and asked ?f I could h?t ?t too, wh?n she ?t?rt?d r????ng ?ff h?r ?l?th??. I backed u?, ?nd d???d?d t? b? nosy, ?nd see h?w far th?ng? w?nt."

"S?..." I ???d, l?m?l?. I couldn't th?nk what ?l?? t? say. W? h?d b??n flat ?ut bu?t?d ?n th? ??t.

"Look, Jack, what ??u two d? is ??ur ?wn business. You ?r? b?th ?dult?, ?nd it looked l?k? you gu?? were r??ll? ?nt? ?t, so wh? am I t? judg?? I t?k? ?t that th?? ?? th? r????n th?t...