Mock the Week's Only Book You'll Ever Need

Mock the Week is back, with the perfect gift for anyone interested in Life, the Universe and childish smut. Whether you're eight* or eighty*, this is the only guide to life that you'll ever need. Includes:

Bad Things to Hear in a Maternity Ward: 'In an attempt to empathise with my wife, I want you to ram this pineapple up my backside.'

Unlikely Greetings Cards: Sorry to hear about your mother. (On the plus side, you can afford that new house, now.)

Bad Things to Shout During Sex: 'Did you hear that? Did they just say England are 81 for 5?'

Unlikely Things to Read on a Gravestone: Fell asleep on 16 August 2004. Unfortunately whilst driving a truck on the M5.

Unlikely School Report Cards: Dear Mr and Mrs Johnson, Boris is a very popular and intelligent boy who should go far, just as long as he's not put in charge of anything complex.

*Probably best not to give this book to an eight-year-old. **Or an eighty-year-old, for that matter.