In my practice I have seen thousands of patients with varying degrees of flexibility, fitness and pain. In the process I have developed a simple test to determine the integrity of the human torso. Actually, it's better than that. It can tell if you have a strong enough back to be a titillating sexual partner. It can also tell you if someone else has a strong enough back to be an optimum sexual partner for you. Aside from the fact that my test can help millions of people in the age-old search for good old sex, passing my little test is everyone's goal. I call this test The Sisy Squat Sex Test.
Anyone who has worked out in a weight room knows the maneuver called the sissy squat, whereby, with a weight plate held to your chest, you bend your knees while rising up on your toes, and slowly lower yourself toward the floor until your buttocks almost touch your heels. Then straighten your legs and repeat. I have created a version of this maneuver that tests the characteristics necessary in the making of a strong and pain-free spine that I call "The Sisy Squat Sex Test". The word "Sisy" is not taken from the word sissy squat. It is derived from Sisyphus, the Greek King of Corinth - more about him in a minute. The Sisy Squat Sex Test can be used as a self-examination tool (if you're brave enough to self-test), secondly, as a conversation piece (a slick little ice-breaker), or thirdly, to determine if a potential partner is worthy of an invitation back to your place (a deal breaker). Just drop a hanky (i.e., ask them to do The Sex Test) and see how they perform. Your sexy specimens will never know about your wicked intentions unless you tell them.
Why do we like self-examination tests? Why do we get tempted to test ourselves so easily? Every magazine has a variation on the Cosmo Quiz, and everyone I know completes them. Yet, rarely does anyone do anything to take the next step toward self-improvement. Furthermore, I have not known anyone to actually take the time to complete a "How Bad is Your Back?" self-test questionnaire, let alone follow through with its recommendations. Why would they? How many people do you know who would be motivated to make sure their "L5-S1 complex was mechanically intact without particular dysfunctions or myofascial strain"? I think we both know that answer.
In spite of our inherent reluctance to use the advice of the self-help questionnaire, we are still very curious about self-help scores. Finding out if you're a speed freak, cliff-walker, drifter, worrywart, or control freak is only useful if it puts you at ease to know that you're just like everyone else! We all want to know if we "fit in."
The other day, my son's friend Omar asked me to take Maxim Magazine's S.A.T. (Sexual Aptitude Test), designed to determine if you know the "ins and outs" of sex. He handed me a pencil, the magazine, and a folded piece of paper with his own answers on the other side. For a moment I panicked. What if I wasn't up to snuff? What if he actually scored higher than me? What would my son think of his dad, author of Sexy Back? Luckily, Omar muttered a dare that brought me to my senses.
His score? Between 1,080 and 1,270, which meant, according to Maxim, he had "clearly had some direct experience with sex, or he could afford explicit magazines and internet clubs." My score? On the cusp of the highest possible score: 1,480. Thank goodness! I was relieved until I read Maxim's comment: "What's it like to be me? A big f*@#-ing liar? What's the real score, chump?" I went from a high-scoring stud to a dud in a millisecond, which brings us to the other major problem with self-tests (particularly ones found in men's glossies): most self-tests mean nothing. Most self-tests prove nothing.
My test, on the other hand, is not useless. The Sisy Squat Sex Test works and in a minute I'll show you how to do it, and soon you too will victimize many innocent people by getting them to unknowingly reveal how their bedroom performance rates. Why is my test not useless? It is both a test and an exam! It is pass or fail and there is no possibility of cheating. In the battle of the sexes it is the perfect measure of whether or not the duel of love is worth the bother.
Here are my top five reasons why my sex test is a valuable clinical commodity for both your social life and your sex life:
Time Management: Who's got time to waste when the target is standing two feet away and it's five minutes to last call? Egad... and you're still not sure?
Lie Detector Test: The Sisy Squat Sex Test is an excellent yet unobtrusive way to see if the braggart is all he claims to be.
Vanity and Self Discoveries: Performing The Sisy Squat Sex Test in the privacy of your bedroom provides a terrific indicator to measure the successes of your Sexy Back program. The Sisy Squat Sex Test is a before, during, and after success-measuring tool.
Group Therapy: Share your Sisy Squat Sex Test magic trick with your friends. I guarantee it will keep them talking and, for more than a few of them, crying.
Scare Tactics: Use the Sex Test to scare them off! Dare any potential lover or pest to try it. It'll weed out the weenies. But be careful, you might start reconsidering the pests if they pass the test with flying colors.
One more bit of exposition before we get to the nitty-gritty of The Sisy Squat Sex Test:
YOU DON'T KNOW SQUAT: A BEDTIME STORY BY UNCLE MICHEL
Once upon a time, there lived a King of Corinth called Sisyphus (Sis-i-fus), who was known to be the most cunning, sly, and sneaky little bastard on earth (who said this was a children's bedtime story?). When Hades, the god of the underworld, finally had it with the king's wicked ways, he came personally to claim Sisyphus for the kingdom of the dead. Expecting Sisyphus to weasel out - or at least put up a struggle - Hades brought along a pair of handcuffs, a novelty for those times. Sisyphus cunningly expressed an interest in the "never seen before" handcuffs. His interest was so great that Hades was persuaded by Sisyphus to try them out on himself! In an instant Hades was handcuffed, at Sisy's mercy and hidden away. For years, as the god of the underworld was kept from hell, nobody on earth could die. In battle after battle soldiers were knifed, stabbed, choked and ripped apart, but still made it to back to camp in time for a dry bun and a tin cup of beans and wieners.
Years later Hades was released and Sisyphus was once again ordered to report to the underworld for his eternal assignment. Our shifty king made some quick arrangements and ordered his dutiful wife not to bury his body when he died. So Sisyphus remained unburied and filed an appeal with Persephone, Queen of the Dead. Luckily for Sisyphus, Persephone sided with his complaint that his unburied corpse needed a more formal, ceremonial funeral. Not surprisingly, Sisyphus did everything but make arrangements for his own funeral. But his time came again and Hades finally dragged him down to the underworld to receive a final sentence for all his indiscretions.
For having committed the worst of crimes, a crime against the gods, Hades decided to return Sisyphus back to earth for a lifetime of hard labor. His punishment? Sisyphus had to roll the biggest of boulders to the top of a steep hill, only to have the boulder roll back down for him to do all over again. Eternally. No labor union, no ergo knee pads, no family benefit plan, and no coffee break either! The end. (Sort of).
THE SISY SQUAT SEX TEST
Imagine the position you would take in order to push a heavy boulder up a hill. In bodybuilder culture the sissy squat is indeed as grueling as pushing a boulder the size of a city bus tire up a hill. Most bodybuilders perform the sissy squat in sets and reps. The Sisy Squat Sex Test, as it applies to our sneaky secret test that rates sexual performance, is a modified version of the bodybuilders' sissy squat. I've taken the boulder away and made Sisyphus bend down a little more than he had to in order to push the rock up the hill. Like the King pushing the boulder, the crouch position is the finish point of the test. If you can get down there, you pass. How you get there, however, is another story.
You have your choice of three variations. Option one: take your shoes off and place them on the floor in front of you with the toe part of your shoe facing your own toes. Stand on the toe part of your shoe and keep your heels on the floor. Option two: stand facing a wall, feet shoulder width apart and toes one inch from the wall. Option three is the more engaging option: have someone stand in front of your with toe-to-toe contact. The toe-to-toe position is more difficult to execute because it limits your forward swing.
Place your hands behind your head like you're going to be arrested. Although three lower limb positions have been described here, the standard position is the toe-to-toe contact with the examiner and your hands behind your head. This is the one I use as my base to see if you pass or not. All other variations are to avoid embarrassment and account for sobriety.
THE ACTION
Toes well-positioned, feet shoulder-width apart, heels on the floor the entire time, with eyes facing forward, start squatting your way down, slowly and steadily. Your end-point should be ass almost to the floor, chest behind (not above or in front of) your knees, and eyes - well, let's just say they should be positioned right at the... er... finish line. Remember that your heels must stay on the floor the entire time. Any other way would be cheating. Performing this maneuver without falling backwards is the mark of...
